Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Beta day 3 with p4 on the decline

hCG increased from 1169 to 2624.

Progesterone dropped from 25 to 18.6.

We are increasing the PIO injections from 1cc to 1.5.  Back in the office on Friday for another check.

Nervous.  Really nervous.  

Regretting all the times I thought how much I wanted to trade places with women fretting over beta numbers.  They seemed to lose sight of the big picture.  Man alive, I hope I was not an insensitive ACEhole to them.

For the record, big picture is long gone.  Statistics mean nothing and promises are made to no one.  I have been that one in 1,000,000 in the past.  It does not give me a free ride.

It does not feel safe here.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Beta Day 2: results are in for me to google all afternoon

I snapped at a coworker today and it felt great.  Don't you know you are severely lacking social skills and it is Beta Day?  Fool.


       hCG            p4
Beta 1 Friday 288 34.3
Beta 2 Monday 1169 25

The good doctor is pleased with the results.  

I had my nurse on the phone, so  I did not get the level of analysis I crave.  She won't speculate the way I like to - over and over.  Probably means she is good at her job.

We easily cleared the target hCG increases, but I don't know much about progesterone.

Where is Lisa when you need her??  Paging Dr. Adele!  Paging Dr. Misfit!

You know who I am afraid will chime in?  Dr. TwinMomma Kim of Chaos and Dr. Twin Stacie

Ha!  I should be so lucky.

Friday, March 25, 2011

My hard earned so-called slam dunk

Ok, here we go.  We are pregnant.

Stats at 4w0d or 14dpo or 10dp5dt:
  • hcg 288
  • progesterone 34.3

My darling RE told me my numbers are so solid, she would have me on twin watch if we had transferred two.

I started to ask some questions around how the numbers compared to my miscarriage.  She gently cut me off and told me they are nowhere near comparable events.  I thought she meant that much-hated line of 'every pregnancy is different', but she credited the DE.  

I have a lot of stats in my back pocket to make me feel safer with this pregnancy.  I cannot even remember when DE made me feel so much pain... ok, maybe I can, but it seems so crazy insignificant at this moment.  This pregnancy is ours.


Who typed that. 

My pregnancy?

Still sinking in and I am still guarded.  Old habits die hard.

For the record - this time I had no twinge of implantation.  No implantation blood.  I don't feel like throwing up.  My boobs don't hurt, but I did look a little whorey in a low cut shirt yesterday.  They are on the rise.

I had both twinge and blood (well, at least in my head) with Toddlerina.  Shame to miss out on such a monumental moment, huh?

We all have a friends still in the running.  I really feel the sting of not having them sitting on the other side with me, for whatever amount of time.  I feel a heavy side to all of my relief today.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Update from the lab in my bathroom

Testing continues.  I have now incorporated a second brand, blue lines, to enhance my interpretation of the original subject, pink lines.

I think this looks so different than last cycle.  I sort of question my grip on reality when I look at those images from last time.  That is how badly I wanted it to work.

The lines are not as dark as I hoped to see, but they are getting darker.

The wait time is different too.  This time the line was there almost immediately on the pink.  The blue one is my thrill seeker test.  Yesterday it showed a line in the opposite direction before giving me the much-loved vertical stripe.  This morning, the Blue Thriller ripped right into the line I was wanting to see.

Long road to go.  Funny how easily people forget.  Even family didn't recall the details that I had 3 decent betas before it all started to fall apart.  And it isn't like they are not paying attention.  Everyone wants a happy ending.

Best wishes to anyone else who needs to concentrate on breathing out there.

Monday, March 21, 2011

I humbly request my name be added to The Board

I would like to propose myself back in the running.

Here is where we stand six days past a 5th day transfer:

Beta is Friday.  Some might remember how things turned out last time.  All I can do is wait.  Pray.  Carry around my crystals.  It can change tomorrow or it can change at 24 weeks.  Life is not a box of chocolates unless some of them are pumped full of nuclear waste.

