Big drum roll, I am 40 now.
It is a milestone birthday. I believe I am obligated to stop, take inventory and assess my life at a nice round number like this. Eek.
You get a lot of hassle from anyone who is not 40. It is hard to find a sympathetic ear.
If you are younger than 40, you think "age is just a number". If you are older than 40, you think I am bitching about being "old". Only my buddies from high school get it, old farts that they are.
It has been tough timing. I am souped up on my new medication. Not a big fan. It makes me queasy and I have a really hard time sleeping. Really hard, like flip the pillow for the cold side and end up performing previously mentioned life analysis. Every night. Several times a night.
I had to travel for work just after my birthday. Just me - no coworkers. Lame. I miss Toddlerina so badly I cannot see straight. Get me home. I wanted to participate in the conference, but I was disconnected.
Hrumpf. I head into the psychaitrist next week. Hopefully we can sort this out. I feel better but I cannot say I feel good. Now I know I am depressed. I have the world going for me but I want more. And less. And different.
Here is another thought. What if in my honesty I give a bad rap for recipents of donor eggs? What if I scare off potential donors? What if they read this and think recipients are unstable?
Crap. I really don't think I am unstable, but I am not myself. Hard to explain.
A couple housekeeping issues:
If you could not get the video due to my poor imbedding skills, please click the following link. It cracks me up just thinking about it.
Mompetition
I would al so like to formally introduce and thank my friend Lady Pumpkin of Planting a Pumpkin Patch.
She is the Pumpkin I so fondly celebrated in my last post. I thought I was being clever in the way I talked about her, figuring everyone knew her. If you don't, drop by and get to know her. She is a nutter and takes good care of me. You would be lucky to have her on your side as well.
Best wishes on your POAS Pumpkin.... you will POAS, I assume???
Happy Birthday Roccie!!! Hoping you start REALLY feeling better REALLY soon. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteHappy BIRTHDAY! It's true that there's no way to complain about one's age without annoying SOMEONE, but I do assure you that anyone over 34 doesn't think age is just a number.Maybe it's just hard to express sympathy without implying that the person is in fact a decrepit crone? I'm sorry this Big One hits when you're adjusting to new meds and incorporating a massive disappointment into your life. Bleah. It's a rough moment for anyone, and a cause for depression even without your other quite valid reasons. In other words, I know you're not just fakin' to get cookies out of Pumpkin.
ReplyDeleteAs for scaring off donors, no way! Who doesn't love honesty and feeling like they're seeing a real person? If I were a potential donor I'd want to Fed Ex you a whole big box o' eggs.
Happy birthday!
ReplyDeleteWhy would you scare off potential donors? No one is perfect, not the donor either.
Love and hugs and birthday wishes. It's a hard road, the one you're on, and try try try to be easy on yourself. Trust me, I know it's hard.
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3
Ooh, you are only a few months older than I am; I will be 40 on March 21. Happy birthday!
ReplyDeleteI must confess, but for my infertility, I would not be feeling at all bad about turning 40. I do try to remind myself that I was just as infertile at 37 as I am now. ;-)
Happy Birthday!!! Enjoy your day. This is going to be a fantastic year for you. :)
ReplyDeleteOh Dear Roccie,
ReplyDelete1. Happy Birthday!
2. We all have challenges in our life no matter how much we have or how little. So don't feel bad about where you are at. Just try to sort it out so you can feel at peace.
3. I am sure you are exactly who donors want to give to. Someone so dedicated they would go nuts trying to attain it. :)
Why would a donor not want to give her eggs to the wonderful, fabulous 40 year old wonder that you are? Don't be silly, we all have baggage. This year? Its gonna be a good one.
ReplyDeleteTry to celebrate your birth, it is very important after all.
And, it can take a while to get the right meds, hang in there.
Haaaaapppppy birthdaaaaay to yoooohoooo! I hope you enjoyed your day and was able to take some of the weight off your shoulders with some sort of something special for yourself. You deserve it. Stop thinking that you would scare off people with your honesty. This stuff isn't easy and nobody's perfect, like the others have echoed before me. Repeat after me, "You are NOT unstable!" "You are NOT unstable!" because you aren't. You're honest and that's what I love about you. Hang tough, cookie. Everything is going to be sorted out for you and I hope you're feeling like your old self again soon. You'll get there. You're a tough 40 year old broad like that. ;) Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteP.S.- Yes, I've got the diapers ready. ♥
That's a biggie, I'll admit. But, to live as long is a blessing even if you feel the urge to pull out ye olde life yardstick to see how you've grown and calculate your percentile against the population. I say chuck it and enjoy what this birthday does bring. I, too, would happily send you a dozen eggs in a heartbeat. Alas, I am just shy of being a certified old coot myself.
ReplyDeleteI am pleased to meet that pumpkin that rakes care of you. I cannot believe I've missed her. I'm wishing you all sorts of treats and some relief from any internal torment that this age ticker is triggering. You are fabulous, and some women will never get that no matter how old(or young) they may be.
Happy Birthday!!! I know the depression all too well, I am so hoping this next year is better than the last.
ReplyDeleteBTW- my post about calling people out was not about you. It was more a generalized thing.
Happy Birthday, beloved Roccie. It makes so much sense to my that you are a Sagittarius. The warmth of you gave it away. I'm a fire sign too, but of the Aries kind.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it feels crappy to turn 40. My next one is 37, and I can't say I'm super thrilled. I feel like 40 will feel hard, so by anticipation, I get an inkling of understanding where the rumination about your life's meaning comes from.
