Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Donation anxiety

Not the bad kind, but just so wrapped up with this process I want it to have happened yesterday.


It kind of hit me a couple days ago that my son or daughter will be born elsewhere. Outside my arms.  It was not a fun day.  Today is another one.

I wanted to call the whole thing off.  Maybe I can have 8 more kids, or at least 8 more tries.  There is beauty and pride in poverty.  And mania.

Maybe I lied this wasn't the bad kind of anxiety.  Anxiety cannot be a good kind.  Here come the tears.  The snow helps.  I heard a beautiful sermon once about how snow is God's reminder of fresh starts with him.  I guess this storm is for me and my tears today.

I just really don't have anyone to talk to about it.  It is so fucking heavy it blows people's minds and renders them speechless.

I want these babies for my own.  There I said it.  It hurts so bad.


  1. yes, those are your babies. How i wish it were possible for you and for all of us (me soon) who will be facing this dilemma to just go ahead and have them all.


  2. dear heart. this is so painful right now. Just let it wash over/through you. You are a strong willow, able to weather these feelings. And, yes, of course you want your babies. And of course donating makes the most sense. How difficult to reconcile it all.
    Sending my warmest hugs through the snow.

  3. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do want you to know I'm sending love and light your way. Many hugs.

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  5. I feel you on this. I know that physically and mentally I shouldn't try to have all of the rest of my babies, but I selfishly want to. It's hard to say it out loud. It's about you though and I'm glad you did because I totally feel what you are saying about this.

    I'm here if you need anything.

  6. Oh, my heart is hurting for you... Praying for you today.

  7. I'm so sorry. I guess (and I'm really guessing here) I would try to remember what it was like when you so desperately wanted little Jay, what a huge gift this is. You are so wonderful for doing this, you will get through this.

  8. Oh darling! Here's a great big hug, and feel free to use my shoulder as a handkerchief. It makes me cry, and I'm just watching from a distance. There are so many layers of complexity, so darn many. You are choosing adoptions for these little potential lives, and all the heartbreak that comes with it, as well as all the joy for the family you chose. I hope with all my heart that you feel more peaceful soon.

    Or change your mind and have all of them. BABY HOARDERS UNITE!

    1. Oh, and definitely do the raspberry ketones things Anon recommends. SOUNDS AWESOME.

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  10. I'm so sorry you are in pain...I'm hoping that checking the blog created by my friend and I, both who adopted embryos will bring some peace...the joy, love and happiness from our adopted embryos is immeasurable!!!

    Hope this helps!!!

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