My RE called to personally deliver the news today.
There was something about the way she delivered the news that I already knew. It made me breakdown and cry all over again.
"I am so very sorry."
It meant a lot to me that she made the call herself. Over the years, we have become quite close for a patient/physician relationship. I think in different circumstances we would be friends. Or maybe we are.
I went to see my acupuncturist. As usual, she filled the role as my thera-puncturist. I was crying and it was picking up speed. It was all tumbling out of my mouth - what I should have done and what I did wrong.
She told me to stop taking credit for it.
Stop taking credit for the failure.
If this had been successful, I would have handed the success away.
Who am I to take responsibility for it's failure?
If I were pregnant, it certainly wouldn't have been me to make it happen. I have a team. A little bit of God, some of the other gods, and a whole lot of luck. It requires many things to fall into the right place at the right time.
If I cannot make it happen, I cannot make it fail.
This has to be her finest work. I left that place with my cares under her table. I cried hard during the treatment, but it was a release.
I am ready to go back at it. Bring on the bitch Aunt Flo and someone get me a pack of BCP.
Your comments were my lifeline. I don't need to tell you what they mean, do I?
I am humbled that so many women with so many personal worries and shit shows took the time out to help me tend to mine.
<3 <3 <3 xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteIt's all I got my friend. but it's for you.
No, I mean it. Cookies. Ask K--they're tasty little mofos. Your therapuncturist sounds like the coolestest ever. I am so grateful for what she has done for you. And still so sorry that you're having to put up with this senseless booshit. Hugs, my dear. All rolled up together. A hug burrito, if you will. I know, it doesn't trip off the tongue like a lovewich, but I already used that one. And hug burritos are a little spicy. Like my Roccie.
ReplyDeleteLove it. Glad you're in a better place.
ReplyDeleteMy acupuncturist is also my thera-puncturist -- she's often the only person other than my husband who hears about how hard this all is.
*hugs*
Holy crap Roccie, I'm a bit lost for words, your acupuncturist is so right. It seems so simple and obvious but I had never ever thought about it that way before. I want to hug her hard for taking your worries away like that. And the picture of you sobbing hard with those needles in cut me to the bone. But I'm glad you had a safe place to release these necessary tears.
ReplyDeleteAnd something about this post resonated very deeply with me. It was a serious lightbulb moment for me.
I have nothing but admiration for your spirit Roccie. You are so strong and so bloody amazing and those frozen babies of yours don't know how lucky they are.
PS - I LOVE the label you tagged this post under too by the way.
You have me in tears. Damn that nerve you hit. I'm here to support you and make you feel better and here I am feeling better with something you say. Not fair! So here's my virtual cup of tea or whiskey, whatev, something tasty to go with the Roccie hug-ritto that pumpkin has on your plate. I am heartbroken for you and I know how strong and resilient you are.
ReplyDeleteYou have a wise acupuncturist and that wisdom she shared is worth more than gold. You deserve this and I'm going to keep cheering you on and pulling for you. I'm just so sorry, Roccie.
You are such a rockstar (and so is your acupuncturist)! Wishing you nothing but the best.
ReplyDeleteAh...dear friend. My heart aches WHY this did not work for you. My only explanation is that you fell on the WRONG side of the statistics AGAIN. I am so glad to see your fighter spirit is still there. And if I see AF, I will kick her in the ass and send her your way pronto. But between you and me...I hope I don't see her. In fact I may even cowardly run away from her if I do see her. You know what I mean...sending out AF vibes your way. Bring on Round 2.
ReplyDeletethinking of you....
ReplyDeleteomfg that's brilliant. "Stop taking credit for it." What a beautiful way to flip your perception on its head. And yes, if the news had been good you would have given it away. We all would. Your acu-therapist is one wise lady.
ReplyDeleteAnd you, Roccie, are amazing. I am so proud of you.
I am so sorry to hear this. I know it is not easy. Sending you love and light.
ReplyDeleteOh wow...I think I'm in love with your thera-puncturist. You guys are both awesome. :-D
ReplyDeletethank god for acupuncturists who serve as therapists. i've cried so many tears at my acupuncturist's office, that i dunno what i would've done without her. i'm glad you've realized that this is not your fault. it was a fluke and bad luck. bring on those bcp's and aunt flo :o) xoxo.
ReplyDelete"stop taking credit for it" just blew my mind.
ReplyDeletecome on, AF!
That's such a lovely way to think of it. I am so amazed by your strength.
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing support team you have. Its well deserved as you are equally amazing.
ReplyDeleteOf course, it is not your fault, nor your bodies. You did everything you could and I know you would stand on your head for a month if it guarenteed a BFP.
I love your attitude. You are just getting ready for the babe that is waiting in the wings or the freezer.
love & hugs!
