Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Shit Show that came looking for me

We are not pregnant.

I had a positive pregnancy test yesterday.  What.  I don't know.  I got up to pee in the middle of the night.  I figured the trigger shot was gone (14 days) and it had been 12 days since the IUI.  Why not just take a test and get the monkey off my back?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, there is a line.  I carry it around all day with me.  It was very, very faint.  In fact, if you looked at it from the side it showed up better.  It was there.  I know only you people will trust me when I say I know what a negative looks like and this was not one of them.

I took the test again this morning.  It was negative.  No hope of the line.  What.  I turn around and Aunt Flo, that miserable bitch, is staining my toilet.  She has done that to me twice now.

It is 4 am.  Rocco and I look at each other, there isn't much to say.  We eventually go back to sleep, but when I roll over God knows how much later, he is still awake with me.  We are alone in our bed with each other.

I go to work today.  They pay me if I show up and I have a $25k - $45k cycle to pay in the coming months.  I don't know how, but I don't cry.  I am late for work, so I hit the Starbuck's drive through to get a coffee.  Decaf, as I am stupidly ever hopeful.  This is my rebellion.  I haven't had decaf in a long time.  

Rocco takes me to lunch.  I want to talk about how to choose a donor but instead I obsess over the money we don't have to pay for the next cycle.  I feel worse after lunch.  Poor Rocco, I don't tell him this.

I get back to work.  Pandora, a spreadsheet, and I forget about things for a while.  I change into a new tampon.  Wow, that is a lot.  I get a real coffee even though it is 2pm.

I jump when someone says PSSST so loudly I hear it through Pandora.  I turn around and you won't believe who the fuck is in my face....

The pregnant fertile bitch from work.

She is actually holding her belly and says to me that she hasn't seen me around (you clueless fuck, I sit in the cube catty corner to yours - did you ever stop to wonder why).  She then says (with this voice), "Look at my bump.  I am getting so fat."

Welcome to Shit Show II.

Yeah, I cried.  I tried to listen to her.  I heard something about food makes her sick and goes right to her belly.  She asked what was wrong.  Was work getting to me?  A lot of deadlines?  Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?  You sure you're ok?

Get me the fuck out of here.  

I am home with my dogs.


  1. I'm so sorry Roccie, That blows, seriously blows! Hang in there.

  2. Roccie, my sweet friend, my heart is breaking for you. I know I can't say anything to make you feel better. I wish we can go out tonight and drink away our sorrow.

    And holy shit, how did you handle that pregnant asshole?

    Thinking of you.

  3. So, so, so unfair. I am so sorry. This is the worst and I can't imagine how excited you were about the positive only for things to change so quickly. I'm so incredibly sad that you're even having to deal with that. I know the loneliness that you're feeling and I hope it passes and you find a newfound hope in whichever direction you and Rocco decide to move in. I'm here for you, Friend and am so sorry. Sending lots of love.

  4. So I have poured you the fattest glass if whiskey and have a comfy spot for you to sit and cry with me. I know that aloneness and together feeling too well. Shit. I am so very sorry again. You need to just be rude to that bitch. Ask if she's having twins. Ask if acne is a pregnacy thing or just usual for her. Comment on the cankles...any or all of the above. She just needs to get the fuck away from you.


  5. Oh shit Roccie, that is purely fucked. Oh how I feel for you carrying that stick around with you, momentary grace before the shit that followed.

    How I pray for the sweet baby you deserve!

    And I am so sorry about that insensitive, thoughtless woman. Gah. If only life and nature was more discriminating we would not be having this conversation.

    Sending love across the globe. This baby is around you somewhere. Keep going, Roccie.

  6. Ah fuck.
    First off, I'm so sorry about the false hope and then the crash. God do i know how that feels. And the being alone in the bed together, we've done that many times through this process too. You just run out of things to say about it past "fuck this SUCKS".

    Secondly, and most importantly, KUDOS for not kicking the pregnant infertile in her perky face. I cannot even imagine. You know I would have just told her exactly why I was crying and throw in a few "fuck you and your perfect fertility and baby bump" for good measure.

    But I'm a little angry at the moment ;)

    Where's the justice in all this? What's the reason for so much suffering for some? Who knows.

    Thinking of you and mentally kicking the PF for you.

    ps sorry I said fuck so much.

  7. Bahaha I just read misfits comment! You MUST DO THIS. You must do it and tell us all about it :) It's mean, but I'm sure it would be cathartic!

  8. Clicked over here from LFCA, but I've seen you around (which sounds super sketchy...).

    Oh, honey, I am so, so sorry. A positive and then a negative, and *then* that bloody nonsense? There ought to be a law. And the pregface at work? Kick 'er in the teeth, I tell you. (((Hugs)))

  9. Oh Girlie, I am so very sorry. I must say that you need to Go with Misfit's suggestions. You could also ask her if she's going to use one of these -

    Or is she likes her new curves.

