Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I’m out

I am not pregnant anymore.

I had one leftover test.  I took it on Monday morning for kicks.  Deep down, I had some concern at the rate the lines were darkening, but I had no idea what to expect.  I have never tracked it.  I pushed it off as typical useless worry. 

Mostly I took this test for kicks.

Monday’s line was about half of what I saw on Sunday.

Today’s was negative.

I think this is likely due to a chromosomal abnormality.  I don’t think it is a sign that all of my embryos have a problem.  Right?  I am my donor’s fifth cycle.  Two cycles resulted in pregnancies from fresh and two cycles resulted in pregnancies from frozen.

Perhaps I should take some comfort in the fact that it implanted.   I have seen my body carry a sucessful pregnancy.  I know I have some good strengths, but right now it is a horrible let down.

All of a sudden, it all came rushing back.  I feel like I have been telling everyone who struggles with the set backs “I get it”.  I believe I did get it.  I had some big setbacks myself with the miscarriage and the 2 cancelled retrievals.  The transition to donor eggs was a more than a set back.

My pain is fresh again.  I feel like I owe you all a deep apology.  I really do get it, but it is worse than I remember.

It all comes back to me: yes, you know you will pick yourself up and try again.  But fuck.  I am tired.  I feel like I get up a little slower.

I get that feeling I have been here before.  Do I really have anything new to say?

41 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. Thinking of you.

    ((hugs))

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  2. Oh, Roccie...I wish you didn't have to get it. I wish none of us did. It's all so fucking unfair.
    Love,
    Maddy

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  3. Oh no, Roccie. I'm so sorry. This makes me angry. Because this should have been easy (though I know how stupid that sounds...how it just tempts the universe to fuck with us).

    I think it does sound chromosomal. You had an implantation and then it stopped implanting. Both you and your donor have proven track records and so I think it's a fluke, really and truly.

    Which doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell. I'm sorry.

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  4. I am so sorry. Sending you (((hugs)))

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  5. Oh, I am so so sorry. I hate that this happened, and that you have to go through this again. It's truly awful.

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  6. Shit. Roc, I am so sorry. I have been on pins and needles for you and to read this today...ugh. I am holding you in my heart and wish a thousand times over you didn't have to have "that" feeling right now. It plain sucks balls. No other way to put it. Thinking of you, my friend.

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  7. Oh, Roccie. My heart is aching for you.

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  8. oh Roccie, My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry. (((hugs)))

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  9. agh. fuck. i am so sorry roccie. what a drag. i wish there was something i could say to you to make you feel just a little bit better but i know all to well that there's not. i'm here for you girl, cheering for you in a big fat fucking way. i want this so bad for you! i wish i could come to your house and take you to the nearest bar and get you shitcanned. maybe that would help a little bit.

    thinking of you sweetie...

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  10. Oh honey. This hit me like a brick this morning. I'm so sorry. I wish I could come and bring you tea and hug you and let you cry on my shoulder.

    Much love and understanding my friend.
    xoxo

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  11. oh love, I'm sorry about this very disappointing news. It's really hard to face, like you said, and pick yourself up again. But remember that you don't have to pick yourself up right this second. It can wait until tomorrow or next week. You're allowed to just be sad for what wasn't fruitful.

    I am sending you hugs, dear woman. Take care of yourself and your sorrow.

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  12. What?!! I am just so sorry Roccie...like terribly sorry. To get a failure after a DE cycle...just unbelievable. I am sorry...so sorry.

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  13. Oh I am so so so so so sorry to see this post. I was so rooting for you. I wish I could do/say something to make it different.

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  14. OH FUCK, fuck, fuck. I was terrified that this might be happening when you didn't post yesterday, but am still so stunned, so I can't imagine what you're going through. On top of everything you've already been through. You made a sacrifice and it was NOT supposed to go down this way. I'm just sad, and sorry, and thinking of you.

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  15. this sucks big time roccie. i'm sooo sorry and i'm sending you big hugs, even though im' sure it doesn't help much. something definitely implanted there, so sounds chromosomal, but given your donor's track record, this HAS TO BE one big fat freaking fluke and just plain bad luck. the latter of which NONE of us deserve. i'm sorry i can't say anything to take away the pain for right now. big hugs :o) xoxo.

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  16. I'm sooo sorry for this suck ass result. Please know you are in my thoughts XOXOXOXO

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  17. Oh, Roccie, honey, I am so sorry. So, so sorry. I was so impressed and amazed with how quickly all this exciting stuff was moving for you! But this isn't about me; it's about you, and this sucks the big one. This shit is so effing wily and fragile and PAINFUL. I'm pissed off for you, woman. I want you to have whatever you want. I'm sending you a million hugs and a batch of virtual cookies until I can get home and bake you some real ones. Lovelovelove.

