Doesn't mean I am not going to cry about it.
I had to come to an understanding that wanting those babies didn't necessarily mean birthing those babies. It still hurts and I still wish they could all be mine but they cannot.
If I was 28 and I was not in a financial abyss, would I have 8 more? No. Would I have one more? Maybe. If my husband was 38 not 51 would I do it? Maybe one more, but still not 8.
The fact is that I have everything I need, even if I don't have everything I want.
Funny, I have a girlfriend in the neighborhood who got pregnant with her third on accident. Many times Rocco and I have shared a laugh about what they have in store for them. Course, this was all only funny before I was finalizing my donation contract.
I don't want to be her. I don't want to be pregnant again. Mostly. That ride is a long and scary freak show for BLM. I hate going back there in some ways.
I want to close the doors on my past and focus on the present. I don't know that I have the energy reserves to get back on the horse. I know I don't.
I can never sit and say that I tied this all up. I will always feel wistful about having one more.
Last night I crawled into bed to find my Leah there in the center. Her spot. I watched her sleeping and tears streamed down my face. (Thank God she didnt wake up.) It was such a powerful moment. I could hear my decision tightening up in my heart.
I tried praying about it. Just doesn't really work for me. Kind of like I am a little kid in therapy. Straight questions don't work for kids. You ask them to draw or throw the ball around, and they talk. I stop sitting and waiting for The Big Answer in prayer and it shows up on my bed at 12:30 in the morning.
I realize I love CHILDREN. I have children. More doesn't make it better. More just makes it different and I am happy where I am now.
I do thank God for the recipient family we have found. She changed my perspective on what "open" really means. I think I have failed to celebrate what a precious gift this is. I can't really talk about it now cause it makes me cry and I feel a little dried out.
I wish they were mine. All of them, not just the famous "last one". I want them in my arms. Tears.
Good thing this life is bigger than all of us. Our time here on Earth is so short. I have plenty of time to be in their space when I think about the big picture. It gives me a lot of comfort. I will take them to all the best rock concerts in heaven. I will exchange a million words with just a look and all will be right.