I hope it makes sense to move the thoughts from my head to paper. I fear much will get lost in translation. I will do my best to capture it. I want to be able to refer back to it and reset myself if needed. I feel positive. I get it now. The Shit Show has concluded.
I have been thinking about donor eggs since our first IVF failure. My RE repeatedly told me "we are not there yet", but then one day, she did. I felt prepared to discuss donor eggs back then. It was when the choice wasn't mine that I had the problem.
The last few weeks I have been chewing razors, fearing what the almighty practitioners at CCRM would tell us. Would they increase our odds to make it to retrieval? Would they let us go ahead and try again? How can they change the preparation, the stim, the fertilization, the development, the transfer and the outcome with a BFP?
They really can't. I have come to realize taking me from a 10% chance to make retrieval to a 50% chance isn't enough. What if they promise a 75% chance to retrieval? Is that enough? What number is enough? If we had to pull teeth from our long term RE to get a low number, what new RE is going to risk a guarantee of success? No RE in his or her right mind would do this.
Short of a miracle written on butterfly parchment and wax-sealed shut for accuracy by the horn of a unicorn by faeries, we are done. My battery is beyond low and I don't have the energy to recharge it for another round with my eggs.
This decision became clear and silence fell all around me. I think all the chaos I was feeling was from trying to fight my deep seated knowledge of myself. I believe when you follow your true path everything falls into place. Once I decided donor eggs were for us and made it MY decision, not one handed down by an RE, I felt at peace. It is the craziest thing I have ever experienced. Total peace once I made the decision.
Will there be a Shit Show II at the end of this week after my pregnancy test? Maybe, but I doubt it. I know getting pregnant from IUI and with my slightly expired eggs is a long shot. I am, however, ever hopeful.