Thursday, August 30, 2012

Some sorta postpartum depression. Who knew.

Postpartum depression is my new psychiatrist's specialty.  When all you have is a hammer, well it all looks like postpartum.  Not sure I buy it, but ok, there it is.  Something about it starting within 6 months of delivery.

Didn't have it with Leah (formerly known as Toddlerina, then formerly known as Pre-Schooler-ista).  Doesn't that make me immune?

I knew I was flagged at risk with Leah's pregnancy, but not sure I really saw the signs at the time.  In hind sight, I probably did, but a story for another time.  Had to get back on the mother fucking IF wagon in pursuit of Take Home Two.  Figured it was all that hormone rodeo.  Oh well, doesn't matter.

I was lucky with my depression in both cases.  The time with Jay and Leah eclipsed my sadness.  I did not have attachment issues, but never slept at night.  I would lie in bed devising plans to escape the house should an attacker come in to steal my babies.

Crazy much?

Anxiety was my new thing.  Never had this before.  Suuuuuucks. Racingthoughtsrelivingeverymistakeyouevermadedammitwhydidthathappen.

Depression.  Try losing all your friends from work (I had some whopper good ones). House bound.  All of a sudden I need to learn to cook and I cannot afford my house cleaner.  Lazy bitch that I am, have always had a cleaning service until when I really needed it.  It is dark at 4 fucking thirty.  

Work doesn't bat an eye at my leaving.  (Only my one buddy out there knows how deep that one digs me.)  Gotta sell the house we cannot afford.  Cannot sell the house as no one will buy it.  More layoffs at Rocco's work.  My precious Leah is becoming wildly Jekyll/Hyde.  My mother in law is dwelling in my basement like a monster.  Fuuuuuuck.

Break down to take the anti-depressant once Jay is 4 months old.  Holy cleared skies.  I forgot this is how I was supposed to feel.

Anyhow, truth in advertising.  I am a bit of a nutter, but we will try to wean off the new cocktail of meds in 6-9 months.

Worry not.  This is how I feel now.  My girl at peace, just like me.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Man, I am going to miss summer

First vacation since Pre-schooler-ista (formerly known as Toddlerina) was less than one year old.

I am so happy it is slightly absurd.  

Yes, Rocco makes me insane as he is The World's Worst Disciplinarian, but a little sun and sand makes it all fade away.  Counseling is going ok, but we are on her maternity break.  Pretty sure this is why Rocco took us to the beach.  Self preservation.

Oh, and a little medication doesn't hurt either.  So much for my "situational" depression when my first daughter was stillborn years ago.  Guess it is a long situation?  New crazy med doctor appt tonight.  Eager to get her analysis.  

Maybe I am just perma crazy.  I am ok with this.  It was some big shit that went down.

Would you believe me if I told you sometimes I am afraid I am going to forget to tell Jaybird about the DE?