Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Don't try to get on top of it

Wisdom words from the thera-puncturist, but I bet at least some of you automatically blurted "thats what she said", right?

I went in for a session today feeling I needed more the therapy than the puncture.  I feel a little detached from this round.  The normal me bleeds and sweats the details.  I am just too busy to get under it all this time.

I cannot help but to feel guilty that I am not jamming bamboo under my nails to make this happen.  Isn't the intensity of suffering directly proportionate to the percentage of success?  

If it were only that simple, we would all have babies.  I still cannot shake the feeling I should be forcing mediation, drinking ass flavored tea, avoiding wheat or air, and choking down some damn Royal Jelly even though we are donor egg.

Today my acupuncturist told me being present was the best practice I could follow.

She compared it with surfing.  You can sit on the shore and watch the surfers move through the waves.  They make it look easy.  Enjoy the show because the minute you try to get on top of it, everything falls apart.

I don't do her story justice, but she told me not to try and get on top of it.  Align yourself with your goal and then let go.

I hope this one finds a little place to curl up with our friend egghunt and keep her warm.


  1. We kid ourselves into thinking that we need all the voodoo, because we couldn't get it done with a bottle of wine on the right day of the month. The superstition, the diets, the alternative treatments -- they give us the sense of control we lose when we walk through the RE's door.

    It's all an illusion.

    Let yourself off the hook. Pretend you're a teenager in the backseat of a car. Easier said than done, I know. But at the very least, won't you be happier breathing air and eating wheat?

  2. Awesome advice Roccie...take care.

  3. I like the surfing example. But, from someone who watches a lot of surfing (a lot, like, every weekend), I'm going to twist this on you. I say the key to this sport is really being the moment. That going for it is really letting go. Once you've made the effort (aka lined up drugs and appointments) and paddled in, it's up to the wave to take you somewhere. And it will, without having to shove bamboo or attach leeches to something.

    Breathe dear Roccie. When you catch yourself in those cycles, remember that the motion of filling your lungs IS in your control. What happens next is not. You are a great person who deserves all of those things that can fall apart to fall in place no matter what. That's the hope I'm holding for you right now. It's time. If you can believe that it really can happen, I will believe that it will with all the heart I can muster.

    PS. Thot that first line was going to say that you'd found some secret sex position for infertility. 'Cause who doesn't want to get on top of that? (nudge, nudge.)

  4. That's what she said. :)

    Maybe the fact that you aren't jamming bamboo under your fingernails means this is a different sort of cycle. And different might be really really good.

    Intensity of suffering is not the key to success. Misfits is right - the only thing we can do, or need to do, is keep breathing.

    I'll be breathing right along with you.


  5. to just be present is sometimes harder than all that other crap. Just be. Hmmmm...I hope it all works.

  6. This about sums up the craptacular that is my life at the moment. I mean, I have loads to be thankful for, but loads to loathe, too. I, too, and trying to seize individual moments instead of plotting out the next 17 years. Being present is hard fucking work.

  7. I took a few (hundred) steps back my last two cycles of last year because I just couldn't take the stress I was putting on myself. I told myself I "should" have been doing acupuncture/meditation/eating a pineapple plantation but I did nothing. I turned up. That's about it. I'd love to say "hey it worked for me!!" but we all know I'm woefully still not of the fertile.

    I saw do what you can. Remove the pressure. Take it as it comes. If you feel the urge to meditate, then meditate. Just dont force it.


  8. Amazing advice...she is an incredibly wise woman! And yes I did initially laugh at that title:)

  9. As you now know, being present, away from electronic doohickeys and stuff-to-do-with-my-hands, is a challenge for me. In fact, as you may recall, I was recently showered with a fine mist of who-knows-what while thrice proclaiming that "I am present" Fake it 'till you make it, right?

    And while having something to *do* (tea to drink, food groups to avoid, mantras to say) may make us feel more in control, I think that, in some ways, they take us out of sitting with these difficult feelings and uncertainties and potentially unrealizable dreams. That was a paraphrase of my therapist talking; she's right about just about everything. So maybe doing more actually takes us out of now, you know?

    I continue to love your therapuncturist and all that she is and does for you. And you.

  10. Great advice! And yes, the amount of suffering SHOULD be proportional to the reward... to bad it's not...

  11. Hell, being present is plenty of work--no need for bamboo. It IS nice to get grounded in the moment occasionally, but I like what the others have said: if you're not sweating and bleeding, perhaps that's all for the best. It's possible you don't need to be doing anything at all that you're not already doing.

  12. Sometimes NOT jamming bamboo under our fingernails is the best way to succeed. Being detached doesn't mean you don't care about the outcome, it just means your life isn't dependent upon it. Just stay present. We're here with you.

  13. There's so much to feel guilty about - and yes - I need to give that up too.

  14. I truly don't think effort, thinking positive, or anything else except biological factors beyond our control affects the success or failure of a treatment cycle. Your attitude sounds healthy to me, and I don't think it will make a difference in your outcome either way.

    Just one person's opinion. I know many people swear by The Power of Positive Thinking, but I just don't buy it. It's on the same plane as "just relax and you'll get pregnant" to me.

  15. Your thera-puncturist is this shit. She really is. That is awesome advice... I hope you can follow it through this cycle. Do what feels right for you.

    Sitting beside you through this next (and hopefully final) round, my friend. xoxo

  16. It's not only right on the money, it's very profound. Yes. It's a beast that won't be wrestled, and even if we try and try, the beast is going to do what the beast does.

    Those are wise words.

    And I really do think that being present, breathing, taking one second at a time...that will beat out truckloads of royal jelly any day.

  17. Roccie, I love your acupuncturist. Every time you post about her I start thinking about how long it would actually take to drive to Chicago, and my friend goes up there once a month anyway, and maybe...

    But anyway, I think it's great advice, and she's absolutely right that the suffering does not predict the success. I know why you viscerally think that (we all do, don't we?) -- when you are suffering, it makes it feel like that's for some purpose. I, for one, am cheering you on this cycle as always, and I hope hope hope this is the one for you.

    (That's what she said.)

  18. Suffering definitely isn't correlated with success...that much I can tell you from personal experience. So please, no bamboo shoots up the nails. Mrs. Misfits is right...surfing's about being in the moment, being one with the board and the wave. You do all you can without losing yourself and then just surrender yourself to the process and the outcome.
    Your acupuncturist sounds totally cool. Sign me up with her already! :)

  19. Very wise words. I think they apply no matter what we are trying to do.

    Presently off to snarf down some Royal Jelly.