  10. Oh honey. I'm so so sorry.

    I have a pregnant girl asleep on my couch right now. Yeah. Nice.

    Much love to you. So much.

  11. Ugh, what an awful time! I'm sorry you had to put up with all that.

    I also think you ought to go with Misfit's suggestions. It would really help if you could manage to sound concerned about her wellbeing while commenting, too: "Oh hon, your cankles! It looks like someone stuffed pillows into your shoes! You need to go sit down and get the pressure off your poor swollen feet RIGHT NOW. No, no more talking. Just go sit. Can I get you a spare box to put your feet up on?" Then of course, you fetch the flimsiest box you can find and watch as her giant cankles demolish it. :)


  12. What an awful suckerpunch, Roccie. I am so sorry to hear this update. Thinking of you...

  13. Stopping by from LFCA. UGH, I'm so sorry for your cycle and then having to deal with the coworker from hell. Having been blindsided recently by a spontaneous-twin-conception-after-one-month-of-trying I can totally relate to how awful it feels--like a punch in the gut.

    Hang in there.

  14. I hate her for you.

    And I hate this for you.

    Thinking of you all and hoping for a better day today.

  15. - Here from LFCA -

    I'm so sorry.

  16. *hands you a full-on caffeinated cup of coffee*

    Everything about this sucks. Everything. So glad you are home to hug your doggies and later, your amazing husband. Wish I could give you a huge hug myself.

  17. Hey there girlie. I wish you didn't have to go through this. Dogs cure all ills...I believe this to be true. Hold those furry love balls and take care of yourself. Just got Aunt Flo myself this morning so allow me to join in on the hate fest for her...grrrr! Also, is it bad that I would like to drop kick that PFB coworker of yours? Anyhow, your check in's on my bloggie have brought smiles and that "not so alone" feeling over these past few weeks. Thank you so much. :)

  18. Oh...what an enormous heartbreak. Just ridiculously cruel. I can't think of words to tell you how sad this makes me, how sorry I am, but I'm thinking of you, and hoping your coworker goes on permanent bedrest STAT.

  19. Damn it. On every single count:( I'm so sorry, Roccie. Those demon HPT's. A similar thing once happened to me, and it nearly broke my heart. But it happened in a natural cycle and so under far less pressure. I'm more sorry about everything than I can say.

    And as for that fertile bitch, I'd like to come through this internet thingy, fly into your office and staple her to her desk.

  20. I'm sorry. The false positive is such a heartache upon heartache.

    And the PG colleague with her show and tell routine ... so unnecessary.

  21. You have got to be kidding me. What more is the universe going to hand you this week? I wish I could show up at your office and take you out for happy hour...I think we both need it, and good lord, that coworker of yours is beyond the pale. Hmm...if I started driving NOW, I could be in Chicago by 10 p.m.... :-)

  22. Oh, I'm so sorry what an incredibly awful day & that terrible woman...ugh I could not handle that! I would probably say something terribly blunt to her along the lines of at least you're pregnant and your baby didn't die (this happened to us) you terrible bitch, that would give her a little perspective about complaining & she would probably never talk to you again...both definitely good results! Thinking of you as you begin this process & sending love!

  23. Thanks for your great comments on my blog in the last couple of days-- I clicked over to read your blog, and am confronted with one of the saddest posts ever :(. I think fate is being incredibly cruel to you today, and I wish I could offer more comfort. Whiskey (as Misfits and others recommend) would be coming right up if I were you-- in fact getting semi-wasted was my main way of dealing with all my periods. Somehow it helps-- hit the reset. I don't yet know your history (I have yet to read your older posts), but it sounds like you are reaching the end of hope for your own eggs- and that is a sad thing too. I'll be catching up here, and hoping for your luck to turn around very soon.

    p.s. E (my husband) is the world's most clueless guy when it comes to crying-- that's why I'm so pleased he actually found another guy to talk to about it... not that I think he'll become less clueless overall, but it's a step forward (i.e., usually when I start to cry he asks me why I am 'mad'. Clearly he completely fails to understand the phenomenon of water coming out of the eyes...).

  24. ah fuck, roccie. fuck!

    same thing happened to me with the trigger back in may. it was doubly crushing since immediately upon seeing the 2 lines, i went to *that* place only to be totally dissappointed the following day with a negative. it was our 1st wedding anniversary to boot. i'm so fucking sorry.

    and your work colleague? she blows monkey balls. i wish there was some other force out there that would swoop in and take those bitches away from us when we're at our most vulnerable of places.

    i'm right here beside you sister, giving you a hug and crying with you. this sucks.


  25. Hey, how are you? Just coming over here to see how things are after that shit show. I'm worried about you and I hope you are doing OK this weekend.

  26. So sorry!! Hope you're now in a better place than last week.

  27. oh crap - so sorry to hear. thank you so much for your good wishes for us - I'm hoping the same for you too. xxxh