Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Back to stable

Doesn't mean I am not going to cry about it.

I had to come to an understanding that wanting those babies didn't necessarily mean birthing those babies.  It still hurts and I still wish they could all be mine but they cannot.

If I was 28 and I was not in a financial abyss, would I have 8 more?  No.  Would I have one more?  Maybe.  If my husband was 38 not 51 would I do it?  Maybe one more, but still not 8.

The fact is that I have everything I need, even if I don't have everything I want.

Funny, I have a girlfriend in the neighborhood who got pregnant with her third on accident. Many times Rocco and I have shared a laugh about what they have in store for them. Course, this was all only funny before I was finalizing my donation contract.

I don't want to be her.  I don't want to be pregnant again.  Mostly.  That ride is a long and scary freak show for BLM.  I hate going back there in some ways.

I want to close the doors on my past and focus on the present.  I don't know that I have the energy reserves to get back on the horse.  I know I don't.  

I can never sit and say that I tied this all up.  I will always feel wistful about having one more.

Last night I crawled into bed to find my Leah there in the center.  Her spot.  I watched her sleeping and tears streamed down my face.  (Thank God she didnt wake up.)  It was such a powerful moment.  I could hear my decision tightening up in my heart.

I tried praying about it.  Just doesn't really work for me.  Kind of like I am a little kid in therapy.  Straight questions don't work for kids.  You ask them to draw or throw the ball around, and they talk.  I stop sitting and waiting for The Big Answer in prayer and it shows up on my bed at 12:30 in the morning.

I realize I love CHILDREN.  I have children.  More doesn't make it better.  More just makes it different and I am happy where I am now.

I do thank God for the recipient family we have found.  She changed my perspective on what "open" really means.  I think I have failed to celebrate what a precious gift this is.  I can't really talk about it now cause it makes me cry and I feel a little dried out.

I wish they were mine.  All of them, not just the famous "last one".  I want them in my arms.  Tears.  

Good thing this life is bigger than all of us.  Our time here on Earth is so short.  I have plenty of time to be in their space when I think about the big picture.  It gives me a lot of comfort.  I will take them to all the best rock concerts in heaven.  I will exchange a million words with just a look and all will be right.


  1. Really quite understandable how you feel. ((( Hugs )))

  2. All the best rock concerts in heaven. I held it together until just then. I am glad for this gift and it is even more precious because they are so dear. Much love from my corner of the world.

  3. It's been a while since I've come across your blog but read with a lot of interest tonight. I can only imagine what you are going through. I really struggled with donor eggs vs. donor embryos. A big concern of mine was finding homes for embryos we didn't use, thus our decision to go through our clinic's embryo donation program. For what it's worth, I am in awe of the couples who give fellow infertiles the chance to become parents. I also have this odd sense of greater responsibility to these future children. Not that I think we would screw up our genetic kids ; ) I just feel like our donating couple is giving us an awesomely huge and selfless gift, and we want to do all we can to honor this gift. Wishing you complete peace with your decision.

  4. Thank you for being so honest about the intense emotions of donating your embryos. As a recipient family of donor embryos I've always been so thankful to our donor family and while we do share very openly our feelings and emotions along the way I can't possibly know how hard it was for them to trust us with such an immense selfless gift and this gives me another peak into how intense this process was for them in the beginning stages. So much love to you my strong friend, you have given these embryos the gift of a chance at life and this family a gift that is something they will forever be thankful for.

  5. I haven't commented in awhile Roccie, but I am always here reading. Your post has come at a time when I really needed to hear these words...."More doesn't make it better. More just makes it different. I am happy where I am now."

    We have 3 kids. First 2 are IVF babies (male factor infertility.) 2 miscarriages within 5 months (one after we for pregnant on our own...enter shock) and one after our last FET with our last 2 blasts. Then the following month I got pregnant AGAIN on my own and had my third who will be 1 coming up soon.

    I loved being pregnant, besides horrible morning sickness weeks 6-18, and then being terrified of another loss later on. But the thing is, after my third, I felt ok being DONE. Then when my neighbor announced she is about to start trying after 8 years of marriage (she is 3 months in and I have let her know about ovulation tests. Praying for her it doesn't take much more than that as we all in this community knows it can) I felt that PULL. That desire maybe we could have just ONE more. Why not? They would all be close in age, mix of both genders already, we have everything still slowly making its way out...

    Then my husband put his foot down. NO MORE. Which he is mid-forties (we have a decent age gap) and he feels lucky for 3 healthy children after how we have struggled to get here. I am struggling now and you my dear Roccie have touched my core with this post. I will be reminding myself of your words in the days to come.


    1. Kel I think I have your email address but I am a little afraid it isnt you as it is so generic. I would love to catch up. It means a load to me that my words might have helped just a little bit. Maybe we can walk eachother through the rough days?

  6. Glad to hear you are getting a little more clarity. Very powerful post.

  7. Emailing you now Roccie!


  8. For some reason I can't comment on your latest post, so I'm trying it here: You've got 'em, you amazing woman. This is an incredible gift of love.