Saturday, August 21, 2010

My decision

I hope it makes sense to move the thoughts from my head to paper.  I fear much will get lost in translation.  I will do my best to capture it.  I want to be able to refer back to it and reset myself if needed.  I feel positive.  I get it now.  The Shit Show has concluded.

I have been thinking about donor eggs since our first IVF failure.  My RE repeatedly told me "we are not there yet", but then one day, she did.  I felt prepared to discuss donor eggs back then.  It was when the choice wasn't mine that I had the problem.

The last few weeks I have been chewing razors, fearing what the almighty practitioners at CCRM would tell us.  Would they increase our odds to make it to retrieval?  Would they let us go ahead and try again?  How can they change the preparation, the stim, the fertilization, the development, the transfer and the outcome with a BFP?

They really can't.  I have come to realize taking me from a 10% chance to make retrieval to a 50% chance isn't enough.  What if they promise a 75% chance to retrieval?  Is that enough?  What number is enough?  If we had to pull teeth from our long term RE to get a low number, what new RE is going to risk a guarantee of success?  No RE in his or her right mind would do this.

Short of a miracle written on butterfly parchment and wax-sealed shut for accuracy by the horn of a unicorn by faeries, we are done.  My battery is beyond low and I don't have the energy to recharge it for another round with my eggs.

This decision became clear and silence fell all around me.  I think all the chaos I was feeling was from trying to fight my deep seated knowledge of myself.  I believe when you follow your true path everything falls into place.  Once I decided donor eggs were for us and made it MY decision, not one handed down by an RE, I felt at peace.  It is the craziest thing I have ever experienced.  Total peace once I made the decision.

Will there be a Shit Show II at the end of this week after my pregnancy test?  Maybe, but I doubt it.  I know getting pregnant from IUI and with my slightly expired eggs is a long shot.  I am, however, ever hopeful.

18 comments:

  1. Roccie, nice to meet you virtually. I wish you good luck on your upcoming IUI. If it doesn't work out, it sounds like you are already on your path to do DE. Don't rush it...let it sink in for a while, fact find, read blogs, etc. But sounds like you're at peace with exploring the avenue of DE. Good luck in whatever path you choose. But hoping for a BFP on your next IUI.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hang in there . The right decisions always come in silence. You will be ok.
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am ever hopeful for you, too. And I am so glad for you that the chaos has passed and you have found peace with the decision to move on to DE. The thoughts in your head make complete and utter sense on this virtual paper. Absolutely. Sticking with you, sister.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm glad the "Shit Show" has concluded.

    I'm happy to have found your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think it makes huge sense to make this YOUR decision. Enough of the decisions are taken out of our hands and that just makes us feel helpless. It must have been an amazing feeling to have all the shit just drop off you be suddenly in control of your own life again.
    So wishing that you get luck with your IUI though, wouldn't that be amazing if you never needed to even go down the egg donor route.
    Hoping like crazy you get some good news. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's always easier to handle a decision when it is your own decision. It certainly does make a big difference, once you have decided for yourself that this is the way to go. You have to be on board 100% with the move, or its just a disaster waiting to happen! I know how hard it is to let go of the idea of having a baby genetically linked to you (having handed this over myself) I hope that this will bring you success and a gorgeous little baby at the end of this shit show.
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Peace is oozing out of this post. I can feel it through your words. I am so happy that you've found peace with your decision.

    Still hoping that you are pleasantly surprised at the end of the month. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm glad you feel you have come to a decision that you're at peace with. Can you imagine actually doing a DE cycle, all the while doubting whether you ought to have tried again on your own?

    Hoping you do still beat the odds with this IUI.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I totally get how it feels better for it to be your decision. I'm glad you are feeling more at peace about it, and based on your past posts I think this is the decision you have been moving towards for a while now.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am hopeful for you, too. But I am also glad about the silence that fell, and the end of chaos. So much misery comes from resisting one's true path (which is not to say that it might not, also have its pitfalls). I think it's so rare that we actually get to SEE that path - or the possibility of it.

    Roccie, I'm glad for you but also understand that as clear as the decision was, it is also a complex one. Hugs to you (and, I'm still hopeful).

    ReplyDelete
  11. Its an understatement to say that you Rock, Roccie. You really do. These decisions are hard as fuck. I'm happy to hear that a silence fell around you though. What a peaceful thought. I think you're making the right decision, my friend.

    Having said all of that, I still hold out mucho hope for your IUI - wouldn't that be a great story, huh? I really do hold out hope. When is your beta?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Roccie, I am hoping for a miracle for you. However, if that does not occur, I am pleased you have found your peace, and pray the way forward is clear and brilliant. You are strong! Am behind you all the way. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sigh. Wonderful that you have arrived at a decision, but sad to think of all the pain behind you. I love to think of you having a moment of peaceful silence. I absolutely agree with what you say about finding your path.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm glad you are at peace. It sounds like a good plan.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Peace is a good thing. I am far away from peaceful right now and I HATE it! I'm proud of you. Good luck with the plan, I know it will work for you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought I commented on this oh-so important entry, but alas I didn't. So sorry, bad gurlee.
    I love when reaching an important decision feels right.
    However, I hope that the miracle wrapped in parchment wax sealed by faeries comes to you.
    Good luck, and no I am not going to POAS only to throw it into a landfill when it reads: Your not pregnant, loser.
    xo.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Just found you through Love and Chaos, and am rooting for you!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Just wanted to say you had me at dumb and dumberer. Thanks for cracking me up today!

    ReplyDelete