Donation anxiety

Not the bad kind, but just so wrapped up with this process I want it to have happened yesterday.

Mostly.

It kind of hit me a couple days ago that my son or daughter will be born elsewhere. Outside my arms.  It was not a fun day.  Today is another one.

I wanted to call the whole thing off.  Maybe I can have 8 more kids, or at least 8 more tries.  There is beauty and pride in poverty.  And mania.

Maybe I lied this wasn't the bad kind of anxiety.  Anxiety cannot be a good kind.  Here come the tears.  The snow helps.  I heard a beautiful sermon once about how snow is God's reminder of fresh starts with him.  I guess this storm is for me and my tears today.

I just really don't have anyone to talk to about it.  It is so fucking heavy it blows people's minds and renders them speechless.

I want these babies for my own.  There I said it.  It hurts so bad.

Letter to my donor

I never sent anything out to my donor.

I became so paralyzed with fear and emotion, my letter sat unsent.  I carried it with me for months, thinking I would finish it.  I never did.

I was afraid to say the wrong thing.  I was afraid the donor might be like me, so critical, no matter what I said, it would be wrong.

Now I am at a point where I feel I have to reach out to her.  I need to tell her about the embryo donation.

How's that for a big cold shock to her when she finally opens a letter from me?

My recipient family will want to have the same access to her that we have - the ability to contact her when Jay is 18.  But it won't be contractual, just a momma to momma agreement.  

I think the donor will want to know about the additional children since she asked that her children be able to reach mine once 18 as well.

I am scared to write this letter.  I don't know how to say it or what to say about my abominable absence during her whole egg retrieval. 

I am also ashamed to come clean with my recipient family.  This momma is so open and proud of this whole process - she is so far advanced compared to me.

The process is moving along well.  We have a serious time deadline to meet but it should be possible.  I am the only thing that seems to be screwing it up.

We have a winner

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

I just love this family.

They have a four year old daughter.  I watched her climb all over her parents, dance, ask questions and generally be a sweetly disruptive four as we parents were all having a heart attack Skype session.

It was the most telling thing, over any email or phone conversation we could ever have.  I watched this momma laugh it off and handle it with ease.  I even got the camera turned around so we could see the full dance performance.

You know that saying, "I don't care who you are, when a 2 year old hands you a banana, you answer it"?  It was the mothers' rule that All Shall Celebrate When A Child Dances.  I loved her for it.  "Her" could be the momma or the dancing daughter.  Take your pick.

Virtual meeting

Any assvice for a fool like me?

We are planning our Skype session this week with our prospective family.

Dos?  Donts?

How do I keep my focus on what is important.  How do I process anything that is very likely irrelevant but gets my wheels turning in a negative direction.  

I am so fucking critical.  How can I protect this family from my own personal character flaw?

I am so scared.  

If you ever take the time to comment, I could really use it now.  Please.

High chair pain

Since when are my dogs too good to eat vegetables off the floor?

On line dating your recipient family

You know when it is right.  You know when someone takes words out of your head that you didn't know were there.  The exact words you want to hear but you don't know until you let them wash over you.

Even if I had a million requests for our embryos (we didn't), this family would be the right one for us.  I feel like I have found a friend I would have missed otherwise.

How does all this stuff fall together?  How is it that life can rip out your lungs and then make the sun shine on you from the inside?  Heavy shit and I wish I knew how to explain it.

I thought I wanted a more hands off relationship with my "recipient family".  But now, as they grow to become an extension of my own family, I cannot picture it any other way.

We will have an open relationship, but I will be able to manage the faucet that feeds me what I will always consider My Children.  I can soak in it or I can sip from it.  Some days will call for different actions, I can tell already.

How can I not look at them as My Children.  They are not mine by fate, by God's will, whatever.  I don't really get either one of those things.  But it could be that little face sitting at my table making the sign for more more more peaches.

Skype date next wk.  Shame I won't have my roots done, but I think they'll be fine with it.

Latest theme track to my life

I know Ben Howard is old news, but new to me.

I love this tune.  The female bassist is just icing.

Happy to have you home.

I know a certain runner that needs to put this on her ipod to keep her company in the upcoming weeks.  I get goose bumps just thinking about it.  This is for you K.