Monday, September 6, 2010

Hi, I am Roccie and I am a hope addict.

I hate the word addict.  It should be used with caution. I don't mean to use the word without respect to anyone who struggles with addiction.  To me it represents something that happens when you know there are deep costs associated with it.  You do something despite wanting to do the opposite.

I am addicted to hope.  I can't help it.  We have our remote phone consult with CCRM on Wednesday.  My RE came through and got us jumped up on the schedule by several weeks.  Who ARE these CCRM people: that patients will wait for months and pay tens of thousands of dollars (on top of the usual tens of thousands of dollars) extra to see them?

Part of me wants to hear this miraculous new plan - how I can have another baby with my own eggs.  A very small part of me.  The addict takes up a lot of room.

Selfish me?  I am ready for donor eggs.  To tell you the truth, I don't want to cycle again with my own eggs.  There I said it.

But what about a concern that lingers in the back of my mind... Could this new baby feel different about the issue than I do?  What if s/he feels disconnected with me because of donor eggs?  Different somehow.  God knows I won't feel a thing different, but what if s/he sees her/his relationship with me different than the daughter I have by my own (now crap) eggs?

But what if CCRM makes the case that my eggs are an option?  Wouldn't I be a selfish monster not to consider it?

(Side rant:  Remember when Dior came out with a line of perfume called Addict?  I let go on the poor brainless twit pushing it at Nordstrom.  Look at the tag line.  "Admit it", as in one of the 12 steps to recovery.  I won't even get started on the Gucci Rush perfume, where poppies were pictured in the back ground.  Grrr.)

15 comments:

  1. I hear you on the hope thing...I wrote a few months back about becoming hope's B*tch. It's so hard to not at times, but I'm done with her, as much as I want to completely give in to hope I can't anymore. I'll allow her pieces of my life, but will guard against her totally taking over until we have a live, healthy baby in our arms, my heart just can't take it again.
    Can't wait to hear how things go during your phone consult this week...hope you get some answers and have a clearer plan afterwards.

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  2. There's nothing wrong with having some hope. Seriously. It's what gets us all through this craptastic world of IF. Nothing wrong with it at all. I had hope through all my cycles and still (kind of) have hope that one day I'll have a behbeh in my uterus. It's just a different kind of hope than it was in the beginning of this whole crazy f'ed up journey. And as far as CCRM goes, I'm sure they'll be straight up with you, but I also know they're also some sort of miracle workers with IVF's, so go with what your sweet lil' heart is telling you to do. Not an easy choice either way, Friend. Keep on hopin'! ♥

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  3. Only hope gets us through. If we let disappointment rule we all would have quit long ago. So I offer you a big "HI ROCCIE" at the HA meeting. I'm now pregnant by donor egg/IVF and I've given a lot of thought to what you wrote. I know I almost forget sometimes that it isn't mine. As for what it will feel when it gets older...I'm hoping "genetics" of the heart will connect us more strongling than blood genetics ever could. We're going to have kickass families, Roccie, and how we all came to be together doesn't really matter.

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  4. Don't get too worked up about the phone consult, they probably won't tell you anything definite because you will need to go out there and do a one day workup where you have every test under the sun and once the results come in, they tell you their thoughts. You probably should also think of a percentage that you would be ok with trying with your own eggs. I tried with 40% and failed. I hope this helps and good luck with the consult.

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  5. Good luck! It's pretty hard not to be a hope addict! I hear CCRM are miracle workers, so why not get your hopes up.

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  6. I have rays of hope but like Rebecca says I won't fully let my guard down until we have a live, healthy, baby that belongs to us in our arms. I don't care how we get the baby - donor eggs, embryo adoption, adoption, but I just want that baby. I will admit that each and every weekday I have a small glimmer of hope that this will be the day our agency calls us once again with a match. It is the only thing that gets me through each day. Good luck with your consult. I'm curious to hear what they say as I have considered contacting them. Have a good week.

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  7. HI ROCCIE. Hope is better than no hope, as painful as hope is. I like what ASP says about going with your heart. Once the info is in, that's all you can really do. Who knows, maybe selfish you (not that your thinking sounds at all selfish to me!) might win out.

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  8. I am also addicted to hope, so I totally understand! Good luck with CCRM!!

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  9. First of all, Roc, you are killing me with the perfumes. I keep on seeing that commercial for Chanel's "Egoïste" with all those crazy women popping out of shuttered windows screaming "EGOIIISTE!!". Thank you for that Tuesday laugh. Seriously, though, don't be so hard on yourself about the donor egg. Your instincts tell you what you are ready for. No matter how you get your peanut, you will look at it and it at you...and it will be right. No question about it. I hope that CCRM has the answers for you. Meanwhile, I will picture you singing, like Nellie from the musical "South Pacific": "...but I'm stuck with a thing called hope and I caaaaan't get it ouuuuut of my heart! Not thiiiiis heart!" :)

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  10. Hope can be a cruel mistress. I find I'm more of the binge and purge kind. :)

    I have fingers doubly crossed for CCRM and that you won't need hope because all the luck you are due will come in a flood.

    You had me snickering over Addict at work. Too funny!

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  11. I am right there with you at the hope meeting. All of the things you wonder about with donor eggs, they're things I wonder, too. It's just so difficult. How to explain it all, one day? I start to hyperventilate when I even think about it. But I think any kid lucky enough to be raised by Roccie will be going out into life strong and well-equipped. I know that's vague and probably unhelpful. It doesn't honor the complexity of what donor eggs mean. But I think so much is there in what you've said: you wouldn't feel any different. And you'd make him/her understand that. You would.

    Fingers crossed for your consultation. Fingers crossed that the whole thing becomes moot.

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  12. It's a tough call. No, I don't think that the kid will care that you used donor eggs. But it is hard to really know... as Adele said, it does complicate things just ever so slightly. The important thing is that you get to have this child-- however it comes to be. I'm hoping for solid, sound advice from CCRM.

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  13. At any rate, you would have a different relationship with a second child than with the first. This is true of me and my siblings with my parents, this is true in all the families I see around me.
    You wouldn't know if certain differences are due to DE or not.

    I can't see why it would be selfish to decline trying again with your own eggs.
    No child asks to be born, no matter what the circumstances. It's the same for everyone.

    Hope, can't do without, but it's difficult to live with.

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  14. Hey Rocci, I second what R says too. You'll need to go down for your one day work up. That's how they can give you your absolute best estimate. Actually I met Dr. G on Friday as Dr. S was out of the office. He was super nice, very friendly and seemed quite positive. I think you'll like him. Good luck. I hope you won't be "hope's bitch" for too long (love that one rebecca)! Oh and you're feelings about DE...TOTALLY NORMAL!!! They ebb and flow when they please.

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  15. You know I'm dying to know what they said. And then I will be making that phone call, too. Hope is good. I hope.

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