More bleeding for my last days of T1

The subchorionic hemorrhage returned on my last two days of the first trimester.  

Just to remind me that I am never really safe, I am never really in control, and I am never certain of a damn thing.  That is why we call them Take Home Babies.  They are not christened so until you get to take them home.

If I believed in tempting fate, I would really kick myself for the title of my last post.  Over confident fool.

I am an over confident fool, but not a foolish fool.  I knew when I saw the blood the first day in the toilet it was nothing to panic over.  (Ok, there was mild panic.)  It has been so long since I saw it in the toilet, not just on the tp.  Then the next day - there it is.  You feel it, don't you?  Forfuckssakethatwasnturinethatjustpassedwasit.  A second day of blood in the toilet, so I called the OB.

I should explain that it was brown.  I think the first day might have been more reddish brown, but perhaps it was the shock of seeing it there swimming in my toilet.  I fully expected the soothing nurse to listen, ask questions, reassure me and tell me "of course it is no bother - you call us any time you have a concern".  I hung up and the office called me back in less than five minutes to tell me to come into the office.

I had a very bad experience with the OB.  You might remember her evil, hateful self from the last time she made me consider leaving this OB practice.  Doesn't that just boil your blood?

The Evil OB was dismissive and short tempered.  The best way to sum it up is she saw me as a fanatic worrier who wasted her time, her precious time.  Please recall, the office told me to come in, not the other way around.  She treated me like a housewife with a spider in her kitchen.

Here are some key comments I think you will enjoy:

• "I don't know."
  
• "Women have been bleeding since the dawn of time."
  
• "Women bleed and many can go on to have healthy babies."
  
• Editor's note:  do you like that, "many" and "can"?  Bitch.

The Evil OB told me everything was fine.

Fine.

Fine?

What the fuck the does FINE mean?

She was as heartless as they come.  

I have had a speculum.  Haven't we all?  She made it feel like an umbrella was opening my body.  The real kicker?  I saw the heartbeat a good 20 seconds before Evil OB bothered to point it out to me.  It felt like 20 years and I will never, ever forgive her for it.

I have a follow up appointment scheduled with the Caring OB to get some real answers.

I am 13 weeks today and the longest first trimester of my life is over.

No evidence of disease

We had another scan today; belly style, no wand.  It was positively liberating.

No sign of the SCH.

I asked if I was still high risk.  My regular OB was out for this appointment.  I had my #1 Backup OB.

She jumped immediately to The Birth Plan.  I sense a lot of concern that I might want to pursue VBAC, but that is beside the point.

The real point is I think I am just your Average Joe Pregnant Woman.  I do not bear the marks of High Risk to this OB, unless she starts thinking birth plan.  I flat out asked her, "But what about now?  What about getting to the delivery?  Are you concerned about that?"

"Oh, gosh no," says #1 Backup OB.

If you found my blog searching for subchorionic hematoma, I am really sorry.  I wish you were looking up snacks to settle your stomach instead.  

Man alive, SCH is some scary business that can really terrify you and everyone around you.  Try to sit tight and try to think positive.

And, uh, do not read my past blog entries as an example....

All the things I haven't wanted to jinx

Special thanks to those who noticed I have been dodging the bullet.  I post about everything but my baby in the makes.

I am a little afraid sometimes to post good news.  I have some in my pocket, but I have been sitting on it.  As soon as I hit publish, what if it all takes a turn?  I don't think it will or at least I am getting a little stronger thinking that every day.

I had an OB appointment last week.  The SCH is smaller, about half the size it was the week prior.  OB is ready to put this behind her.  She thinks we are on the road to recovery or maybe we are pretty much there.  I am going back in this week to follow up on it just because she is good to me.

I have some real luck with doctors.  Nothing will ever compare to my RE or to my acupuncturist, but OB is earning more of my dedication as this progresses.  She has a daughter who is one year old that goes to the same school as Toddlerina.  OB has caught me in the parking lot, slyly checking to see no one was looking, and asked after my pregnancy before I was released from the RE.  She is good that way.

At our appointment, we were talking about VBAC options.  What could push me one way or the other.  Did I want to try.  Did I want another c-section.  My babies seem to have really large heads.

(Cue: car screeching sound after about 10 minutes into the conversation.)

Uh, are we talking about a birth plan.

     Well, uh, yes, we are.

Why.

     Uh, Roccie.  You are going to have a baby.

What are you talking about.

     Laughs, but not meanly.

Are you sure we should be talking about this yet.

     Yes, Roccie.  Nothing is ever guaranteed to us, but I believe this is going to happen for you.

Ok, then I think we need to start this whole conversation from the top because I just couldn't hear a damn thing you said.


Everyone laughs.

Fade to black.

Living with Fertiles... take 2

My missing blog post was never rescued in the Blogger restore process.


Here it is, reposted for my own records, again.
____________________________________________________________________


So get this.  I have some good humor at our Infertile expense.  You in?