Depression affects 7% of the US population each year. That's roughly 14.8 million Americans (NIMH data). You are NOT a freak because you are depressed. It happens. To a lot of us. It's shitty, and I wish I could take it away. It breaks my heart the way you alienate yourself for this shitty affliction. I just want to get all goodwill hunting on you and remind you that "it's not your fault". Because it isn't.
Beloved Roccie, you are so precious to me, my friend. Take good care of you.
I love you to bits, woman. Thank you for the crystal-clear shout-out. You are so very generous with your heart and I am positively honored to get a piece-a you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're going to see your doctor again next week. All meds are so not created equal, and it can take some tinkering to find the right fit. Don't settle for not feeling right.
And girl, the only kind of advanced you are is the really-good-at-this kind. You're going to be a dynamite mommy to your upcoming wee one, just as you are to lucky-duck Toddlerina. Soonsoonsoon. Your donor is damn fortunate to have been matched with our Roccie.
Lovelovelove.
happy happy birthday roccie. the last month in particular has been a rough one, so don't be so hard on yourself. any donor should be more than pleased to have you be the recipient of their lovely eggs. we all have our ups and downs. i'm hoping really hard that on your next birthday, you'll be feeling completely different (in a good way of course) than this current one. hang in :o) xoxo.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! After the rough last couple of weeks, and the so-so drugs now, I hope life gets better soon. As a birthday present from the universe or so.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!! Hoping next year is better for you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! Advanced Maternal Age, blech! What an obnoxious diagnosis. Of course, my diagnosis was probably ANCIENT Maternal Age. Yet I was assured that at 45/46, I was not the oldest preggo in my OB's practice. Hang in there. Your babe is waiting patiently in a cryo tank.
ReplyDeleteHey Roc:
ReplyDeleteHas anyone ever told you that YOU are really special? Oh they do, I've just read some comments...so you don't really need me to tell you that you are completely adorable and wonderful. No wonder you have such lovely buddies as Lady Pumpkin....you get back what you put out there.
Now, I have no clues about ttc when turning 40 - and congratulations on the birthday btw! - as I started well beyond that time. But I can say from the experience of turning 45 which became a dreaded 'cut-off' deadline for my own eggs as defined by my local clinics. 45 loomed as some 'Logan's Run'-ian end time. I thought I would turn to dust when the clock finally ticked into my 46th year, but you know I decided to not let the clinic's rules decide I was aged. It took some doing, but I eventually 'took back' what I felt they had robbed me of in their labelling. Are you really, truly any different from Roccie of a year, two years (or more?) ago?
You are a hip happenin' lady. Age can never define you - unless you let it.
"Scare off" potential donors? Donors should be so fortunate to have their eggs rest with you for a while...what safer place than a caring, thinking, loving mother? Eh?
LS x
Happy Birthday, Roccie! I'm not going to peddle that it's-only-a-number stuff, but I will say this: every year that goes by, we fit our skins a little more.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the bad rap thing, don't take more upon yourself than you deserve. We're not spokespersons. We're just muddling through. All of us.
Happy Happy Birthday! Like a fine wine, you are only getting better with age!
ReplyDeleteagh! how did i miss this Roccie baby? Happy Happy Happy fucking birthday, my friend!
ReplyDeleteYou are a 40 year old FABULOUS woman and don't let anyone and anything make you feel any different!
Any donor would be lucky to be able to hook up with you. You will make the most fantastic mom the second time around (as you have the first time around).
Celebrate, my friend. I am celebrating the awesomeness that is you!
xo
Oh my dear Roccie, so sorry I'm late commenting, but Happy belated Birthday! You are such a fantastic person, I think any donor would understand that all of the emotional ups and downs of infertility get to the best of us. Hope things go well with the doc next week and you start getting more sleep! Sending lots of love & thoughts to you my friend!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday again, a little less garbled by sleepiness this time. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd utter nonsense! Any donor would be lucky to have you. I'd give you my own eggs if I didn't think they were craptastic.
Happy Birthday, fellow Sagg! and fellow DE using, sometimes depressive woman of advanced maternal age! Good luck with the medication.
ReplyDeleteThat video had me rolling on the floor. Thanks for sharing it.
Happy happy happy birthday Roccie! Hope it was a good one. I'll be 40 in august and can hear that TICK TOCK TICK TOCK incredibly loud in my ear, tho i know in my heart i'll be done ttc long before that. My heart is just about finished with it.
ReplyDeleteJanuary is around the corner and I'm giddy with anticipation!
Happy birthday darling friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the medication is making you feel off (and messing with your sleep). Hope they find a way to sort that out for you. Sleep is so god damn important when everything else is falling apart!!!
As for 40, well I guess you can slap me if you think this is patronising but I don't think age matters anymore... You have your beautiful frozen embryos which are frozen in time and aren't aging a bit so let the clock tick tock as loudly as it wants, it wont change the fact that you'll be a mom to one or two or three of them soon enough.
Thinking of you. :)
Happy birthday Roccie! And welcome to the 40's! :-)
ReplyDeleteScrew advanced maternal age. Haven't you heard? 40 is the new 30!!!
Linda, fellow 40-ish Sagg
Oh I'm late! Happy birthday roccie! Here's to a dream come true this year!! And if I could I would send a cargo ship if eggs your way! I think a feeling momma is s good momma! Xxxxx
ReplyDeletehey roccie - thanks for checking up on me. i'm still here :o) just wrapped up a hellish last few months at work, so i'm just catching my breath before updating again. still scared, anxious, paranoid ... the usual. xoxo!!
ReplyDelete