I am so glad you have your acupuncturist/therapist. When I went to one during my 2nd IVF cycle she was amazing. She is so right and it is so simple the answer she gave you. I admire your strength and resolve to keep on fighting on. Thanks for your kind comments on my guilt post. I totally would not make it either without the online support. I'm Catholic btw. ;)
ReplyDeleteThat is amazingly good, obvious but not so obvious advice. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm so grateful for your therapuncturist. She sounds like a complete gem. I'm soooo not presuming to have any idea what you're going through, but for what it's worth, her suggestion sounds RIGHT ON in terms of psychological well-being. I did a lot of reading about coping with ART failure and there seems to be some consensus that it's okay to feel responsible for IF, but that feeling responsible for the failure of a cycle is harmful. Here's a little quote from one article on emotional responses to unsuccessful IVF cycles: "attributing failure to oneself was damaging but ... attributing infertility to oneself was protective." Anyway, totally unnecessary information, no doubt, it just resonated with me. Anyway, totally amazed by your strength.
ReplyDeleteIf someone asked me what resilience looked like, I would say it looks like Roccie. I am in awe of you, dear woman. You've handle this setback with all the genuine grace that inhabits your beautiful human self. I admire people who know when to cry and do. I'm glad that your therapuncturist helped you with the release. And she's so right: There is no way you need to take credit for the failure. It ain't your fault, babe, and you know it.
ReplyDeletehere's a plate of hug tacos for you, to go with Pumpkin's hug burrito. You are wonderful, Roccie.
xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteThat's a very effective way of putting it.
ReplyDeleteCould I borrow her? Perhaps she could tell my how to wave the white flag and be ok with it.
My therapist said to me one day "what if no one was to blame?" IT BLEW MY FUCKING MIND. I still can't really wrap my brain around it.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the call and the way the news is delivered. I can tell by the way the nurse (or doc) says my name what the answer is going to be. SInce I've only gotten REALLY good news once, and many shitty calls and one "cautiously optimistic" (read: you're pregnant but it ain't gonna last) call, I know the fucking drill.
Bring on the blood, cause I am ready to fly my hope flag high for you. I don't have the strength to carry it for myself right now but I can carry it for you.
(PS I'm not blogging about our current cycles cause my husband wants to keep them on the DL. We have gone backwards and are doing IUIs for a few cycles while we decide if we will do a mini IVF, move on to donor eggs (probably not) or move on to adoption. I'm on letrozole for the first time and it's making me a tired, brainless twit. IUI will probably be on or right around thanksgiving. I'll take a turkey (baster) baby in a heartbeat!)
Oh, Roccie. I am so so sorry. I don't even have words to express. You are amazing - strong, resilient, inspiring. I adore you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Roccie. I am so very sorry for this. I had wished so hard that this would be the cycle. I am so disappointed and hurt for you...and I know that is only a fraction of the pain you are going through. Many hugs and much love to you...
ReplyDeleteP.S. Why is it so easy for us to beat ourselves up over the negatives in our lives? I do the same thing. I love the outlook your accupuncturist has. She was truly a gift, and I am so glad you found her to work with during this journey.
Hi Roccie,
ReplyDeleteRe your post on my feel up at work situation. Lower could be entertaining but I would need a different perpetrator for that. Wink. Hope you are doing ok.
I'm so sorry. Your acupuncturist is right though, you can't take responsibility for this, what will be will be - I know that all too well unfortunately.
ReplyDeletexox
I am standing up and applauding. For your acutherapist, who is clearly a brilliant genius, and for you, for seeing the wisdom so clearly. And for finding that fighting spirit again. You can so do this again. Bring it!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you will be in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry. This is awful, and SO not related to anything that you did or didn't do. Huge hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the insight of your acu-therapist at my disposal. But you know, we all beat ourselves up over an IVF cycle gone bad, and we can all see so clearly when we're rooting for one of our blogger friends to hang in there and have hope. I think our reactions depend on which side we're on at any given point: hopelessly cycling or hopefully supporting.
ReplyDeleteOh no.. I am so sorry. This is just not fair. I will keep you in my thoughts. I am cheering you through this journey.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Wow, your accupuncturist is amazing! Thank you for sharing that, I think I really needed to hear that as well...I also like to think I have so much control over things I do not. It does feel so much better to hear things from her perspective. Been thinking about you SO much this week...sending lots of love & hope & strength to you. You are an amazing resilient woman & hope you know how much you mean to all of us as well!
ReplyDeleteStopping by from LFCA to tell you I am thinking about you and very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteDamn right!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about all this. It sucks. My little former donor totcicle was the second FET. Hope it works out that way for you.
Roccie,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are still hurting. Thanks for your questions on my blog post yesterday. Thanks for the info on APA. If this pg m/c's then I will request the testing but I even know that not all CCS normal embryos make it to a live baby...there is still a 4% m/c risk.
Where do I get my information...gosh I read alot. And I mean ALOT. This is over a year's worth of crap jammed into my brain. I think given my genetics diagnosis, alot of my information has come from reading medical journals about human reproduction genetics. I even have books that likely are reserved for medical students. Despite the heartache, my brain craves this information. I need to somehow understand everything as that is what makes me feel better when shit hits the fan.
