Rejection: redefined

I am on the edge of my donor loving seat.

I had a feeling it would be hard to pick a donor.  I have outrageous expectations for everything.

I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist because my house is trashed, I could drop a few pounds, my dogs are disobedient and the list goes on.  Rocco tells me my expectations hurt me and hurt others as it sets everyone up for failure.

My initial donor requirements:

1. Tall.
   
   I am 5'9".
   
   
2. Not blonde hair, but dark hair.
   
   Easy to understand.
   
   
3. Caucasian.
   
   Avoid jokes about the postman.
   
   
4. Try really hard to find a previous donor.
   
   Do this to please RE as she said this is The Most Important Thing Ever.
   
   
5. Smart. 
   
   I graduated from school with honors (but it was no Big Ten, let me assure you this).
   

My final donor requirements:

1. Previous donor.
2. Mostly white girl.

Let me tell you, picking a donor was nothing like I thought it would be when I was a little girl. 

You start with all these gorgeous young women.  You read and let yourself get a little closer to them.  Yeah, she hasn't donated before but LOOK at her.  She is smart, sweet and pretty and everything I wish I could be.

Once you waste hours looking at these women, you remember the #1 piece of advice your RE gave you: Proven Donor.  You start over.  The pool to choose from is RADICALLY limited.  I am talking an 85% reduction in purchasing power.

I find Donor #1.  After some ups and downs, we submit her for approval by my RE.  I feel confident I am selecting on the right criteria.  She doesn't look much like me, but I offer it up as a sacrifice.  She has three cycles with Large Fertility Operation (LFO) under her belt.  They approve of her.

Bang.  Rejected by my RE.  Good enough for LFO doesn't mean good enough for my RE.

Donor #1 was rejected by my RE.  Donor #2 rejected by us as donor didn't stand a chance with my RE if #1 was cut.  Dang people, if donors had rejected me, you would have been re-assembling my heart.  Don't give me credit that I could survive this with a bullshit "Peace" mantra.

We are staying with LFO and not going to CCRM.  Honestly, if money were not an issue (it is) and we could travel easily (we can't) we would be at CCRM.  That place is like freaking Oz.  We are already in debt.  I am not prepared to compromise my time with Little One from IVF#2.

My RE at LFO told me her success rate was 90% this year.  She knows Rocco and me, she knows my body and she will make this happen.  My RE told me not to fall in love with a donor until she told me it was okay.  Damn, she is tough and I am grateful.

I love my RE and I believe in her.  She will make this happen.  I will accept her rejections and follow her direction.

90%.  Slam dunk.  I cannot entertain the thought of "Famous Last Words".  My heart aches and aches for those who have been down the path of donor eggs and left empty handed.  I just cannot put into thought, sound or print the possibility of anything other than success.  I hope my words do not hurt you.  I gotta be this way and I believe you will understand.

Donor #3 was submitted to our RE on Friday last week.  She may be approved tomorrow.  

I love her so bad I cannot see straight.  Oops. 

Thank you for your comments lately.  You know how much they mean.