So, I cry at work. Poor bastards. I try to listen to what they are saying and focus on whatever trivial bullshit they want from me. But I start to cry. And they hate it, I hate it, we all get uncomfortable together. I did it twice last week and a couple times this week.
This is my shit show.
I am getting a little under it all. I fucked up my meds this week. Don't ask me how, but I confused endometrin with estrace for 3 days and this will haunt me. Should this not result in a BFP, I will have this monster in my head. TMI. Sorry, but this post is all about my shit show.
I get a lot of heat from my family when I talk like this. "You have a beautiful daughter", "Don't let this ruin everything", and my favorite, "Other things that make me feel bad for not being happy". I get it. Doesn't mean I can do it, but I understand.
I can get past it all when I am with the little one. She is a powerful creature. I watch her find joy in picking dog hair off her hands. Everything makes her happy.
I lose my way at work. I am there to pay the RE bills, the pharmacy, the acupuncturist and the witch doctor at the health food store. What a catch - don't stress, go deep into debt and oh, by the way, no crazy meds for you.
I try not to talk baby as I know we share many losses. I hope you will indulge me during my shit show. We can get there. We just don't know how it all works. We will only believe it when it happens. I know it will happen for us.
Roccie, I am playing eye of the tiger from the other Rocky. I have allergies from my monitor, or at least that's what I tell myself when this happens at work. I hate it, too. I know how weak you feel. But, you are so incredibly strong and this is just one shitty week or month here that will pass.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the shit show. But, did I tell you look fabulous on stage? So sorry my friend. I am sending you calm positive medicine mess up reversing thoughts.
I'm so sorry this is so hard I know how you feel. Hang in there, enjoy your daughter as much as possible. That is what I always tell myself when I had shitty cycles. It helped me. Hugs
ReplyDeleteA shit show. That pretty accurately covers it, now doesn't it. It seems like the more shit you have on your plate, the more shit that's thrown your way. Sigh. I wish it didn't have to be that way.
ReplyDeleteSending more love...
I hate the shit show. If anything should be canceled it should be the shit show. If things don't look up soon, I'm going to sic Andy Dick on your producer.
ReplyDeleteLots and lots of good thoughts and hugs, girl.
Its ok Roccie, shit shows suck, big time. Do you have a door to close at the office? Life happens and people can't deal with your tears then fuck'em.
ReplyDeleteTake joy in your sweet little babe, never feel sorry for relishing in her and talking about it. It makes me happy that you can find some happiness.
Thinking of you.
xoxox
Shit show is so not fun but they happen to us all. I love that you have a baby girl.. it makes us all know that this can work. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Roccie:( I don't have any kids but even I can understand that it's still a shit show, that it doesn't make a difference to aching for a second. You're always sensitive about your little one, and I am so very, very glad you have her. But it doesn't mean you don't want the other desperately.
ReplyDeleteSometimes work's sole utility is to provide a place to cry. Screw anyone who says otherwise.
(I don't know what the Endometrin/Estrace switcheroo means, nor how significant it is. But I am still hopeful for you.)
Work is stupid. And if crying needs to happen, it needs to happen. Lord knows I've done it often enough. Screw 'em. And screw your family for having opinions on things they don't seem to understand! (Not to rag on your family, but jeez.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about all the pain you're feeling--very well-justified pain, too.
It will happen for you. I remember what a mess I was during out IVF at work. They should really just give us medical leave for the entire process.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
I really don't like crying at work either. I feel so vulnerable. But it's not like you don't have enough cause.
ReplyDeleteMy clinic's counselor told me that the longing for a second is just as emotionally fraught as longing for a first.
There are no two ways about it, IF sucks!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your are "in the suck" with the rest of us, and I for one am happy to "listen" any time you need to vent about it.
I think the universe has issued shit shows on mass recently.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Roccie. In some ways it must be even harder when you already have a child becauase i'm sure the feelings are all just as hideous the second time round but you have the added guilt that you aren't 'allowed' to feel those things because you already have a child. Anyone that says those things needs to go piss off out of here. Its not fair to make you feel guilty for your own feelings. Its a hard hard road no matter what path you came from and i'm sorry you're in the dark place. If you look closely you'll see me there too. Maybe we can huddle in the corner together till it all blows over. xxx
Uhg. I'm so sorry. Did you talk to RE about the switcheroo?
ReplyDeleteThe Shit Show just sucks. Especially the eisodes they play at work. Deep Breath. Count down to the Blanket Show and another day.
Roccie, Than you for your comment on my calm, freak out, repeat post. It really made me feel a bit better. I hope your little one gets a sibling. Having one doesn't make not having two much better. For me at times it has made it harder. Seeing my daughter play alone breaks my heart. Hearging her ask, Mommy, who's your brother?, Who's Daddy's brother, Where's my brother? It just sucks. I understand and feel for you and wish you the best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, R. I sure hope things start looking up for you soon. It's such a shitty thing to have to go through from the meds to the hope to the waiting to the finding out part. You've got a lot of people thinking about you and hoping that you're able to bring a little one home soon. I hope you have a relaxing weekend and just chill out at home. Sending loads of love your way!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog (sorry, late to the show) I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. It's completely normal to want a second child just as much as you wanted your first. I'm sure it's the same scary, dark place. I will be thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh, the shit show. Yeah, I know that one. It's the one I can't stop watching at 2 in the morning. Or is that just me...
ReplyDeleteCrying at work sucks but I think we have ALL been there. Just today I had to write an email stating that I would continue to strive for a more positive demeanor. Whatever.
Egghunt is right; the universe has been especially cruel lately. Is the moon in the Crab Nebula or something?
I'm so angry for you and for all of us.