Thursday, March 28, 2013

Riding the waves

Here I am.

The days were up and down.  It was a gradual recovery.  I still have tender moments, but they are fewer and a little less intense as time passes.

My recipient family is over the moon.  We jumped through some serious hoops to get things done as quickly as possible for her.  Maybe that inflamed the panic a little bit.  All I know is that the embryos are with their new family.

My sister had a great one.  She told me that when this birth eventually comes, I cannot see the child as "The One That Could Have Been Mine".  We all know the perfect uterus can fail to implant the most perfect embryo.  (Remember my fresh cycle?)  There is no guarantee that same embryo would have implanted in me just because it implanted in her. Good one, huh?

Thanks for your support.  I have never felt such a raw need to reach out and ask for help. I was a bit of a mess.  Special thanks to those who came out of the quiet and Anonymous.  Special thanks to my old friends who have stuck around when I need you most.  All sappy for y'all.

I miss those babies.

Friday, March 8, 2013

It's done and I'm crying

I sure could use your thoughts and prayers right now.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Back to stable

Doesn't mean I am not going to cry about it.

I had to come to an understanding that wanting those babies didn't necessarily mean birthing those babies.  It still hurts and I still wish they could all be mine but they cannot.

If I was 28 and I was not in a financial abyss, would I have 8 more?  No.  Would I have one more?  Maybe.  If my husband was 38 not 51 would I do it?  Maybe one more, but still not 8.

The fact is that I have everything I need, even if I don't have everything I want.

Funny, I have a girlfriend in the neighborhood who got pregnant with her third on accident. Many times Rocco and I have shared a laugh about what they have in store for them. Course, this was all only funny before I was finalizing my donation contract.

I don't want to be her.  I don't want to be pregnant again.  Mostly.  That ride is a long and scary freak show for BLM.  I hate going back there in some ways.

I want to close the doors on my past and focus on the present.  I don't know that I have the energy reserves to get back on the horse.  I know I don't.  

I can never sit and say that I tied this all up.  I will always feel wistful about having one more.

Last night I crawled into bed to find my Leah there in the center.  Her spot.  I watched her sleeping and tears streamed down my face.  (Thank God she didnt wake up.)  It was such a powerful moment.  I could hear my decision tightening up in my heart.

I tried praying about it.  Just doesn't really work for me.  Kind of like I am a little kid in therapy.  Straight questions don't work for kids.  You ask them to draw or throw the ball around, and they talk.  I stop sitting and waiting for The Big Answer in prayer and it shows up on my bed at 12:30 in the morning.

I realize I love CHILDREN.  I have children.  More doesn't make it better.  More just makes it different and I am happy where I am now.

I do thank God for the recipient family we have found.  She changed my perspective on what "open" really means.  I think I have failed to celebrate what a precious gift this is.  I can't really talk about it now cause it makes me cry and I feel a little dried out.

I wish they were mine.  All of them, not just the famous "last one".  I want them in my arms.  Tears.  

Good thing this life is bigger than all of us.  Our time here on Earth is so short.  I have plenty of time to be in their space when I think about the big picture.  It gives me a lot of comfort.  I will take them to all the best rock concerts in heaven.  I will exchange a million words with just a look and all will be right.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Unexpected melt down

I just cannot be sure we are finished.

Why does it hurt so much to give these embryos away to a loving home.

What if it means I want just one more.

What if it is just the normal mourning process of moving on.

How am I supposed to tell the difference.

I can't see to type right now, so I think I will have to talk about it later.