Note: M = male.  Rocco is not pregnant, but serves as an excellent confirmation as to what a negative looks like as compared to my very, very light line.

All my love to the sisters close to me in the running.  Let's try to be strong together.  I offer a deep and different love to my sisters not in the race at this time.  Your losses sit deep in my heart and I share them with you.

I have been on my knees this time around and your individual names were on my mind.  They always are.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

How to manage POAS for the weak. Me.

I have learned my self control to be lacking.  I have poor planning skills and a tendency to change course mid stream.  I would never call myself spontaneous, but The Freak gets on me and in me.... and I change.

I want to document this so I can pull it up for reference when my ability to think clearly will be long, long gone.

POAS Calendar of Events, Spring 2011
  1. Sunday, 5dp5dt:  Baseline POAS.
    Expectations:  No result.
    Hope:  Clean as snow.
    Fear:  Evaporation line that does my head in.
    Strategy to counter fear:  Rocco takes urine test that morning too.

  2. Monday, 6dp5dt:  Hopeful POAS.
    Expectations:  No result.
    Hope:  Something I carry room to room to analyze in various lights.
    Fear:  More clean snow.
    Strategy to counter fear:  Remember RE told me to wait until day 8.

  3. Tuesday, 7dp5dt:  Sweaty-palmed POAS.
    Expectations:  The beginning of The Beginning or the beginning of The End.
    Hope:  Carry it around in my handbag all day to admire it.
    Fear:  More fucking snow.
    Strategy to counter fear:  None available at this time.

  4. Wednesday, 8dp5dt:  The Real Deal POAS.
    Expectations:  Determine if I need a day off on Beta Day, Friday.
    Hope:  A line so dark I can see it in any light, any room, any time.
    Fear:  Sobbing that I am out of valium.
    Strategy to counter fear:  Break into RE office to demand Beta.

  5. Thursday, 9dp5dt:  Poop or Get Off the Pot POAS.
    Expectations:  Affirmation of Wednesday.
    Even my mother won't doubt the line.
    Fear:  Hear tone in my mother's voice trying to manage my expectations for Beta.
    Strategy to counter fear: 
    Break into RE office to get more valium.

Be strong my sisters.  They tell me this pain is worth it in the end.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Please come to the POAS debate. Please?

Pineapple.  It is starting to taste as bad as that Royal Jelly did.  Not quite, but pretty darn close.

We transferred one, a donor 4BB that was hatching.  I can't really tell you what this means, but I can tell you that Toddlerina was a graded lower plus the two we transferred were my senior eggs: 3BB or a 2AB.  The donor fresh cycle was a 4AB.  No BFP.  Can't you see the logic?  Rar.

I feel different this time.  I am not as stressed.  I think the fresh cycle was a long road - accept you need donor, find agency, find a donor, filter feedback on donors from well meaning family members, secure donor (remember my first donor was rejected).

Freak out through the entire process.  Out of body experience.

The long and treacherous road from retrieval to fertilization.  Law help me, freak out.

This time I had a lot less balling me up.  The cyst was a mofo, but it really gave me some time to sort my head and heart out.

You are going to think me MAD when I ask this, but lets talk POAS.  I will do it.  There is no stopping me.
  1. What day is the first day I can POAS?
  2. If you tell me Day 6, does transfer day count as Day 1 or is it the day after?
  3. Should I spare everyone from the day by day account of my testing?  I read blogs where people just show up pregnant and I am in awe of the self control they possess.
We need a library of POAS categorized by brand and day past transfer.  I tell you, I look back at my "positives" now and I think I was delusional.  Yeah, the line is better in person, but really.  Get a grip.  Might as well believe in Big Foot.

Please advise on your POAS.  If you are a non POAS please tell me your favorite thing about waiting for The Call.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I am cured!

I feel like a million bucks.  I am a good time.  I am patient and forgiving.  I have hair like Medusa since I recently came out as curly, and I just don't care.  Love me, love my mop. 

