Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Third time is a charm

And she is ours!  

Donor: approved.

Are you ready for this?  She is available immediately.  

I might be a Cycle Sista as early as November, or December at the latest.  My expectations had been set for January.  Funny how just a couple months can seem like eons.

Guess who ate a birth control pill last night?  This Old Momma!

Holy shirt.  Here we go.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Rejection: redefined

I am on the edge of my donor loving seat.

I had a feeling it would be hard to pick a donor.  I have outrageous expectations for everything.

I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist because my house is trashed, I could drop a few pounds, my dogs are disobedient and the list goes on.  Rocco tells me my expectations hurt me and hurt others as it sets everyone up for failure.

My initial donor requirements:
  1. Tall.

    I am 5'9".

  2. Not blonde hair, but dark hair.

    Easy to understand.

  3. Caucasian.

    Avoid jokes about the postman.

  4. Try really hard to find a previous donor.

    Do this to please RE as she said this is The Most Important Thing Ever.

  5. Smart. 

    I graduated from school with honors (but it was no Big Ten, let me assure you this).

My final donor requirements:
  1. Previous donor.
  2. Mostly white girl.

Let me tell you, picking a donor was nothing like I thought it would be when I was a little girl. 

You start with all these gorgeous young women.  You read and let yourself get a little closer to them.  Yeah, she hasn't donated before but LOOK at her.  She is smart, sweet and pretty and everything I wish I could be.

Once you waste hours looking at these women, you remember the #1 piece of advice your RE gave you: Proven Donor.  You start over.  The pool to choose from is RADICALLY limited.  I am talking an 85% reduction in purchasing power.

I find Donor #1.  After some ups and downs, we submit her for approval by my RE.  I feel confident I am selecting on the right criteria.  She doesn't look much like me, but I offer it up as a sacrifice.  She has three cycles with Large Fertility Operation (LFO) under her belt.  They approve of her.

Bang.  Rejected by my RE.  Good enough for LFO doesn't mean good enough for my RE.

Donor #1 was rejected by my RE.  Donor #2 rejected by us as donor didn't stand a chance with my RE if #1 was cut.  Dang people, if donors had rejected me, you would have been re-assembling my heart.  Don't give me credit that I could survive this with a bullshit "Peace" mantra.

We are staying with LFO and not going to CCRM.  Honestly, if money were not an issue (it is) and we could travel easily (we can't) we would be at CCRM.  That place is like freaking Oz.  We are already in debt.  I am not prepared to compromise my time with Little One from IVF#2.

My RE at LFO told me her success rate was 90% this year.  She knows Rocco and me, she knows my body and she will make this happen.  My RE told me not to fall in love with a donor until she told me it was okay.  Damn, she is tough and I am grateful.

I love my RE and I believe in her.  She will make this happen.  I will accept her rejections and follow her direction.

90%.  Slam dunk.  I cannot entertain the thought of "Famous Last Words".  My heart aches and aches for those who have been down the path of donor eggs and left empty handed.  I just cannot put into thought, sound or print the possibility of anything other than success.  I hope my words do not hurt you.  I gotta be this way and I believe you will understand.

Donor #3 was submitted to our RE on Friday last week.  She may be approved tomorrow.  

I love her so bad I cannot see straight.  Oops. 

Thank you for your comments lately.  You know how much they mean.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Why posts shouldn't sit in draft

Roller coaster!  Woo hoo, hoo hoo hoo!

I wrote this last post in draft night but it is all null and void.

We picked a donor.  I got buyer's remorse.  I feel back in love with my donor.  I started composing my thank you letter to her in my head during my spare moments.  She was the great love of my life.




She did her last 3 cycles at Large Fertility Operation, where my doctor lives.  Isn't there some kind of gimme rule?  I LOVE her.  I swear I saw her down on Waveland last weekend.  The donor is good enough for LFO, but not good enough for my RE.

Since the rejection, she has been replaced.  I feel in love again.  Then #2 love of my life was a preemptive reject.  Slow this shit DOWN.  Looking at the numbers, we decide our RE will not approve her either.

Ah... but Number Three.  I swear.  I think she is The One.

We are not in control.  I get it.

Old post that doesn't really matter anymore, just for a laugh: 

Sometimes I struggle with the commitment to our donor.  What if someone better comes.  Someone who looks more like me.  Someone who makes more eggs.  Better eggs. Faster eggs.  Okay, so faster doesn't count.

Rational minds say: a couple's genetics cannot turn out the same baby more than once.  Conceptually, I know this.  Rocco and I could never make another like the little we have now.  Adding a donor is just another variable.

Peace.  Peace.  Peace.  Repeat until at peace.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Youth is wasted on the young

Exactly when the fuck did I get so old that this makes sense to me?

I had a brilliant weekend.  I went into the city to see my lover, Dave Matthews.  Yes, I know saying you like Dave is like saying you like sunshine, summer or vacation: not incredibly complex.  But for me, the love goes deep.  And dirty... if he would only take me up on it.

Anyhow, I left the city for the NW suburbs 5+ years ago after living downtown since 1993.  Ah, what a life I had.  It seems like I have lived 2-3 lifetimes.  Some are great, some are shady and some seem like they belong to someone else.  That girl was fun.

The buzz of the crowd pressing into Wrigley was amazing.

You know what I thought of the whole damn time?


I saw darling, DARLING young women.  Oh, the youth!

Was it that beautiful when it was mine?