It is expected that EVERY embryo created...about 15 - 25% will be abnormal despite the best eggs and the best sperm. Meiosis dictates an abnormal or normal embryo...so its all biology or if you believe...a higher power upon fertilization and the first stages of expansion. Even though we did CCS testing on our DE embryos you would think the implantation rates would be 100%. Sadly they are not...CCS helps with implantation and decreases m/c but NO procedure on this planet assures you 100% implanatation and 100% live baby at the end. I wish you were on the good side of statistics. I believe that you were delivered shitty luck AGAIN and hope that you will have enough strength to do it at least one more time. I now believe a BFN is worse than an early miscarriage as there are more questions than answers with a BFN than a miscarriage. Implantation and miscarriages are two completely different processes and sadly leaves more questions than answers. There is NO test on this planet that can monitor what is going on in the uterus or embryo after transfer. And that sucks. I think your RE's prediction that 50% of all embryos are abnormal is too high...I think he may believe that all embryos that fail to implant are abnormal. I don't believe that...there is more to it than if an embryo will continue to grow than just straight normal/abnormal. Heck abnormal embryos implant all the time...so theres more to it than that. In my heart of hearts you fell onto the wrong side of the stats this time...even DE there is a 20% chance (clinic dependant) that it will not work on the first round. I know you are with a good clinic - but no clinic on this planet can get you 100%...and that is the biggest heartbreak of all. Your heart feels that it will be a slam dunk but stats say otherwise. Sorry hun...I hate that I can't give you some warm fuzzy comment to make you feel better. But hopefully my cheap, untested and arm chair expert knowledge will help a bit. Stay strong.
Roccie...one more thing...just in case and I am sure everything is fine...but has Rocco's sperm ever undergone a sperm DNA fragmentation test (CCRM sends their samples to a lab in South Dakota I guess)? Also, do you know your Donor's Anti-Mullarian hormone level? If its above 1.2 its good. Just some more thoughts/questions for your RE
ReplyDeleteOh Roccie! I'm just reading all of this now. I feel terrible that I wasn't "there for you" sooner even though you don't know me and you already have a fabulous support system. So true... this was absolutely NOT your failure. Sending you hugs. Wishing I could do more.
ReplyDeleteShe's incredibly wise, your aculady. And she's right on the money. I think this experience just makes us blame ourselves...for things that, she's right, we have no right or responsibility to claim credit for.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are coming out swinging. This was a shitty setback. But that's all it is. Something temporary.
(And thanks for your comment...pulling myself slowly out of this funk and the weekend DID help).
That sounds like the best advice i've ever heard (well, other than advice that yours truly provides you with, of course!). I'm so glad you have this woman in your life right now. I feel the same way about my naturotherapist.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be there beside you to pour your martini's and talk about how much this all sucks. I really do. You deserve this Roccie, you really really really fucking do. And I've got MAD love for you too, girl. I want to see you happily pregnant, like right now.
Oh Roc!
ReplyDeleteI thought for certain you were on your way, and then in a cruel twist of IVF fate and well, here we are reading your incredible words of the brave realisation that you do not get 'credit' for this...it can only be onward and upward from here! You will do it Roc...I just *knows* it!
LS x
thank you for sharing this story. I think your acupuncturist put it so succinctly. I will remember this line and carry it with me.
ReplyDeletesorry to hear about the BFN.
I found your blog through Maddy's. I'm so sorry for your BFN. I love the comments by your RE though.
ReplyDelete"She told me to stop taking credit for it.
Stop taking credit for the failure."
I wish one of my REs or one of my therapists, hell, anyone would have said those words to me during my RPL nightmare.
Just catching up...so very sorry. This really sucks crapass.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this! What great perspective your acupuncturist has! Please go to my blog and read about my experience with acupuncture! It is quite different that yours! You'll find it linked on my "Favorite Posts" page.
ReplyDelete"If I cannot make it happen, I cannot make it fail."
I am tucking this one in my pocket.
We are using adopted embryos that were created with donor eggs!
Best of luck to you.
You've been on my mind & heart SO much my friend. I keep reminding myself of the quote, "courage does not always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow". Every step forward is an accomplishment, be gentle with yourself and know there are so many of us thinking of you. Sending love and wishing you strength
ReplyDeletewhat a wonderful idea to give the blame to someone else.
ReplyDeletei have been blaming myself for so many things i don't know if ill be able to stop. but im certainly going to try.
xoxo
lis
Here from CDLC. Very wise words from your thera-puncturist (great term, too). Definitely worth a wide audience.
ReplyDeleteBea
here from creme de la creme...
ReplyDeletewhat a enlightening perspective. one that i definitely need to hear these days.
That is such a hard Zen to really understand - such a great insight. (cdlc)
ReplyDeleteHere from CDLC. Your acutherapist is a genius. I'm definitely going to remember those wise words. Thanks for sharing them.
ReplyDeleteHere from Creme de la Creme.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fantastic post and just what I needed to read in the midst of IVF#4! I will hold onto that!
Thanks