I wrote this last post in draft night but it is all null and void.
We picked a donor. I got buyer's remorse. I feel back in love with my donor. I started composing my thank you letter to her in my head during my spare moments. She was the great love of my life.
Crap.
Rejected.
What.
She did her last 3 cycles at Large Fertility Operation, where my doctor lives. Isn't there some kind of gimme rule? I LOVE her. I swear I saw her down on Waveland last weekend. The donor is good enough for LFO, but not good enough for my RE.
Since the rejection, she has been replaced. I feel in love again. Then #2 love of my life was a preemptive reject. Slow this shit DOWN. Looking at the numbers, we decide our RE will not approve her either.
Ah... but Number Three. I swear. I think she is The One.
We are not in control. I get it.
Old post that doesn't really matter anymore, just for a laugh:
Sometimes I struggle with the commitment to our donor. What if someone better comes. Someone who looks more like me. Someone who makes more eggs. Better eggs. Faster eggs. Okay, so faster doesn't count.
Rational minds say: a couple's genetics cannot turn out the same baby more than once. Conceptually, I know this. Rocco and I could never make another like the little we have now. Adding a donor is just another variable.
Peace. Peace. Peace. Repeat until at peace.
Click the link under the sweet, sweet image of the elephant to see the pages.
ReplyDeleteThe Author: The Great Love of My Life #4.
Thanks for your incredibly kind words on my blog tonight, totally made me smile:)
ReplyDeleteSorry this has been such a roller coaster ride for you guys...nothing about the world of infertility can be simple for us huh? So many ups & downs...hoping things smooth out with #3. Love the children's book you posted, so adorable...will have to see if there is something similar for donor embryos.
The lack of control sucks doesn't it?! I still have such a hard time with that.
All those reminders about not being control suck, don't they.
ReplyDeleteThat book is precious. I bookmarked it in case we move on to using donor eggs if my change in IVF protocol doesn't do it for us.
Hope it all works out for you. *hugs*
Roccie that book is so sweet. I like the choice of the elephant as the character, was significant since IF is a big white elephant most of the time. I hope you get to read that story to your future bubs sometime in the not too distant future.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the donor rejection, thats a whole new level of uncertainty that I certainly hadn't considered. And as for wondering if you're choosing the right donor or if there is a better one around the corner, I guess thats natural. Having not been where you are i'm trying to find a comparison and I hope this doesn't end up sounding offensive but I'm sure when it's all said and done the donor you choose will be almost irrelavent. It's like when people get obsessed about planning their wedding and they worry endlessly about what type of cake to choose and realistically afterwards no one remembers the small details like the cake and the main event of the wedding isn't the cake it's the love. By the same token, you'll love this baby no matter what and although I understand that choosing a donor is horrendously important, I also think that you won't choose the wrong person.
Not sure if that makes sense or not but in my head it's crystal clear.
Much love.
I hate to pull out the woo-woo crap, but what of your struggle to commit to donors who end up rejecting you is a sign that the Perfect Donor is still in your piles of paperwork? Sure, it's out of your control. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that there's a benevolent ART fairy looking out for you!
ReplyDeleteRejected!?! Holy crapoly. Do you mean that not even THIS is easy? Hell. You'd think that from here on out the universe would see fit to give you the smoothest of rides. That the ART fairies would all get together and say, "This one? This one has been through some stuff...let's give her a donor who is her very spitting image..."
ReplyDeleteBut you are rolling with those punches, and I could learn a thing or two from that. Peace, Roccie. One of these times, the peace is going to stick.
I love that book! Our psychiatrist at the clinic showed it to us and we will buy it if we are successful. I am so sorry your were rejected TWICE!! I mean that is incredibly terrible luck. Sorry you experienced this. Donor selection, for me, brought out alot of the nasty emotions I had about DE. But once she started stims, etc. I could relax. When do you start cycling? Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteThat book just brought tears to my eyes. I had no idea anything like that existed. How beautiful! Roc, I am holding firm that third time is the charm. Pulling for you guys, always!!
ReplyDeleteAwww, I love the book. Got sad when the sweet little ellies kept waiting and waiting and didn't get a baby (a somewhat familiar sadness, if you can imagine), but what a happy ending for all! And rejection? What?! Ridiculous. We could all take a page from your book of peace. Hang in there, Roccie; yours is coming.
ReplyDeleteI didn't even KNOW you could be rejected by a donor. What the heck is that?????
ReplyDeleteLady Pumpkin is right - we all could take a page from your book of peace. I think like love, the right one will come and it will be beautiful. You are amazingly strong and have so many of us out here pulling for you.
Much love...
What a great book! It totally made me cry, particularly the "we were so disappointed" page. I am also curious about how rejection happens. I guess I figured donors had no control. I should go educate myself instead of advertising my ignorance here... Anyway, that's gotta sting, but clearly number three is where it's at.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important that you aren't totally turned off by the donor. Other than that, I agree. The genetic combinations are endless, you AREN'T going to get a mini-her. I hope you get one nailed down soon! Exciting! I am going to read the book now...
ReplyDeleteI have posts sit in draft mode and get outdated as well. crazy how life changes so quickly.
ReplyDeleteGOod luck with #3. I bet she is the one. Three feels like a good # :)
Hope you get a definite match soon!
ReplyDeleteAll roller coaster rides eventually end. And they end the right way at the right time with the RIGHT donor. She's out there.
ReplyDeleteHi Roccie,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to read about the donor rejections. Darn! Is it just a matter of keeping on trying, until a donor says: YES! That's the couple!! YES!!?
I don't know that book but I'll check it out.
We're gearing up for egg donation with a known donor. I'll be looking forward to following your process. I so hope it leads to babies!
I have been there. I didn't realize a donor had to pick you as well, it didn't work that way at my clinic. How frustrating. The positive side, is that you are able to make connections with potential donors, which is something that I didn't think I would be able to do (obviously I did though...twice).
ReplyDeleteIt is totally normal to second guess your decisions, it is the biggest decision you will make. But in the end, the perfect donor will come and accept you and you will be on your way. I will be here then, cheering you on!
I didn't even realize a donor could reject a couple! Your donor will be perfect for you! I can't wait for you to say "she's the one!"
ReplyDeleteI do that WAY too often. Half a post written, then something comes up and the post doesn't seem relevant, so I don't publish it at all. THat's how I end up going for months at a time without posting.
ReplyDeleteReally trying to not to do that anymore...
So sorry about the rejections! Thought you got past that when you quite dating didn't you! I'm sure Ms Right will come along soon. Certain of it.