Sunday, October 26, 2014

PPD. She beckons.

Hi old friends.

How I miss you guys. Planning to jump back into the world of posting, sharing and supporting. I've been gone so long.  My heart is heavy thinking of the times you may have needed me but I wasn't there. Or here.

Gotta give to take, right?  Make deposits to afford withdrawals.  I'm afraid I'm breaking that rule. I could use a little backing right now.

The Blues. I feel them lurking. Ah, shitballs. No autocorrect I don't mean spitballs. I mean fuck. I got not time for the post partum depression.

Haven't told Rocco yet. Apprehensive. Not a good sign, huh?  Probably all the more reason I need to open up. Maybe next week.

How you been. Give me a one sentence update please if you're still here?  I'm so very overwhelmed by my Giant Unread Reader Feed.  Tell me what I can do for you to make it up to you.

Much love,
Mother of a five month old
Mother of a almost 3 year old
Mother of a 5 year old
Mother to Mannie who is gone

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Safe. Take home complete.

Welcome home baby!

All is well.  We had a baby girl.  She is just right. She may be perfect.

I'm typing w one hand.

She looks like Jay, our DE baby. Ha! Oh, the humor of it all.

Everything is fabulously hard work.  I am delightfully exhausted.

I see less blowouts with cloth diapers.

I worked with a post partum doula and she was freakishly magnificent. My milk came in 3 days compared to the IVF and DE 5-6 days.

Bowls of pasta warmed 30 seconds to room temperature makes a good breakfast.

The Bigs are great with her. They love on her a little hard, but they're learning.

She was 6 1/2 pounds where my others were 8ish.  Tiny love.

Who knew.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Greetings from a waiting crib

Gah.  I have my heart outside my body and stapled to my knees.  If I fall, it will hurt.  I feel so exposed, pumping my blood externally and shit.  Hopefully two more weeks and this baby comes home.

I came out on FB about the baby.  Mixed feelings about the whole thing.  I feel like a dick for doing it but I think the only thing worse would have been baby pictures showing up like little bombs to the heart.  Maybe.

At least I look like a wildebeast in the picture.  Send me a friend request and zoom in on my roots.  It's good for a laugh.  Leah keeps asking why I have a skunk stripe.  Oh, isn't she darling.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

IVF, Donor egg and Freak of Nature Babies

My friends all call this pregnancy a "normal" one.  I usually correct them with a honest laugh, tell them that we Infertiles prefer the term "Unassisted".  I guess "Spontaneous" works, but sounds too clinical and I don't think this stuff happens without science or God.

Uncomfortable with that last sentence but I'll leave it for now.

Everything is going well.  Lots of movement.  Can't think of a girl name.  Boys name is set.  Need to get Jay out of the crib.  Not worried anymore.  I have not graduated to some higher plane of faith, I just don't have the time to worry like I used to.

Shame really.  I am an exceptional worrier.

I fired my OB office for not offering the Harmony, Maternit21 or other type test.  Fuckers. I had to find it online myself.

You're fired.  CVS/Amnio-pushing fuckers.

Leah asked me why I had a white stripe on my head.  I'm so close to delivery that I am doling out my hair coloring to make it to mid May.  How is that for shallow.  I think I tracked the first take home baby by comparing him/her to fruit sizes.  This one's arrival is tracked by how many times I can get my roots done.

Spare time is delightful.  I hate to spend it in a chair.

Miss you guys.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Somebody else's baby

Our recipient family is heading in for a Caesarian in a couple hours.

She has been in the hospital all week trying to induce as naturally as possible, but her due date has come and gone. They are going in to get him.

I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to hear it. I told Jay his brother would be born today. It didn't feel right. But it is his brother. And it's not. So very heavy.

I'm excited and kind of scared. I think I'm all good with this but I can always lean on my "hide from feed" button.

Shoulda been my baby.

Makes no sense. I know.

But it shoulda.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Typical chromosomes.

Rocco and I talked about babies a million years ago, before we got on the IF train ride through the jungle.  We agreed that we would welcome a baby if s/he had Down Syndrome. Of course we would.

Then it became a very real chance of becoming a part of our lives.

What had we signed up for.

Hours, days, google searches, board binging, blog binging.  I walked with the families who have a member with Down Syndrome.

I am ashamed to admit I was afraid of what I would find.  How it would make me feel.

My last post did not represent coming to terms with Down Syndrome.  I made it look easy.  Cut and dry.  Simple.  It wasn't that easy.  There were a lot of big scary rocks I had to look under.  Heart surgeries.  OPEN heart surgeries.  It was terrifying.

These families put it all in perspective.  Law love the internet.  I was able to read about diagnoses, both before and at birth.  Parents took it in stride, parents reeled, parents processed.  It was magnificent to see family after family arrive at the same place.  One of my favorite bloggers tags her posts on the bulletin board with facts about all three of her kids - left handed, curly haired, and T21.  Fact, fact, fact.

Not "normal" chromosomes.  Typical.

No Trisomy 18.

No Down Syndrome.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

My family and the 21st chromosome

We chose not to move forward with the cvs yesterday. We submitted a blood sample to Maternit21. Results back in about 10 days.

I am 14 wks, but the baby measured at 15 wks yesterday. The geneticist felt this was a good reason to conclude our risk for Trisomy 18 was, in fact, probably less than 1/27.

I love geneticists. Love them. So wise and kind and sensitive. She followed our lead that the diagnosis of Down Syndrome was not worth jeopardizing our pregnancy. It will not be designated as bad news should s/he have an extra chromosome in 21.  It will just be part of who the child is. Just like Jay is donor egg, he's still my guy.  This baby still wants love more than anything else.

The size of the baby does not impact our potential to have a baby with Ds (Down Syndrome, for those in the know).  The u/s produced a nasal bone that was not present previously.  Still just another fact. Not a clear indicator of the number of chromosomes hanging out in location 21.

I am downright JOYOUS to write off Trisomy 18. Yeah, I know it's not totally eradicated but I'm saying it is.

I found another tribe of Mommas. The Ds Mommas. You should see the way that they care for each other and any family interested in learning their ways.  I know I'll never be alone or want for support if I needed it. Mommas are amazing. Amazing.

The so-called Momma Wars don't exist in my world. I got you guys. I got them. You all have me. I am blessed beyond measure, yay though I kinda cringe at that word.  Lucky. Grateful. So very grateful.

Thanks for your support. Tell me what I can do for you.