Tie a knot and hang on.

I feel like that kitten swinging on a rope.  The poster very likely hung from my bedroom wall back when I was young (and more fertile).

The IVF retrieval was canceled due to poor response.  We were not advised to consider the option to retrieve the single egg.  My progesterone was on the rise and waiting on the other egg wasn't going to work.

I was sort of lying to myself when I said this was the last IVF before donor.  I always knew I had the option to fall back on DHEA.  The cancer link scared me, but I knew deep down it must not match the hype or my RE wouldn't offer it.  It was like a safety net.  One last Last Chance should this cycle not turn out.

Rocco and I were on the phone with the RE when she called it.  We had a mini WTF appointment.  We talked about what would change for the next round: back to microdose Lupron; the DHEA and a handful of other meds; 2-3 months to let the supplements (Royal Jelly, CoQ10, Melatonin, etc.) kick in.  

My RE talked me down off my worries on DHEA.  She explained the DHEA was only taken for 5 days and the studies linked to cancer were for over 3-4 years of continuous use.  We were building a plan.  I was smiling and pulling my calendar, already doing to date math for a due date.  God help me.

The tide started to change on me.  I wasn't getting the whole story.  I sensed trouble.  I asked if she thought I had diminished ovarian reserve. I didn't think so, I had some bad ass FSH.  "Oh, it is definitely DOR."  She said something about getting closer to donor eggs.  

Gulp.  What.  The rest is a blur. 

My RE was referring me to CCRM, the Mayo of the Fertically Challenged.  The Large Fertility Operation had nothing else to offer me.  A fresh set of eyes and a second opinion was the best recommendation she could give me.

I don't understand.  We just sketched out the next cycle, didn't we?  Didn't we?  I pressed my RE for her thoughts.  I have come to trust her and like her very much.  I make the conversation sound horrible (it was), but she was very kind in delivering the message.

"I would only be guessing.  But if I had to give you a percentage of success, there is about a 10% chance you would make it to retrieval."

All that time, energy and money.  For a 10% chance to make it to retrieval.

A 10% chance to make it to see if we succeed with a 17% chance to get pregnant.

What about all the other hurdles?  POAS?  Beta 1, beta 2, beta 3?  The heartbeat?  The level II ultrasound?  Viability at 3x weeks?  Avoiding still birth?  What about all of those?

My RE took my Secret Weapon of Hope and smashed it into a million pieces.

My sorrow doesn't revolve around the use of a donor egg.  I think I am there.  I just need to reset.  Learn how to change away from a feeling of hopelessness.

I am scared.  I know IVF.  I even learned IUI because my body was dragging through the cycles, spitting out all she could.  I know the rules, the players and the measurements to track success.

I don't know donor.  How do I know what to do?  Who to pick?  Where to pick?  Who to trust?  I don't even know the right questions to ask.