My dance card is full.  I am happy and things are really going my way.

What does it all mean?  Please tell me you have seen that Rainbow Guy.  I feel like him, trying to identify - what is the meaning?  What does it all mean?  Who the fuck am I to be so happy and content? 

I am cured, I know it.  Let's stop the crazy meds.  I am better and I want to get pregnant and I want it to be uneventful and I want a Take Home Baby.  I had a follow up call with my psychiatrist and popped the question.

She told me no.  Hmpf.  Something about needing to stabilize for 12-18 months.  I didn't shave my head for crying out loud.  I just cried.  A lot.  Everyone does that?  Right?  But not me.  Not anymore.  

Don't get me wrong, I can still cry.  I can have someone slip me a mix tape that chokes me up and I have to hit eject, eject, eject.  Eject.  Everything just seems so easy now.... wait for it....

Maybe I can handle transferring two?  I can manage twins.  We can manage twins.

Ha, we should be so lucky.  I know we will transfer one.  But if I do not get a BFP, there will be some serious self abuse in this house.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Here we go

Things went well today at the fertility shop.  We are confirmed for our FET on Tuesday next week.  Whoa.  Lining is a 10 and my estrogen jumped by 2000+, not surprising considering my patchwork belly of stickers and vaginal cookies.

I am really wavering on the number to transfer.  I think I get this way every time as the actual transfer date approaches.  We transferred one with the fresh cycle.  Look where that got us.  Success rates are lower with frozen, about a 50-50 shot.

I thought Large Fertility Operation did vitrification.  I read over at Lisa's house that CCRM does it and boasts almost as high as a success rate as fresh with FET via vitrification.  Perhaps LFO does not have the same freezing process.  The rates are lower.

Sigh.  Transferring two doesn't increase my chance at success by any percentage.  You all know how those stats work.

Why is it so tempting?

I said this to Rocco and he told me he was feeling the same.  We always wanted three kids... but we picked that number when we were young and didn't know any better.  Hell, we didn't even know each other.  Haven't I learned by now life is not a damn thing like you planned?

We filled out the forms for the FET back in December.  We opted for one embryo.  Maybe it is good we did the process then, before it became so emotional.

My acupuncturist keeps telling me to be still and listen.  I will know the right choice.  Eek. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Kindness of strangers and taking it IRL

My RE has changed the medication schedule for FET this round.  It is not specific for me, but for all of The Infertile at Large Fertility Operation.  I like change, change is good.  I needed to scare up some Estrace/Estradiol and do an inventory on estrogen patches.

I had a moment all by myself up in the hallway just now.  Toddlerina was in bed, Rocco is working late, and the dogs were somewhere being quiet.  I want to call someone and tell her thank you.  I want to see how she is doing and check how things are moving on her end.  The problem is that I don't know where to find her.  Worse yet, I don't have her blog.

My definition of friendship has been turned on its ear.  I thought I knew what it meant, but it has been radically redefined by starting this blog.

A couple of months ago I got an email followed by a big box of unused medicine.  Our email exchanges were very brief.  I was deep in a funk and she was having PC problems.  I think I got her blog but it was password protected.  I asked to get in, but never got a response.

She stuck a fancy chocolate bar in with the meds she sent.  She gave me a link to her IRL.  You know.  So I could see she was not a freak.  She was safe to accept meds, though we had never met.

I was rooting through the box and I came across a sharps container.  It was filled with unused needles and something else.  I pulled it out and saw it was a EPT.

My eyes filled with tears for her.  Why doesn't she want this?  Maybe she doesn't need this?  I know they come in 3 packs... where are the other two?  Is she pregnant?  Did she retire?

Why did she take all the time to reach out to me, wait for my responses, pack it, add a note and a chocolate bar, then ship it?

I don't know who all comes here to read.  If you don't have a blog, start one tonight.  Tell me it is there.  I would love to come to your house.  Others will come.  They are in the same shit ship as we are and they make this passage so much easier.