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  18. I'm so sorry to read this update. Bad luck, on top of everything else, sucks. *hugs*

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  19. Roccie, I am heartbroken for you. This is all to raw for now. Unfair, rotten, and fucking lame. Take time for what you need and my thoughts are with you.

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  20. Nooooo!!! Really, I didn't want you back on this side of the line. This side sucks - as you well know.

    I'm sorry, take your time getting up.

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  21. Oh, f. I am so sorry. What can I say that's of any value to you? Other than: I get it. And I, for one, would never have questioned whether you got it. Just because it's not raw doesn't mean it's not there.

    Take your time getting up. You'll get up again, that I am sure of. This IF thing IS old and tired and exhausting, but it is no match for you. Really. You'll find energy again. And yes, if it is a no-go it is absolutely a random event and no predictor of what's ahead. I am absolutely certain that good things are coming. It's just going to kick your ass a little bit before you reach them. But you can totally hack it.

    Huge hugs and a giant middle finger to IF on your behalf today. I'm truly sorry.

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  22. Fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

    I'm so sorry. And I know my presence right now is probably making things worse. I just wanted to let you know that you're in my heart and I am crying with you. (((hugs)))

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  23. UGH, NO NO NO! This just blows. No other words.

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  24. I'm terribly sorry. It's just not fair. Of COURSE you get it and you're right, you will get back up again, I just wish you didn't need to summon up all that strength to do it again. Will be thinking of you.

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  25. So sorry to read this. You're right...getting it never hurt so much.

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  26. Sorry is never enough but I am so incredibly sorry. I was so sad to read this post. This stuff is just so unfair. I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way, Joey. Hugs. ♥

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  27. Oh my dear friend...I'm so, so sorry. I wanted this so badly for you, life is so painful unfair at times! Take the time to feel what you need to feel in this moment and know we are all standing beside you in a virtual embrace (wish I could be there IRL to have a good strong drink with you)!
    And when you're ready stand tall as I know you will, so much love to you my amazing friend.

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  28. I'm so sorry you are in this place as well. Thinking of you and knowing how totally devastated, shocked and angry you must be feeling right now.

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  29. :( I'm sorry. Sorry doesn't cut it. But it's all I have. It sucks. It just sucks. :(

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  30. I am so very, very sorry.

    And yes, you do have new things to say. And we will all be here to read them when you do.

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  31. Oh Roccie I am so sorry. You deserve nothing but happiness and this is shit. Damn.

    shit.

    All my love. Wish I could do or say more.

    Thinking of you roccie.

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  32. Oh I am so sorry to read this. It is so heartbreaking to watch that line fade away, and watch your hopes fade away too.

    Wish things could have gone differently :(

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  33. I'm so sorry this happened to you. And of course you get it, have always gotten it. I wish you didn't have to. :-(

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  34. here from Bunny's blog. I am so so sorry to learn of your news. My heart is breaking for you. Thinking of you during this painful time.

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  35. Roccie...so very sorry to hear this update. Keeping you close in my thoughts and abiding this time with you. XXX

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  36. Just found your blog today. So sorry:(.

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  37. Oh Roccie. It sounds so cliche to say I'm sorry,and I've been sitting here trying to find some better words but I really am sorry and I just thought it would work out ok this time.
    And you are so right, when the pain comes flooding back it doesn't matter that you've been there before, it still feels just as raw and new and unfair and ridiculously hard to comprehend. It's a shitty place to have to be and even though you do have the hope of your proven donor (PROVEN Roccie, PROVEN), it's hard to grasp that hope when you are trying to wipe the shit out of your vision. I wish I could knock on your door with a bottle of vodka and mountains of chocolate.
    xxx Thinking of you.

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  38. Roccie, I read this yesterday and just couldn't begin to know what to say even though I SHOULD. What does one say that doesn't seem empty? I am so so sorry for your loss.

    You've been pregnant before and carried to term and the donor has a good track record, so it makes sense to me that the issue was embryo quality.

    I know that the earth just fell out from under you and that recovery will take a while. I'll be here as you work through this disappointment. Seriously, WTF.

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  39. This so sucks Roccie. It has got to be hard to see a BFP, have your heart do excited flip-flops across the universe, and then have the carpet pulled out from underneath you.

    Yeah, I can see the pain being worse with donor egg because you think that you're working around the chromosomal issues and it gives you added hope. I am so sorry sweetie.

    Huge hugs to you,
    Linda

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