Busybusybusy

He is into EVERYTHING.

I was so desperate for some peace, I let Jay play with the fire extinguisher.

Worst momma ever.

Hello May

Whew.  April is over, but the daffodils linger on.

They don't seem as mean anymore. 

A friend shared William Wordsworth's poem I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud, or commonly known as Daffodils, with me.

You can never translate what poetry means to you, unless you are in college and being forced to do it.  But in short, it made me place the flowers on par with the stars.

Daffodils

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

William Wordsworth

Fucking daffodils

Hello April.  Fuck you and your fucking daffodils.

Mannie's anniversary passed with a slow and painful drag.  One single person remembered the day she died.  Several helped me to quietly celebrate the day I met her.

Rocco forgot.  My family forgot.  I guess people move on and assume I am done mourning her.

I got some news on the anniversary.  Our recipient family is pregnant. Right now it just hurts a little bit more.  But I think as I grow into this it will add a wonderful element of hope to a grim day.

Housekeeping

Sometimes you just get so behind in your reader, you cut your losses and commenting is a luxury.  Especially for you nutters that have that law awful word verification code still turned on.  Have mercy, for a girl reading on a phone, it is an instant comment killer.

I have enjoyed the enthusiasm a few of you have had with me turning on comment moderation.  I got tired of too many compliments in poor English from people trying to get me to view their bar scanner websites.  Your comments are sent to me in email.  Sometimes I try not to approve them the instant you post them in an effort to look like I dont THRIVE on comments.  Usually though, you get a near real time post.

Rocco got a promotion.  Formerly imminent financial demise is now a thing of the past.  I am so happy I could barf.  Still think we will downsize, but on our own time.  We are robbing Peter to pay Paul to close out my 401k Lets Make A Donor Egg Baby Loan, but it should work.  Stress levels are down.

Leah has been a beast lately and I think my parenting skills are poor.  Sucks.  Stress levels back up.

Recipient family has transfer in less than a week.  It will feel like my own personal TWW.

Much love from your quiet friend,
Roccie

Riding the waves

Here I am.

The days were up and down.  It was a gradual recovery.  I still have tender moments, but they are fewer and a little less intense as time passes.

My recipient family is over the moon.  We jumped through some serious hoops to get things done as quickly as possible for her.  Maybe that inflamed the panic a little bit.  All I know is that the embryos are with their new family.

My sister had a great one.  She told me that when this birth eventually comes, I cannot see the child as "The One That Could Have Been Mine".  We all know the perfect uterus can fail to implant the most perfect embryo.  (Remember my fresh cycle?)  There is no guarantee that same embryo would have implanted in me just because it implanted in her. Good one, huh?

Thanks for your support.  I have never felt such a raw need to reach out and ask for help. I was a bit of a mess.  Special thanks to those who came out of the quiet and Anonymous.  Special thanks to my old friends who have stuck around when I need you most.  All sappy for y'all.

I miss those babies.

It's done and I'm crying

I sure could use your thoughts and prayers right now.

Back to stable

Doesn't mean I am not going to cry about it.

I had to come to an understanding that wanting those babies didn't necessarily mean birthing those babies.  It still hurts and I still wish they could all be mine but they cannot.

If I was 28 and I was not in a financial abyss, would I have 8 more?  No.  Would I have one more?  Maybe.  If my husband was 38 not 51 would I do it?  Maybe one more, but still not 8.

The fact is that I have everything I need, even if I don't have everything I want.

Funny, I have a girlfriend in the neighborhood who got pregnant with her third on accident. Many times Rocco and I have shared a laugh about what they have in store for them. Course, this was all only funny before I was finalizing my donation contract.

I don't want to be her.  I don't want to be pregnant again.  Mostly.  That ride is a long and scary freak show for BLM.  I hate going back there in some ways.

I want to close the doors on my past and focus on the present.  I don't know that I have the energy reserves to get back on the horse.  I know I don't.  

I can never sit and say that I tied this all up.  I will always feel wistful about having one more.

Last night I crawled into bed to find my Leah there in the center.  Her spot.  I watched her sleeping and tears streamed down my face.  (Thank God she didnt wake up.)  It was such a powerful moment.  I could hear my decision tightening up in my heart.

I tried praying about it.  Just doesn't really work for me.  Kind of like I am a little kid in therapy.  Straight questions don't work for kids.  You ask them to draw or throw the ball around, and they talk.  I stop sitting and waiting for The Big Answer in prayer and it shows up on my bed at 12:30 in the morning.

I realize I love CHILDREN.  I have children.  More doesn't make it better.  More just makes it different and I am happy where I am now.

I do thank God for the recipient family we have found.  She changed my perspective on what "open" really means.  I think I have failed to celebrate what a precious gift this is.  I can't really talk about it now cause it makes me cry and I feel a little dried out.

I wish they were mine.  All of them, not just the famous "last one".  I want them in my arms.  Tears.  

Good thing this life is bigger than all of us.  Our time here on Earth is so short.  I have plenty of time to be in their space when I think about the big picture.  It gives me a lot of comfort.  I will take them to all the best rock concerts in heaven.  I will exchange a million words with just a look and all will be right.