Beta day 3 with p4 on the decline

hCG increased from 1169 to 2624.

Progesterone dropped from 25 to 18.6.

We are increasing the PIO injections from 1cc to 1.5.  Back in the office on Friday for another check.

Nervous.  Really nervous.  

Regretting all the times I thought how much I wanted to trade places with women fretting over beta numbers.  They seemed to lose sight of the big picture.  Man alive, I hope I was not an insensitive ACEhole to them.

For the record, big picture is long gone.  Statistics mean nothing and promises are made to no one.  I have been that one in 1,000,000 in the past.  It does not give me a free ride.

It does not feel safe here.

Beta Day 2: results are in for me to google all afternoon

I snapped at a coworker today and it felt great.  Don't you know you are severely lacking social skills and it is Beta Day?  Fool.

17dpo

		hCG	p4
Beta 1	Friday	288	34.3
Beta 2	Monday	1169	25

The good doctor is pleased with the results.  

I had my nurse on the phone, so  I did not get the level of analysis I crave.  She won't speculate the way I like to - over and over.  Probably means she is good at her job.

We easily cleared the target hCG increases, but I don't know much about progesterone.

Where is Lisa when you need her??  Paging Dr. Adele!  Paging Dr. Misfit!

You know who I am afraid will chime in?  Dr. TwinMomma Kim of Chaos and Dr. Twin Stacie. 

Ha!  I should be so lucky.

My hard earned so-called slam dunk

Ok, here we go.  We are pregnant.

Stats at 4w0d or 14dpo or 10dp5dt:

• hcg 288
• progesterone 34.3

My darling RE told me my numbers are so solid, she would have me on twin watch if we had transferred two.

I started to ask some questions around how the numbers compared to my miscarriage.  She gently cut me off and told me they are nowhere near comparable events.  I thought she meant that much-hated line of 'every pregnancy is different', but she credited the DE.  

I have a lot of stats in my back pocket to make me feel safer with this pregnancy.  I cannot even remember when DE made me feel so much pain... ok, maybe I can, but it seems so crazy insignificant at this moment.  This pregnancy is ours.

What.

Who typed that. 

My pregnancy?

Still sinking in and I am still guarded.  Old habits die hard.

For the record - this time I had no twinge of implantation.  No implantation blood.  I don't feel like throwing up.  My boobs don't hurt, but I did look a little whorey in a low cut shirt yesterday.  They are on the rise.

I had both twinge and blood (well, at least in my head) with Toddlerina.  Shame to miss out on such a monumental moment, huh?


We all have a friends still in the running.  I really feel the sting of not having them sitting on the other side with me, for whatever amount of time.  I feel a heavy side to all of my relief today.

Update from the lab in my bathroom

Testing continues.  I have now incorporated a second brand, blue lines, to enhance my interpretation of the original subject, pink lines.

I think this looks so different than last cycle.  I sort of question my grip on reality when I look at those images from last time.  That is how badly I wanted it to work.

The lines are not as dark as I hoped to see, but they are getting darker.

The wait time is different too.  This time the line was there almost immediately on the pink.  The blue one is my thrill seeker test.  Yesterday it showed a line in the opposite direction before giving me the much-loved vertical stripe.  This morning, the Blue Thriller ripped right into the line I was wanting to see.

Long road to go.  Funny how easily people forget.  Even family didn't recall the details that I had 3 decent betas before it all started to fall apart.  And it isn't like they are not paying attention.  Everyone wants a happy ending.

Best wishes to anyone else who needs to concentrate on breathing out there.

I humbly request my name be added to The Board

I would like to propose myself back in the running.

Here is where we stand six days past a 5th day transfer:

Beta is Friday.  Some might remember how things turned out last time.  All I can do is wait.  Pray.  Carry around my crystals.  It can change tomorrow or it can change at 24 weeks.  Life is not a box of chocolates unless some of them are pumped full of nuclear waste.

Note: M = male.  Rocco is not pregnant, but serves as an excellent confirmation as to what a negative looks like as compared to my very, very light line.

All my love to the sisters close to me in the running.  Let's try to be strong together.  I offer a deep and different love to my sisters not in the race at this time.  Your losses sit deep in my heart and I share them with you.

I have been on my knees this time around and your individual names were on my mind.  They always are.

How to manage POAS for the weak. Me.

I have learned my self control to be lacking.  I have poor planning skills and a tendency to change course mid stream.  I would never call myself spontaneous, but The Freak gets on me and in me.... and I change.

I want to document this so I can pull it up for reference when my ability to think clearly will be long, long gone.

POAS Calendar of Events, Spring 2011

1. Sunday, 5dp5dt:  Baseline POAS.
   Expectations:  No result.
   Hope:  Clean as snow.
   Fear:  Evaporation line that does my head in.
   Strategy to counter fear:  Rocco takes urine test that morning too.
   
   
2. Monday, 6dp5dt:  Hopeful POAS.
   Expectations:  No result.
   Hope:  Something I carry room to room to analyze in various lights.
   Fear:  More clean snow.
   Strategy to counter fear:  Remember RE told me to wait until day 8.
   
   
3. Tuesday, 7dp5dt:  Sweaty-palmed POAS.
   Expectations:  The beginning of The Beginning or the beginning of The End.
   Hope:  Carry it around in my handbag all day to admire it.
   Fear:  More fucking snow.
   Strategy to counter fear:  None available at this time.
   
   
4. Wednesday, 8dp5dt:  The Real Deal POAS.
   Expectations:  Determine if I need a day off on Beta Day, Friday.
   Hope:  A line so dark I can see it in any light, any room, any time.
   Fear:  Sobbing that I am out of valium.
   Strategy to counter fear:  Break into RE office to demand Beta.
   
   
5. Thursday, 9dp5dt:  Poop or Get Off the Pot POAS.
   Expectations:  Affirmation of Wednesday.
   Hope:  Even my mother won't doubt the line.
   Fear:  Hear tone in my mother's voice trying to manage my expectations for Beta.
   Strategy to counter fear:  Break into RE office to get more valium.

Be strong my sisters.  They tell me this pain is worth it in the end.

Please come to the POAS debate. Please?

Pineapple.  It is starting to taste as bad as that Royal Jelly did.  Not quite, but pretty darn close.

We transferred one, a donor 4BB that was hatching.  I can't really tell you what this means, but I can tell you that Toddlerina was a graded lower plus the two we transferred were my senior eggs: 3BB or a 2AB.  The donor fresh cycle was a 4AB.  No BFP.  Can't you see the logic?  Rar.

I feel different this time.  I am not as stressed.  I think the fresh cycle was a long road - accept you need donor, find agency, find a donor, filter feedback on donors from well meaning family members, secure donor (remember my first donor was rejected).

Freak out through the entire process.  Out of body experience.

The long and treacherous road from retrieval to fertilization.  Law help me, freak out.

This time I had a lot less balling me up.  The cyst was a mofo, but it really gave me some time to sort my head and heart out.

You are going to think me MAD when I ask this, but lets talk POAS.  I will do it.  There is no stopping me.

1. What day is the first day I can POAS?
2. If you tell me Day 6, does transfer day count as Day 1 or is it the day after?
3. Should I spare everyone from the day by day account of my testing?  I read blogs where people just show up pregnant and I am in awe of the self control they possess.

We need a library of POAS categorized by brand and day past transfer.  I tell you, I look back at my "positives" now and I think I was delusional.  Yeah, the line is better in person, but really.  Get a grip.  Might as well believe in Big Foot.

Please advise on your POAS.  If you are a non POAS please tell me your favorite thing about waiting for The Call.