The Fertilization Report

All day I was waiting for the fertilization report.  I carried my phone around the halls.  Took it to all my meetings.  I looked at it, willing it to ring.  I couldn't concentrate on anything today.

I didn't have any information, so I did what any normal person would do, I ran the data to project my outcome based on my donor's past four cycles.

		Mature	Fertilize
Projected		23	18
Actual		18	15

We have 15 fertilized eggs.  It is an incredible opportunity to very likely have a baby.

 

I don't know how to explain it.  I cried at my dear acupuncturist's today.  I was stressed and I was scared.  Look at the variance.

Seeing the numbers below my projection (a simple calculation on averages, not weighted by the cycle number) freaked me out.

• What if this represents an issue?
• Why did she trigger on day 9, not day 10?
• Did my RE see a problem and try to cut it off with an early retrieval?
• Does this represent a quality issue?

And on and on and on.

Leave it to my acupuncturist to save the day.  She presented it to me this way: I am not in control.  My inner self doesn't like this and is trying to gain control by making targets, setting budgets while stuffing all the numbers into little boxes.

She invited me to stop trying to control this process receive everything as it happens.

It clicked.  I feel really good now.  

Please don't spend any effort trying to comfort me - I just freaked out and wanted to share.  It might help someone to see how I first experienced it and how the change in perspective helped me.

I probably sound like an ungrateful son of a bitch.  I was for a moment when I let myself lose focus.  What a great lesson to learn.

I love my therapist, I mean acupuncturist.

Peace, love and follicles,

Roccie

FOR THE DIE HARDS:

The original is actually quite pretty in Excel: formatting, graphs, oohs and ahhs for a nerd like me.  I will send it out to whoever wants to spend time analyzing the daylights out of things she cannot control.

My acupuncturist points out the ratio that counts, M:F or Mature to Fertilize, is right on.

Cycle	Retrieve	Mature	R:M	Fertilize	M:F	R:F
1	23	18	78.3%	16	88.9%	69.6%
2	33	29	87.9%	18	62.1%	54.5%
3	22	20	90.9%	18	90.0%	81.8%
4	33	22	66.7%	21	95.5%	63.6%
Average	27.8	22.3	80.9%	18.25	84.1%	67.4%
Projected		22.7		18.3
Actual	28	18	64.3%	15	83.3%	53.6%
Min	22	18	66.7%	16	61.2%	72.7%
Max	33	29	90.9%	21	95.5%	63.6%
Median	28	21	75.0%	18	85.7%	64.3%
Variance
to Average	0.3	-4.3	-16.6%	-3.3	-0.8%	-13.8%
to Min	6.0	0.0	-2.4%	-1.0	22.1%	-19.2%
to Max	-5.0	-11.0	-26.6%	-6.0	-12.2%	-10.1%
to Median	0	-3	-10.7%	-3	-2.4%	-10.7%