Welcome to my shit show

So, I cry at work.  Poor bastards.  I try to listen to what they are saying and focus on whatever trivial bullshit they want from me.  But I start to cry.  And they hate it, I hate it, we all get uncomfortable together.  I did it twice last week and a couple times this week.

This is my shit show.

I am getting a little under it all.  I fucked up my meds this week.  Don't ask me how, but I confused endometrin with estrace for 3 days and this will haunt me.  Should this not result in a BFP, I will have this monster in my head.  TMI.  Sorry, but this post is all about my shit show.

I get a lot of heat from my family when I talk like this.  "You have a beautiful daughter", "Don't let this ruin everything", and my favorite, "Other things that make me feel bad for not being happy".  I get it.  Doesn't mean I can do it, but I understand.

I can get past it all when I am with the little one.  She is a powerful creature.  I watch her find joy in picking dog hair off her hands.  Everything makes her happy.

I lose my way at work.  I am there to pay the RE bills, the pharmacy, the acupuncturist and the witch doctor at the health food store.  What a catch - don't stress, go deep into debt and oh, by the way, no crazy meds for you.

I try not to talk baby as I know we share many losses.  I hope you will indulge me during my shit show.  We can get there.  We just don't know how it all works.  We will only believe it when it happens.  I know it will happen for us.

Tie a knot and hang on.

I feel like that kitten swinging on a rope.  The poster very likely hung from my bedroom wall back when I was young (and more fertile).

The IVF retrieval was canceled due to poor response.  We were not advised to consider the option to retrieve the single egg.  My progesterone was on the rise and waiting on the other egg wasn't going to work.

I was sort of lying to myself when I said this was the last IVF before donor.  I always knew I had the option to fall back on DHEA.  The cancer link scared me, but I knew deep down it must not match the hype or my RE wouldn't offer it.  It was like a safety net.  One last Last Chance should this cycle not turn out.

Rocco and I were on the phone with the RE when she called it.  We had a mini WTF appointment.  We talked about what would change for the next round: back to microdose Lupron; the DHEA and a handful of other meds; 2-3 months to let the supplements (Royal Jelly, CoQ10, Melatonin, etc.) kick in.  

My RE talked me down off my worries on DHEA.  She explained the DHEA was only taken for 5 days and the studies linked to cancer were for over 3-4 years of continuous use.  We were building a plan.  I was smiling and pulling my calendar, already doing to date math for a due date.  God help me.

The tide started to change on me.  I wasn't getting the whole story.  I sensed trouble.  I asked if she thought I had diminished ovarian reserve. I didn't think so, I had some bad ass FSH.  "Oh, it is definitely DOR."  She said something about getting closer to donor eggs.  

Gulp.  What.  The rest is a blur. 

My RE was referring me to CCRM, the Mayo of the Fertically Challenged.  The Large Fertility Operation had nothing else to offer me.  A fresh set of eyes and a second opinion was the best recommendation she could give me.

I don't understand.  We just sketched out the next cycle, didn't we?  Didn't we?  I pressed my RE for her thoughts.  I have come to trust her and like her very much.  I make the conversation sound horrible (it was), but she was very kind in delivering the message.

"I would only be guessing.  But if I had to give you a percentage of success, there is about a 10% chance you would make it to retrieval."

All that time, energy and money.  For a 10% chance to make it to retrieval.

A 10% chance to make it to see if we succeed with a 17% chance to get pregnant.

What about all the other hurdles?  POAS?  Beta 1, beta 2, beta 3?  The heartbeat?  The level II ultrasound?  Viability at 3x weeks?  Avoiding still birth?  What about all of those?

My RE took my Secret Weapon of Hope and smashed it into a million pieces.

My sorrow doesn't revolve around the use of a donor egg.  I think I am there.  I just need to reset.  Learn how to change away from a feeling of hopelessness.

I am scared.  I know IVF.  I even learned IUI because my body was dragging through the cycles, spitting out all she could.  I know the rules, the players and the measurements to track success.

I don't know donor.  How do I know what to do?  Who to pick?  Where to pick?  Who to trust?  I don't even know the right questions to ask.

Rollercoaster shitballs

Ah, fuck, we talked about IUI at the office today.

We also enjoy MFI so IUI is a waste of time, energy and money I just don't fucking have anymore.

Mother father.

Friday 06-Aug, day 5

• Left 9, 8, 8 , 7
• Right 6, 5
• Not measured    7-8

Monday 09-Aug, day 8

• Left 11, 11, 6, 5, 4
• Right 10, 7, 7
• Not measured 6-8 

Based on 2mm growth per day, this gets me 3 by Saturday.  The rest are useless, I guess.  They are on a different schedule.  Maybe this is the risk with no BCP and no Lupron?  Mother father.

