Wednesday, January 18, 2012

So. You had you a donor egg baby.

Does the issue need a final analysis?  A post game review?  Do I need to size up my results as compared to my expectations?

I wish I had been a more frequent blogger to document the transition.  But I don't know if I could have done it.  How do you witness paint dry?  One day, it is just dry.  You might have noticed the tacky stage where the paint is sticky.  I think that was what most fascinated me.  The transition stage.

It was his nail beds.

I kind of obsessed on his nail beds.

Obsess isn't the right word.  It just got on my radar.  I cannot explain it.  I noticed it and since I did, I would come back to it.  Check it out.  Confirm my observations.  Then I would move on.

I don't notice it anymore, this is written from memory.

Jay's nail beds are lovely.  They are long and narrow.  He looks as though he could be a world renowned pianist one day.  Elegant hands, even for a baby.

My hands are mannish.  Man hands, right out of Seinfeld.  I have wide, short nail beds.  Even with a manicure (Oh!  The Good Old Days!), they still look quite masculine.  It doesn't bother me.  It is just me.  Toddlerina has hands that look like mine.  Jaybird looks different.

And that is the end of the differences I have cataloged.

He is so busy being himself, I can never really see him as anything else aside from Just Jay.  The same goes for Toddlerina.  She is so busy taking up so much space I never look at her as an extension of me.  I never did.

I thought I would feel this way, but how do you know.  I expected donor eggs to slide away into the non issue bin.  I am amazed just how cleanly and quickly it happened.  It was almost as if the nail beds were there to provide a point of reference.  To show the distance from here to there was not that great, if it even existed at all.

18 comments:

  1. So glad it was fast and easy. I think I would feel the same way.

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  2. I love reading this, Roccie. I really like how you describe your children as being their own persons and not an extension of you or anyone else. Thanks for sharing this with us.

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  3. Yes, I know what you mean. I've had moments that I'm aware of Tiny Boy's, well, Tiny Boyness. His nose is his own. His toes. For a while I kept staring at the baby pictures of the donors, wondering which one he looked more like. But really, he's just my son.

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  4. Nice what a great example! It's funny I flip from seeing J as his own person to then seeing him as a part of me because he does have features (especially his eyes) which are just like mine.

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  5. So glad this is in the non-issue bin for you (love that phrasing) and that I will feel the same.

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  6. This is just beautiful. And I can tell you that it only becomes more so as the years go by. My own two gifts--now 3 and almost 7--are so different from each other, despite having precisely the same genetic make-up (from my husband and from one anonymous egg donor). Even if I wanted to, I couldn't begin to anatomize the sources of each trait and each quirk, whether physical, intellectual, behavioral, or medical. I just stand back in amazement at their individuality and at the sheer miracle of them.

    I DO think nearly every day about the fact that an ED was involved in their origins, but it's just as a fact and a reason for gratitude. Actually, I kind of like the way that this central mystery of my boys' existence frees me from WANTING to anatomize. I can just appreciate them without spending a lot of time on deciphering whose eyes/hair/talent/challenge they've inherited.

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  7. Yup - that rings totally true for me too. In fact, occasionally I have to remind myself that I will have to speak to my DE son and tell him about it so that it continues to be a non-issue for him too. I can see how it would be very easy to just get on with living and being a family and kind of forget.

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  8. oh yeah...that donor egg thingy...totally know what you mean Roccie!!

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  9. God, what a beautiful post Roccie. I read it and reread it. And it made me stream from both eyes. It's lovely and it gave me shivers.

    I'm so glad. For you, for your hubs, for Toddlerina and for Jay Bird. You: beautiful family.

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  10. <3 So much goodness. I'ma gonna be there in about a year. Thanks for blazing the trail. Love you.

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  11. What a lovely post. I have to admit, from my place of vast ignorance, I have wondered what it's like, whether you're constantly having to remind yourself that those are not your nail beds, or whether it pretty much never comes up. I think it is perfect and amazing that you don't see them as extensions of yourself. It's an achievement, however naturally it may come to you!

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  12. Hi - Just wanted to say hi and thank you for your kind note on my blog the other day. It's nice to meet another Chicago girl :) And thanks for sharing your experiences with donor eggs - it's looking more and more likely to be our next step, and it helps so much to see others emerge on the other side at peace.

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  13. absolutely lovely post. thank you for sharing. you give me hope.

    Mo

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  14. Roccie, I tried and tried and tried on the day you posted this to post a comment but the system was against me!
    Maybe it was overloaded with everyone else who felt the same as me... that you are amazing and that this post was fucking brilliant.
    I'm sure thats what it was. xxx

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  15. Lovely post, and perfect timing for me to read it as I head out to drop off my DE paperwork in a couple of days. As a hopeful SMC, its great to read your post and some of the commenters blogs to get a "real world" perspective into DE and DS babies. Thank you.

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  16. I wish one of your fellow bloggers could have such serenity around DE. I donated embryos through Miracles Waiting and it was an absolutely fantastic experience. Though I don't have direct contact with the couple they're incredibly involved and loving. When I found out they decided against most pre-natal testing (because they longed for a child not perfection) I was elated. They were far more calm than I was in the 1st trimester. I don't see DE an not "carrying on your genetics" but as a way to expand your family in ways you never knew possible. I've never considered my genes to be a "must have" in society but I am so elated they make other families complete - even with the inevitable issues that will arise. Best of luck to you!

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