Monday, September 27, 2010

Rejection: redefined

I am on the edge of my donor loving seat.

I had a feeling it would be hard to pick a donor.  I have outrageous expectations for everything.

I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist because my house is trashed, I could drop a few pounds, my dogs are disobedient and the list goes on.  Rocco tells me my expectations hurt me and hurt others as it sets everyone up for failure.

My initial donor requirements:
  1. Tall.

    I am 5'9".

  2. Not blonde hair, but dark hair.

    Easy to understand.

  3. Caucasian.

    Avoid jokes about the postman.

  4. Try really hard to find a previous donor.

    Do this to please RE as she said this is The Most Important Thing Ever.

  5. Smart. 

    I graduated from school with honors (but it was no Big Ten, let me assure you this).

My final donor requirements:
  1. Previous donor.
  2. Mostly white girl.

Let me tell you, picking a donor was nothing like I thought it would be when I was a little girl. 

You start with all these gorgeous young women.  You read and let yourself get a little closer to them.  Yeah, she hasn't donated before but LOOK at her.  She is smart, sweet and pretty and everything I wish I could be.

Once you waste hours looking at these women, you remember the #1 piece of advice your RE gave you: Proven Donor.  You start over.  The pool to choose from is RADICALLY limited.  I am talking an 85% reduction in purchasing power.

I find Donor #1.  After some ups and downs, we submit her for approval by my RE.  I feel confident I am selecting on the right criteria.  She doesn't look much like me, but I offer it up as a sacrifice.  She has three cycles with Large Fertility Operation (LFO) under her belt.  They approve of her.

Bang.  Rejected by my RE.  Good enough for LFO doesn't mean good enough for my RE.

Donor #1 was rejected by my RE.  Donor #2 rejected by us as donor didn't stand a chance with my RE if #1 was cut.  Dang people, if donors had rejected me, you would have been re-assembling my heart.  Don't give me credit that I could survive this with a bullshit "Peace" mantra.

We are staying with LFO and not going to CCRM.  Honestly, if money were not an issue (it is) and we could travel easily (we can't) we would be at CCRM.  That place is like freaking Oz.  We are already in debt.  I am not prepared to compromise my time with Little One from IVF#2.

My RE at LFO told me her success rate was 90% this year.  She knows Rocco and me, she knows my body and she will make this happen.  My RE told me not to fall in love with a donor until she told me it was okay.  Damn, she is tough and I am grateful.

I love my RE and I believe in her.  She will make this happen.  I will accept her rejections and follow her direction.

90%.  Slam dunk.  I cannot entertain the thought of "Famous Last Words".  My heart aches and aches for those who have been down the path of donor eggs and left empty handed.  I just cannot put into thought, sound or print the possibility of anything other than success.  I hope my words do not hurt you.  I gotta be this way and I believe you will understand.

Donor #3 was submitted to our RE on Friday last week.  She may be approved tomorrow.  

I love her so bad I cannot see straight.  Oops. 

Thank you for your comments lately.  You know how much they mean.


  1. I agree, the "shopping" for a donor thing is more than a little surreal. But at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you end up with a healthy baby. So I say whatever it takes to make that happen should be the highest priority.

    Good luck! Can't wait to hear more.

  2. Ugh, the anticipation & waiting! Thinking of you & hoping donor #3 is approved tomorrow and that you feel even more assured of your decision. So many things about this journey that are different than what we ever could have expected. Thanks for stopping by my blog & your kind words. The thought about the children's book has crossed my mind, I've been highly disappointed at the lack of material out there...we will see, one thing I've learned for sure, we never know where this crazy journey is going to take us next!

  3. I SO hope donor 3 is it for you. I know all to well how stressful the donor selecting process it and how we get our hopes up to have them come crashing down. I really really really hope, your RE approves this one.

  4. Your already in love with donor #3! May she be given the go ahead to be the one.

    Forgive my ignorance but do you go through a catalog of donors where you can see their pictures? How very interesting.

    Looking forward to hearing the good news.

  5. 90%?! Wow. Hard to argue with that. So I guess we just hope #3 meets with RE's exacting approval, huh? Hopehopehoping away!

  6. Sounds like that tough RE is worth sticking with. I know all the cool kids go to CCRM, but some of us will just have to make it with our non-designer polo shirts and fertility clinics. I like that you are only anticipating success. Keep going Roccie! You're awesome!

  7. Gosh, I had no idea picking a donor was complicated! Like I would assume it would be hard for you all, bu I had no idea the docs had a say. I am glad they do though. They will know who will work best for you all!

    Fingers crossed that #3 is the one!

  8. yikes - picking donors is HARD WORK. I feel for you babe, hope #3 is the lucky one :)

  9. Wow, that sounds hard. #3 IS THE CHARM!

  10. fingers crossed this one is IT so you can get this show on the road!

  11. MOSTLY white girl. I like it! I hope the mostly applies to the white and not the girl. It sounds like a rough road, but I'm delighted to hear the donors are not doing the rejecting. 'Cause that would be a crazy world. I hope #3 meets with hard ass RE's approval!

  12. I don't really know anything about how this works, but it's not what I expected. I thought it would be like window shopping! Sorry if I missed it in an earlier post, but why does your RE reject certain donors? What is she looking for? Fingers crossed that #3 is a go!

  13. Ohh, third time's the charm! Crossing fingers that this is the one! What a roller coaster you've been on. Jeez'o'peets!

  14. Yeah, I remember dreaming of picking a surrogate when I was a teenager. Um, NOT!

    I letting the RE pick a donor works, then by all means!

    Fingers crossed that this one is the one.

  15. Good luck Roccie!!!

  16. Yep, been here before. A proven donor is important. I took a risk with my first unproven donor and was destroyed when the cycle was ruined because her eggs didn't develop properly. You'll find her, she's out there just waiting to give you those little cells.

  17. I didn't realize the "proven donor" thing was so key. Yikes a million, Roccie. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it should be all wine and roses for you from this point forward (well, maybe no wine...but you know what I mean).

    Third time: big, big charm.

  18. I am woefully behind on you, my friend, and for that I apologize. This is Big. News. I can't stand the suspense - scrolling up in my news reader now...