The nurse reminded me the RE wants a minimum of 3 for retrieval.  They want a 20 for retrieval.  I saw over at Lisa's house her RE will do a 14.  (Thank you, thank you for posting that today and congratulations.  Can you please come to my house and rub yourself all over my abdomen for good luck?)

Obviously, I panicked a bit.  Nurse back tracked a little and said things look much better than last time, but it didn’t go over very well.  I don’t know if she was just careless or has presented a real threat to our success.  My sister had a great point.  We may have three eggs this time which is 50% more than the amount last time.  High percentages are easy when your numbers suck ass like mine.

I am waiting for the call from RE today.  Sounds like meds will go up and retrieval on Monday, if we make it.  I am back in the office on Wednesday.

ps - I don’t know why some would actually reduce in size, see the left side.

pps - I am totally and completely full of shit for anything I have said about being ready for donor eggs.

First IVF baby becomes a mother

Did she really need to say her own conception was normal?

I could have picked a million better words than normal.

A follicle inventory and Tidbit follow up

Things are looking good. We have two follicles measuring at a 5, three measuring at 7 and an 8. An additional nine are small and not measurable at this point, but are expected to step up and deliver. That is a total of 15, my highest number in all four cycles.

A little concerned that the growth might be a little slow. They expect 2mm growth per day. They may jack up my meds. Considering I am 450 F.ollistim and 150 M.enopur already, this is impressive. We are going balls out for eggs. Back to the office on Monday.

A couple follow ups on my Tidbits. I was asked some valid questions I couldn't answer. I asked about it again yesterday at my acupuncture session.

I know I won't do it justice. I get so caught up in my acupuncturist's stories, I let it wash over me and forget to take notes. She weaves these great trips of health, communication and peace - all the while talking about farm stands, go figure.

I confirmed the eat local was a big benefit in her opinion to fertility treatments. She told me the local foods had a stronger life force (italics mine) in them.

I don't know exactly what life force means but it sure sounds like it needs to have a special font.  She talked about energy and connection to the earth. It was riveting.

My acupuncturist referenced a book by Barbara Kingsolver, who happens to be one of my favorite authors. (It was published during The Dark Ages, so I totally missed it.) This book captures the benefits of eating local.

I was in some pain a couple days ago. I was sure I could feel my ovary. How awkward. Turns out, er, I had some sluggish bowels. The descending colon passes on your left and gets a little crowded from all the follicles. A little something to file away so you don't worry as I did.

Poop, ladies, remember to poop.

All stims, no antagonist - like riding a motorcycle without a helmet

I love it.

If you are calling about that $5570.18 I owe you, then I will have to pay you back later as that check went to my friends at Freedom Pharmacy.  (What a stupid name for a fertility pharmacy.  "Free" is the last word I would choose for my subliminal positive association.  Free, my ass.)

We are a go.  No AF and RE doest care to wait around for her.  The meds are here and I am shooting.  Looks like we have 12 follicles total.  This is a bitchin' number for me.  5 we can measure and 7 waiting in the wings.  One is a big mofo, but no one talked about it sucking the life out of the others.

I am giddy and know exactly where my ovaries are inside my body.  This cycle is pretty intense now that I think about it.  There is very little suppression.  I had 3 shots of Ganirelix, but that was over a week ago.

No BCP, no Lupron.  Just stims.

I am not very comfortable, but I feel like a hen house filled with eggs.  I hope to all hell this isn't a bad sign.  I mean, I know precisely where my left ovary is situated.  So weird.

PS - Marry who you love.  Nice one, CA.

Estrogen nonsense

I am wrapping up the estrogen priming phase of My Last Cycle with My Eggs.

I head into the RE tomorrow to see where the hell AF got lost.  She should have been here by now.  Probably not an issue, but it is an opportunity to drop $350 for unplanned additional vag cam work.

I have been wearing an estrogen patch for 11 days straight.  It looks nasty, but that thing is fused to me like second skin.  I always used to fret about my patches, worried the water would leak in them and render them less powerful.  I was careful to time the *new* patches right after a shower where I needed extra time (shaving, shampoo/condition, more shaving for the u/s tech).

Pointless worry.  This thing isn't coming off the remainder of this calendar year.

Probably no one else worried about them but me, but just in case, a word to the worried:  Estrogen patches are the new IVF tattoo.  They might get a little ragged around the edges, but they aren't going anywhere until you intervene.

We went to Oak Park today to check out Frank Lloyd Wright homes.  I didn't get to tour the house as I was on baby duty.  I asked Mr. Rocco what the deal was with all the pelicans on the outside of one of them.

They weren't pelicans.  They were fertility symbols.  Storks.

Holy cow.