I was a walking commercial for Resolve and Infertility Awareness.  You know that dippy show called something like "What Would You Do?"...  I thought one of you guys set me up.  It was that bad.

I swear this woman threw every cliche at me.  I take that back, it is not true.  She did not tell me to "just adopt", but to offset this failure to offend, she compared my desire for children with her new puppy.  She is now "too old" for kids.  Funny, she is roughly my age.  Shame she cannot do the math in her head like I can.

The good news is she is part of senior leadership at my firm.  Ha.  She walks in and point blank asks me "Are you expecting a child?"  What is this.  The Victorian Age when we cannot say pregnant? I deliberately misunderstand her to say something about picking up Toddlerina from school. She balls up and asks me if I am pregnant.

What the fuck would you do?

"I have no announcement at this time."

Anyhow, the conversation drug and drug into lower and lower places.  I was ARMED I tell you!  Armed!  Thank jaw for National Infertility Awareness Week!  I didn't back down to one stupid thing she said.  I was a Blazing Infertile.

You know she won't drink the water on our floor?  

I assured her it was not in the water.  In fact, I have tried almost every treatment offered in Assisted Reproductive Technologies and it cannot be corrected with Magic Water.

You know she won't sit on the toilets on our floor?  

I assured her babies were not made from toilet seats.  I told her if I thought licking a toilet seat would help, I would do it.  As an INFERTILE, I am willing to try anything to grow my family.  I have been trying hard since Toddlerina turned 6 months.

You know she thinks if I stop trying it will just happen? 

I should take a vacation, an expensive vacation.  I assured her that my condition is medical and not in my head.  I have medical bills and loans that are now driving us out of our current home to prove it.  Okay, I was too embarrassed to say the last one to her face, but it is true.  We need to move.  Story for another day.

Guess who comes to my rescue?

You wont believe it.

The Catholic.

What? 

The Catholic comes to my rescue!  

The woman share an office with - the very woman I feared who would not understand my ART.

I would like to formally retract all judgements on the Catholic Church.  I, uh, had a lot.

She rips out an email to this Absurd Fertile Senior Executive:

I don’t know if you were aware of this, or how awkward your question or subsequent comments were, but as I have learned quite a bit on this in recent months, I thought you would appreciate the information at the attached link.

I have made my share of regrettable remarks in my personal and work life, and I hope you don’t take this as me being judgmental, but just to prevent future misunderstanding.

I was surprised that 1 in 8 couples have infertility problems.  At least within the IT department it is much, much higher, more like 1 in 4 for some reason.  In fact I just went out to lunch with 4 other people and 3 of the 4 of them have had fertility challenges.

Here is a good website for your future reference:

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

P.S. Of course it goes without saying you don’t ask someone if they are pregnant until they pretty much schedule their maternity leave, as number of miscarriages etc. is also very high frequency.

When is the last time you had someone stand up for you?

Let me tell you, it touches you deeply.

Hey Blogger I am not happy

We had some AWESOME comments going.

A real discussion was unfolding.  About something other than my uterus.

Ok, not really, but it had a little more depth than my uterus posts.

Please restore my post with comments.

Sadness.

Thank you to everyone for being so open with your thoughts.  I really appreciated your perspective.

Changing of the Guard

Apologies for the quiet across all fronts.  I am here, quietly reading, quietly freaking and managing.

I have graduated over to the OB as of last week.  OB is a different story on the subchorionic hematoma than the Good RE.  I am trying not to let it worry me by classifying it as a change of leadership.  OB is in this for a much longer run and her objectives are quite different than the Good RE.  I feel like a smell a little "not on my watch" perhaps?

Sadly, I have lost my title as a Run of the Mill pregnancy.  I was really proud of that too.  I am back in the (flashing neon letters?) High Risk group for this pregnancy.

The SCH is smaller as of last week.  OB is very pleased with the downward trend, but then touched hot white wires to my heart when she talked about what can be the outcome from the SCH of my size.  A gruesome miscarriage where the entire placenta shears off is the least of my worries.  It sounds like it is more likely to interfere with blood flow and growth, taking the heartbeat away from my baby.  Second trimester enjoys an increased risk to rupture my bag of waters where the SCH weakened the placenta.

I am back in the office again next week.  OB wants to see me once a week.  Never a good sign when an OB isn't stingy with her ultrasounds, is it?  I will be 11 weeks when I return next week.  Counting down to 13 weeks.

I am doing ok for the most part.  I haven't been eating the pregnancy websites up but I also have not been Dr. Googling the SCH.  In fact, I try not to think of the baby much unless it is in active, palm-sweaty begging prayer for a healthy outcome.  I read that back and it sounds pretty pathetic, but all is well.



All my thoughts and prayers are with our Mothers In Progress tomorrow.  

You don't need a baby in your crib or in your belly to be a Momma.

All my love and support on Mother's Day.