Friday, February 1, 2013

Letter to my donor

I never sent anything out to my donor.

I became so paralyzed with fear and emotion, my letter sat unsent.  I carried it with me for months, thinking I would finish it.  I never did.

I was afraid to say the wrong thing.  I was afraid the donor might be like me, so critical, no matter what I said, it would be wrong.

Now I am at a point where I feel I have to reach out to her.  I need to tell her about the embryo donation.

How's that for a big cold shock to her when she finally opens a letter from me?

My recipient family will want to have the same access to her that we have - the ability to contact her when Jay is 18.  But it won't be contractual, just a momma to momma agreement.  

I think the donor will want to know about the additional children since she asked that her children be able to reach mine once 18 as well.

I am scared to write this letter.  I don't know how to say it or what to say about my abominable absence during her whole egg retrieval. 

I am also ashamed to come clean with my recipient family.  This momma is so open and proud of this whole process - she is so far advanced compared to me.

The process is moving along well.  We have a serious time deadline to meet but it should be possible.  I am the only thing that seems to be screwing it up.


  1. I am responding here as a former egg donor: it will be okay! When I donated eggs for my eight(!!!) recipient families, I knew that embryo donation was always an option. In fact, when R and I looked into expanding our family, I considered checking to see if any of my recipients had embryos that they were considering donating! The point is, donating eggs is something I did because it was special to me and something I held a passion for - for helping others grow their families. The fact that you are doing the same through embryo donation will bring you closer together, not push you further apart. You two are more alike than you seemed on paper all that time ago! You are kindred spirits, joined together through BOTH family building experiences, then and now.

    1. That was me, btw. I was accidentally signed in under another account. Grr.

  2. Roccie, I don't know exactly where your anxiety is located but it feels quite normal to me that you should have it. I'm not even where you are, yet...still looking into donation possibilities.

  3. Sounds like a route I would pursue with wanting to let her know about the lucky couple.

  4. It's a complicated universe, even from the outside, let alone the inside, but my guess is this wonderful woman will understand anything you were able to communicate to her.

  5. You know that the reality we picture in our heads is often no where near as bad as real, true reality. I bet your donor will be touched to hear from you and happy that you've made a selfless decision to pass on your embryos. After all that makes YOU a donor now, just like your donor is a donor to you (confused?) so imagine how grateful you are to your donor for the gift she gave you... now you are passing the gift on to someone else - you very special person you.
    I never wrote to my donor either. x

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