I am not pregnant anymore.
I had one leftover test. I took it on Monday morning for kicks. Deep down, I had some concern at the rate the lines were darkening, but I had no idea what to expect. I have never tracked it. I pushed it off as typical useless worry.
Mostly I took this test for kicks.
Monday’s line was about half of what I saw on Sunday.
Today’s was negative.
I think this is likely due to a chromosomal abnormality. I don’t think it is a sign that all of my embryos have a problem. Right? I am my donor’s fifth cycle. Two cycles resulted in pregnancies from fresh and two cycles resulted in pregnancies from frozen.
Perhaps I should take some comfort in the fact that it implanted. I have seen my body carry a sucessful pregnancy. I know I have some good strengths, but right now it is a horrible let down.
All of a sudden, it all came rushing back. I feel like I have been telling everyone who struggles with the set backs “I get it”. I believe I did get it. I had some big setbacks myself with the miscarriage and the 2 cancelled retrievals. The transition to donor eggs was a more than a set back.
My pain is fresh again. I feel like I owe you all a deep apology. I really do get it, but it is worse than I remember.
It all comes back to me: yes, you know you will pick yourself up and try again. But fuck. I am tired. I feel like I get up a little slower.
I get that feeling I have been here before. Do I really have anything new to say?