Roccie Road: One.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

One.

Someday drawing you different, may I be weaved in your hair.

My guy is going to be one this wk.

What.

If you had any idea how often I think about everyone still in the battle, anyone who recently lost a battle, anyone currently winning the battle, won the battle, managing the life after the battle, well, you would feel pretty loved.

Those with the special hard losses, you get it all over again.

I want this same peace, joy and exhaustion for all of you.

Love,
Roccie

17 comments:

AnonymousNovember 25, 2012 at 8:26 AM
Happy happy 1 year. I wish very much that time would slow down a bit. I can't believe he is one already.
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gwinneNovember 25, 2012 at 9:48 AM
Amen.

Happy birthday, Jay!
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My VegasNovember 25, 2012 at 10:43 AM
baby boy! So cute! Happy birthday!
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MichaelaNovember 25, 2012 at 11:23 AM
Happy first birthday little one! And thank you for all your loving thoughts!
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RebeccaNovember 25, 2012 at 11:53 AM
Happy Birthday
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R.November 25, 2012 at 12:32 PM
Happy birthday! He is so cute. ;)
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"Jay"November 25, 2012 at 2:18 PM
Happy birthday Jay! You are one good lookin 1 year old!
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sarahNovember 25, 2012 at 9:41 PM
He's simply gorgeous. I can barely believe how fast time is moving.
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StacieNovember 25, 2012 at 11:00 PM
How can he be 1?!? Seems like yesterday...I'm sure you can relate to that thought, too.

You've got yourself a handsome little guy there!

Happy Birthday!
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AnonymousNovember 25, 2012 at 11:26 PM
Happy first birthday Baby Jay!

(Roccie, you are KILLING me with the CUTENESS!)
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AnonymousNovember 26, 2012 at 3:06 AM
The time has seemed to slip so fast now that every day isn't a struggle. How can he be 1 already? Happy birthday!
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CWritesNovember 26, 2012 at 6:23 AM
Happy 1st Birthday to you and baby Jay!
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AugustaNovember 26, 2012 at 9:53 AM
You have the biggest, most loving heart, Roccie. Thank you for holding every woman in this comunity inside this big heart of yours.
Happy Birthday, cutie! Can't believe it's already been 1 year!
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GurleeNovember 26, 2012 at 12:08 PM
LOVE!!

Happy birthday, baby.

xo
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AnonymousNovember 26, 2012 at 1:30 PM
I can't believe he's almost one. Happy Birthday little man. I can only hope one day you understand a fraction of just how much you are wanted and loved.
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LisaNovember 27, 2012 at 5:55 AM
Happy Birthday Beautiful Jay. Much love to my main girl Roccie too... Neither of us are posting as much these days - I'm missin you! xoxo
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bunnyNovember 28, 2012 at 12:50 PM
He's so exquisite. I'm so glad he's in this world.
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Well, how did I get here?

- Pull goalie.

- Dark Ages. A stillborn loss I don't talk about much here. I lost the plot for a while.

- Try, try, try for 1 year. Welcome to the world of IVF. Do not pass IUI. Go directly to ICSI.

- Full Cycle, Round 1 - Hurrah, we have insurance! No baby. Nothing to freeze.

- Full Cycle, Round 2 - How the hell did we burn through $25k of insurance coverage? Self-pay. Change to microdose Lupron. Baby girl home: healthy, happy.

- Frozen, Round 1 - Have one, transfer one. BFP. All three beta levels look good. First u/s doesn't show a fetal pole. Second u/s never finds heart beat. Miscarriage completed with medication.

- Try for Full Cycle, Round 3 - Poor response with only 2 follicles after microdose Lupron, increased from 350 to 450 Follistim and 150 Menopur. Convert to IUI. Lame counts, 15 million. BFN.

- Canceled The Final Full Cycle after estrogen priming with Ganirelix the month prior to retrieval. Starting at 450 Follistim and 150 Menopur. One follicle measured at final u/s. BFN.

- Crap. Diminished ovarian reserve at 39.

- Transfer one beautiful blastocyst from a donor egg. BFN. What. But this is DE, right??? BFN.

- DE FET canceled due to a cyst in January. Lots of Lupron for no good reason. We tried again for the FET in February. Another cyst. Finally cyst free and set for March. 50%-50% chance of pregnancy.

- BFP and a heartbeat followed by Giant SCH Scare the very next day. Last bleed was at 13 wks.

- Added marginal placenta previa to the mix at the 20 week level II ultrasound. Gah. A follow up appointment four weeks later shows the PP gone and the uterus growth resolved the issue.

- Welcome Baby Jay at 39+ weeks via scheduled repeat c-section. A boy. A boy!!

- Considering the future of our frozen embryos. Letting "Party of Four" sink in.

- Starting the process to find a family for our remaining embryos. Feeling perfect about it. UPDATE. That was a total lie. I am freaking the fuck out. UPDATE. I got this. UPDATE. Total melt down. FINAL UPDATE. Recovered, with a tender heart.

- Find a magnificent family to accept our remaining embryos. She is pregnant, first try. Joy.

- For the love of all that is holy, I am pregnant. We made this baby like animals. No RE involved.

- Explore the possibilities of Down Syndrome. Find a beautiful community fiercely dedicated to their children. We are prepared to welcome home a baby with Down Syndrome, but it was not meant to be us.

Welcome to my family: one from my old eggs and one from a donor. A bonus from my very old eggs and the Two Backed Monster. Irrelevant, huh? Joy.