I wanted to grab them and tell them not to worry about the little stuff.  If he is an ass: leave him.  If it is a bikini: wear it.  If you want to tour The Far East: hurry up.  The outfit a little funky: wear it and rock it.

I am so grateful to be a part of all this.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Have uterus; need eggs

We had our phone consult with CCRM and Dr. G. this week.  

No shit show to report.


Dr. G told me the miscarriage rate is not 40% but 25-30% with my own eggs.  I sure wish I had some clarification here.  Online searches tell me 40%.  Is this a reflection on the CCRM attitude?  Capabilities?  I don't know, but I like it.  I felt like such a jackass for sharing that stat a couple posts ago.  I am delighted to retract and correct it. 

The call went better than expected.  I was fully prepared to leave the call wanting more information.  We expected to have to decide if I would complete the one day $4000 (!) evaluation to determine our next steps.

He said my numbers look normal (are you coming on to me Dr. G??).  He confirmed our last cycle met his approval - aggressive stimulation.  The pre-cycle prognosticators (I just wanted to use that word) were normal (FSH 5.6AMH <0.5, Antral follicle count 10-11).

The call also went worse than expected in some manner of speaking.  CCRM said most women my age with my general stats can expect a 50% chance at pregnancy.  Awesomeness.  Based on my last 2 results, he was cutting my number to 25%.  


This is a much better number than what Large Fertility Operation told us.   Dr. G doesn't doubt he can get us to retrieval.  My current RE only saw a 10% chance to make it to retrieval.  There were gentle disclaimers from Dr. G, but I sensed he was confident we would make it to surgery using a different plan of estrogen priming.

Here is the crusher: the 25% reflects a one time fresh transfer.  I was hoping it would be similar to my IVF that resulted in a live birth.  We had one leftover embryo to freeze.  Dr. G clarified we would transfer everything from the retrieval, no expectation to make it to freeze.

It is one thing to see a 25% chance of success and two tries, but a one shot deal at 25%?

I am out.  I already sent the note over to Mel asking to move me over to the Donor Gametes room.  I can't wait to meet the blogger named Rocky Road over in the DE room, but my girl hasn't posted since 2007.

Dr. G summed it all up nicely.  Don't think about the numbers.  It isn't about the statistics.  Think about where you will be 5-10 years down the road.  What will you feel when you look back?

To quote my Rick Rollin' friend:

We're now pursuing domestic adoption donor eggs and looking forward to focusing on "when" we become parents instead of "if."

No joke, Amber.  I thought about that line a lot over the last few weeks.  It has always stuck with me.

Elegant.  Simple.  Heartfelt.
The End.

Technical notes for the die hards:

  • DE program comparison - transfer 2 embryos with an 85% chance of pregnancy.
  • Embryo glue is real.  He had a laugh when I asked him about it.  This might be old news, as Dr. G did not expound upon it.  It is a product with some kind of acid that creates a viscous environment, used for both IVF and DE.  Online search tells me it comes from UCSF, the first reported in 2003.
  • What about that progesterone on the rise that damned your IUI from the start?  It is not likely to be a recurring issue for all retrievals.  My number was 1.4, a sure killer in a fresh transfer.  Virtually guaranteed to kill your success.
  • The CCRM estrogen priming is different than my last estrogen priming cycle.  Dr. G stated it is not better or more aggressive, but different.  Large Fertility Op used patch estrogen priming where CCRM would have me take estrogen for a month.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Important IVF facts from a fellow blogger

I have a re-tweet.

Pretty much anyone who reads my blog certainly reads Playgroup Material.

I have 2 IVFs, 2 canceled IVFs, and 2 IUIs under my belt, but I still learned something from Amber's post.

Check it out.  Click the feet waiting for her turn with the vagcam.

Thanks to Amber for getting the info out on the street.  Out of the hands of the RE and into the hands of the people.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

CCRM rumors

I dont know how else to get this question out in an effective manner.  I just heard a rumor and I want to scope it out.

Anyone ever hear of CCRM "embryo glue"?

Did I really just ask that question.

Maybe I am being punked.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Hi, I am Roccie and I am a hope addict.

I hate the word addict.  It should be used with caution. I don't mean to use the word without respect to anyone who struggles with addiction.  To me it represents something that happens when you know there are deep costs associated with it.  You do something despite wanting to do the opposite.

I am addicted to hope.  I can't help it.  We have our remote phone consult with CCRM on Wednesday.  My RE came through and got us jumped up on the schedule by several weeks.  Who ARE these CCRM people: that patients will wait for months and pay tens of thousands of dollars (on top of the usual tens of thousands of dollars) extra to see them?

Part of me wants to hear this miraculous new plan - how I can have another baby with my own eggs.  A very small part of me.  The addict takes up a lot of room.

Selfish me?  I am ready for donor eggs.  To tell you the truth, I don't want to cycle again with my own eggs.  There I said it.

But what about a concern that lingers in the back of my mind... Could this new baby feel different about the issue than I do?  What if s/he feels disconnected with me because of donor eggs?  Different somehow.  God knows I won't feel a thing different, but what if s/he sees her/his relationship with me different than the daughter I have by my own (now crap) eggs?

But what if CCRM makes the case that my eggs are an option?  Wouldn't I be a selfish monster not to consider it?

(Side rant:  Remember when Dior came out with a line of perfume called Addict?  I let go on the poor brainless twit pushing it at Nordstrom.  Look at the tag line.  "Admit it", as in one of the 12 steps to recovery.  I won't even get started on the Gucci Rush perfume, where poppies were pictured in the back ground.  Grrr.)