Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Donation anxiety

Not the bad kind, but just so wrapped up with this process I want it to have happened yesterday.


It kind of hit me a couple days ago that my son or daughter will be born elsewhere. Outside my arms.  It was not a fun day.  Today is another one.

I wanted to call the whole thing off.  Maybe I can have 8 more kids, or at least 8 more tries.  There is beauty and pride in poverty.  And mania.

Maybe I lied this wasn't the bad kind of anxiety.  Anxiety cannot be a good kind.  Here come the tears.  The snow helps.  I heard a beautiful sermon once about how snow is God's reminder of fresh starts with him.  I guess this storm is for me and my tears today.

I just really don't have anyone to talk to about it.  It is so fucking heavy it blows people's minds and renders them speechless.

I want these babies for my own.  There I said it.  It hurts so bad.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Letter to my donor

I never sent anything out to my donor.

I became so paralyzed with fear and emotion, my letter sat unsent.  I carried it with me for months, thinking I would finish it.  I never did.

I was afraid to say the wrong thing.  I was afraid the donor might be like me, so critical, no matter what I said, it would be wrong.

Now I am at a point where I feel I have to reach out to her.  I need to tell her about the embryo donation.

How's that for a big cold shock to her when she finally opens a letter from me?

My recipient family will want to have the same access to her that we have - the ability to contact her when Jay is 18.  But it won't be contractual, just a momma to momma agreement.  

I think the donor will want to know about the additional children since she asked that her children be able to reach mine once 18 as well.

I am scared to write this letter.  I don't know how to say it or what to say about my abominable absence during her whole egg retrieval. 

I am also ashamed to come clean with my recipient family.  This momma is so open and proud of this whole process - she is so far advanced compared to me.

The process is moving along well.  We have a serious time deadline to meet but it should be possible.  I am the only thing that seems to be screwing it up.