Am I one of Them now?

Longest couple days I ever had in a long time.

We are 6 and 1/2 weeks pregnant, measuring accurately to a made-up last menstrual date, with a normal heart rate.

I am beyond grateful.

Really don't understand how we ended up here.  Rocco has half dead, crap sperm that swims sideways, while I enjoy diminished ovarian reserve.  Even on $5000 worth of stims, I could not generate more than one egg.

It doesn't seem real to me yet.

Your ever loving urban legend,
Roccie

Not much information yet

I am an Infertile.  This doesn't happen.  Plus I am 42, hell, I am almost 43.

I have no idea what is going on.  All the forms for my new OB (I am following Dr. Glenda the Good Witch to her new practice) keep asking for my last period date.  Who knows? Who cares?  Who tracks that sort of thing when it just doesn't matter?

There is a near 50% chance of miscarriage at the age of 42.  Funny, that is the exact number the article used to delineate when the Shit Show really kicks in.

I am going in tomorrow for an ultrasound.  Hopefully they will be able to find a fetal pole.  I haven't even allowed myself to hope for a heart beat.  Plus I think it is too early - isn't that at 8 wks?  Cannot remember.

I spent MONTHS accepting the fact we were to be a two child family.  It was the hardest thing about donating my embryos, knowing I was shutting the door on any chance of ever having another child.

My embryo recipient family is also pregnant.  24 weeks.  Sorry I forgot to announce that - I was filled with happiness, no regret or sadness.  Whew.  It is her family.

Think of me tomorrow, will you?

What.

Busybusybusy

He is into EVERYTHING.

I was so desperate for some peace, I let Jay play with the fire extinguisher.

Worst momma ever.

Hello May

Whew.  April is over, but the daffodils linger on.

They don't seem as mean anymore. 

A friend shared William Wordsworth's poem I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud, or commonly known as Daffodils, with me.

You can never translate what poetry means to you, unless you are in college and being forced to do it.  But in short, it made me place the flowers on par with the stars.

Daffodils

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

William Wordsworth

Fucking daffodils

Hello April.  Fuck you and your fucking daffodils.

Mannie's anniversary passed with a slow and painful drag.  One single person remembered the day she died.  Several helped me to quietly celebrate the day I met her.

Rocco forgot.  My family forgot.  I guess people move on and assume I am done mourning her.

I got some news on the anniversary.  Our recipient family is pregnant. Right now it just hurts a little bit more.  But I think as I grow into this it will add a wonderful element of hope to a grim day.

Housekeeping

Sometimes you just get so behind in your reader, you cut your losses and commenting is a luxury.  Especially for you nutters that have that law awful word verification code still turned on.  Have mercy, for a girl reading on a phone, it is an instant comment killer.

I have enjoyed the enthusiasm a few of you have had with me turning on comment moderation.  I got tired of too many compliments in poor English from people trying to get me to view their bar scanner websites.  Your comments are sent to me in email.  Sometimes I try not to approve them the instant you post them in an effort to look like I dont THRIVE on comments.  Usually though, you get a near real time post.

Rocco got a promotion.  Formerly imminent financial demise is now a thing of the past.  I am so happy I could barf.  Still think we will downsize, but on our own time.  We are robbing Peter to pay Paul to close out my 401k Lets Make A Donor Egg Baby Loan, but it should work.  Stress levels are down.

Leah has been a beast lately and I think my parenting skills are poor.  Sucks.  Stress levels back up.

Recipient family has transfer in less than a week.  It will feel like my own personal TWW.

Much love from your quiet friend,
Roccie