Saturday, February 22, 2014

IVF, Donor egg and Freak of Nature Babies

My friends all call this pregnancy a "normal" one.  I usually correct them with a honest laugh, tell them that we Infertiles prefer the term "Unassisted".  I guess "Spontaneous" works, but sounds too clinical and I don't think this stuff happens without science or God.

Uncomfortable with that last sentence but I'll leave it for now.

Everything is going well.  Lots of movement.  Can't think of a girl name.  Boys name is set.  Need to get Jay out of the crib.  Not worried anymore.  I have not graduated to some higher plane of faith, I just don't have the time to worry like I used to.

Shame really.  I am an exceptional worrier.

I fired my OB office for not offering the Harmony, Maternit21 or other type test.  Fuckers. I had to find it online myself.

You're fired.  CVS/Amnio-pushing fuckers.

Leah asked me why I had a white stripe on my head.  I'm so close to delivery that I am doling out my hair coloring to make it to mid May.  How is that for shallow.  I think I tracked the first take home baby by comparing him/her to fruit sizes.  This one's arrival is tracked by how many times I can get my roots done.

Spare time is delightful.  I hate to spend it in a chair.

Miss you guys.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Somebody else's baby

Our recipient family is heading in for a Caesarian in a couple hours.

She has been in the hospital all week trying to induce as naturally as possible, but her due date has come and gone. They are going in to get him.

I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to hear it. I told Jay his brother would be born today. It didn't feel right. But it is his brother. And it's not. So very heavy.

I'm excited and kind of scared. I think I'm all good with this but I can always lean on my "hide from feed" button.

Shoulda been my baby.

Makes no sense. I know.

But it shoulda.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Typical chromosomes.

Rocco and I talked about babies a million years ago, before we got on the IF train ride through the jungle.  We agreed that we would welcome a baby if s/he had Down Syndrome. Of course we would.

Then it became a very real chance of becoming a part of our lives.

What had we signed up for.

Hours, days, google searches, board binging, blog binging.  I walked with the families who have a member with Down Syndrome.

I am ashamed to admit I was afraid of what I would find.  How it would make me feel.

My last post did not represent coming to terms with Down Syndrome.  I made it look easy.  Cut and dry.  Simple.  It wasn't that easy.  There were a lot of big scary rocks I had to look under.  Heart surgeries.  OPEN heart surgeries.  It was terrifying.

These families put it all in perspective.  Law love the internet.  I was able to read about diagnoses, both before and at birth.  Parents took it in stride, parents reeled, parents processed.  It was magnificent to see family after family arrive at the same place.  One of my favorite bloggers tags her posts on the bulletin board with facts about all three of her kids - left handed, curly haired, and T21.  Fact, fact, fact.

Not "normal" chromosomes.  Typical.

No Trisomy 18.

No Down Syndrome.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

My family and the 21st chromosome

We chose not to move forward with the cvs yesterday. We submitted a blood sample to Maternit21. Results back in about 10 days.

I am 14 wks, but the baby measured at 15 wks yesterday. The geneticist felt this was a good reason to conclude our risk for Trisomy 18 was, in fact, probably less than 1/27.

I love geneticists. Love them. So wise and kind and sensitive. She followed our lead that the diagnosis of Down Syndrome was not worth jeopardizing our pregnancy. It will not be designated as bad news should s/he have an extra chromosome in 21.  It will just be part of who the child is. Just like Jay is donor egg, he's still my guy.  This baby still wants love more than anything else.

The size of the baby does not impact our potential to have a baby with Ds (Down Syndrome, for those in the know).  The u/s produced a nasal bone that was not present previously.  Still just another fact. Not a clear indicator of the number of chromosomes hanging out in location 21.

I am downright JOYOUS to write off Trisomy 18. Yeah, I know it's not totally eradicated but I'm saying it is.

I found another tribe of Mommas. The Ds Mommas. You should see the way that they care for each other and any family interested in learning their ways.  I know I'll never be alone or want for support if I needed it. Mommas are amazing. Amazing.

The so-called Momma Wars don't exist in my world. I got you guys. I got them. You all have me. I am blessed beyond measure, yay though I kinda cringe at that word.  Lucky. Grateful. So very grateful.

Thanks for your support. Tell me what I can do for you.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Considering invasive testing

We got the call that we are at increased chances of our baby having Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18.

Our original ratios for my age were 1/62, changed to 1/6 for Down Syndrome.  It was 1/115, changed to 1/27 for Trisomy 18.

Down Sydrome.  Not Down's Syndrome.  We can do this.

Trisomy 18.  Failure to thrive.  I don't know if I can go here.

Last time I did this, I lost 2 jobs.  Long term disability.  Lost the fucking plot.  I don't know how I could carry but I don't know how I could not carry either.

Considering CVS.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Roger that.

Any chance you saw Gravity?  (Not a spoiler.)

I like how she learned to say "Roger that" when she fully expected a response, but didn't get one.  She carried on like she had heard the words she wanted to hear.

I belted this out in the car a couple weeks ago when I was riding high on the confidence of vomit in my toilet.  I heard the acoustic version on the way to the appointment this morning.

We are all good.  Heartbeat found.

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

With love, with patience and with faith
Her Momma will make her way

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Tomorrow, we ride.

Out of context?  Maybe.

Self indulgent post.

I have been curbing my thoughts on tomorrow's doctor appointment for weeks.  Fucking WEEKS.  Today has been a little harder.

Dumping a little free form, free skate here to try to shake the Boogey Man off my tail.

I think my belly is too small.  Shouldn't it be bigger by now.  Harder.

Maybe I am not peeing with quite the urgency I once enjoyed throughout the night.

Why don't I throw up any longer.

My personal list of how to tell you are no longer pregnant.  Damn.  Now that will bring likeminded suffering mommas to this site and all they will find is my ramble.  Damn you search engine.  You need a "quality filter".

Even when I am pregnant like a Fertile (carrying a primitive, sex-made baby), I cannot relax and enjoy the ride like a Fertile.