Didn't have it with Leah (formerly known as Toddlerina, then formerly known as Pre-Schooler-ista). Doesn't that make me immune?
I knew I was flagged at risk with Leah's pregnancy, but not sure I really saw the signs at the time. In hind sight, I probably did, but a story for another time. Had to get back on the mother fucking IF wagon in pursuit of Take Home Two. Figured it was all that hormone rodeo. Oh well, doesn't matter.
I was lucky with my depression in both cases. The time with Jay and Leah eclipsed my sadness. I did not have attachment issues, but never slept at night. I would lie in bed devising plans to escape the house should an attacker come in to steal my babies.
Crazy much?
Anxiety was my new thing. Never had this before. Suuuuuucks. Racingthoughtsrelivingeverymistakeyouevermadedammitwhydidthathappen.
Depression. Try losing all your friends from work (I had some whopper good ones). House bound. All of a sudden I need to learn to cook and I cannot afford my house cleaner. Lazy bitch that I am, have always had a cleaning service until when I really needed it. It is dark at 4 fucking thirty.
Work doesn't bat an eye at my leaving. (Only my one buddy out there knows how deep that one digs me.) Gotta sell the house we cannot afford. Cannot sell the house as no one will buy it. More layoffs at Rocco's work. My precious Leah is becoming wildly Jekyll/Hyde. My mother in law is dwelling in my basement like a monster. Fuuuuuuck.
Break down to take the anti-depressant once Jay is 4 months old. Holy cleared skies. I forgot this is how I was supposed to feel.
Anyhow, truth in advertising. I am a bit of a nutter, but we will try to wean off the new cocktail of meds in 6-9 months.
Worry not. This is how I feel now. My girl at peace, just like me.
Oh momma. You have been through a whirlwind, don't ever discount that. I can't speak for anyone else but I will worry, always, as you are my friend and that's what I do. I'm glad you're on the right path for you. I so wish we lived closer to be able to spend time and give you that interaction you lost from work. You're amazing, and strong, and I admire the way you see what you need and you just go effing get it.
ReplyDeleteMiss you.
Love always.
Well shit. Tough place to be. I remember (and am once again bracing for) the postpartum anxiety raging like a motherfucker, unexpected since PPD is what everyone watches for. The baby thief in the night thoughts. Yes. I remember that.
ReplyDeleteIt's trite but can be comforting: it will be okay. Somehow. It all will.
Hugs. If nothing gets done one day, well, it wasn't all that important anyway. Snuggle the little ones and call it a day. Salads and the crockpot are your buddies. Attach Swiffer pads to Jay's knees and tell Leah there's stickers in it for her if she wipes the counters. :)
ReplyDeleteI feel as though I am bound to get it this time. It could be because I know that I'm in such a different state than last time and I was really far from it though I was scared about it. This time I'm just going to out and ask for an rx after the section because I just know.
ReplyDeleteJust so you dont feel so crazy....I had a super over the top security system installed when we brought A home. I was sure that someone was going to get him in the night. I still awake to a glance at the video monitor thinking he's not there. So I get it.
I lost my work buds too. Now I have some book club buds but not the same quality at all. Plus I only see them once a month rather than 10 hours a day. If you feel like a road trip to WI we are always around and will probably be shut in's in about 8 weeks!
Hugs Roccie!! None of this crap is easy...hoping the meds give you the break you deserve along with a lucky break in your house. Sorry about your work friends not giving a crap when you left or what feels like. Ugh! Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteLove to you, Mama Roccie. And: peace. Glad the meds have helped. There is zero shame in it (or should be). This hamster wheel leaves scars.
ReplyDeleteThat photograph is beautiful. Jekyll/Hyde or not, that photograph is pure joy. Thank you for sharing it.
(Now, how can we pry the MIL from your basement?)
Oh, I hear you on the anxiety. Like, how am I even remembering some of that stuff that comes up? I'm glad the meds are doing what they're supposed to do. I know what that place is like -- and I'm so sorry you had to go back there.
ReplyDeleteThat you are feeling better is all I care about. The girls at peace is awesome enough to give me a smile this morning. Leaving work (and friends), downsizing home, and facing a toilet brush are all rotten things, together a funk cocktail (and not in the James Brown way).
ReplyDeleteYou let me know when you form the posse to rid your basement of monster. I supply pitchforks.
Doesn't every mama have a plan for when attackers come in the middle of the night? I have several.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things that surprised me when studying psych was that positive changes can be as stressful as negative changes. Humans just don't like change, and you've been through a ton of them lately. (On top of your older traumas.) Isolation, pressure, a monster lurking in your basement (OH MY WORD! WHY? HOW? HOW LONG? Where's a CO2 leak when you need one...)... really hard stuff. Anyway, you're sorting it out, just wanted to say that some sort of D, PP or otherwise, seems like a natural response to everything that's going on. Oh, and that L. is a pure ray of sunshiney joy and beauty.
Wow. This is so similar to the trajectory I've been on in this last year. Oof. Sending love and Zoloft-laced milkshakes. xo
ReplyDeleteYou have been through so much. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself! Your children are so adorable and precious.
ReplyDeleteI am asorry to hear about the depression. Sounds like you are getting it under control. Hang in there. Xo
ReplyDeletewhatever it takes, Roccie. I think the meds are a great idea if they help clear up the clouds and the anxiety. I'm sorry it's been so hard, darling woman. How could it not have been so hard, after everything piled up on top of the other. It's not so much about one being a nutter, as it is one coping with adversity. The cup of adversity runeth over sometimes, and it's all you can do to hang on. And you did that, and there has been some bruises and scratches and wounds. Now you will recover, and brighter days will come and stay.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are starting to feel better! I felt very isolated when I was home bound during my maternity leave. It sounds like you've had a buttload of changes going on, all very stressful! And seriously, the MIL is back? Sheesh! Your 2 kiddos are adorable, love seeing those happy faces!
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've been through some hell my friend. I am happy that your days are brighter now. There is no shame in having these issues and certainly no shame in dealing with them. I suffered ppd with Adam and, if blessed with Take Home No. 2, will watch it very closely. It sucks ass. I'm really happy you have peace and seem to be on the other side of it right now. Much love ... xoxo
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