Thursday, May 31, 2012

Defining mother

Big developments on this end.  It seems we might have a match for a recipient family.  I wasn't looking yet, but maybe it came looking for me.

Do I believe things happen for a reason?  Sometimes.  But the phrase makes me want to scratch the speaker's eyes out.  Can I scratch out my own eyes?

There is one big factor I hadn't really considered yet.  Jay.  How will he feel about it all?  It has really thrown me for a loop.  When the embryo adoption plan was formed Jay was more of an idea than a person.  Now he is a give/take real live person.  Shouldn't the impact it could have on him be considered?  Same for Toddlerina.  Hell, hers is even more complicated.

It also sounds ridiculous.  Poor, poor you if the biggest problem you face in your young adult life is accepting full or partial brothers and sisters exist out there in the big world.  Life can throw much more gruesome problems your way.

But I initiated this so called problem.

But why did I do it?

I have to admit for me, there is nothing noble about donating embryos.  I am glad the recipient family benefits.  Of course I am.  But I am not donating to help them.  I am doing this for my embryos.  I am doing this for my unborn children.

Are those the right words?  I consider them my children.  I guess I have no blood relation to them.  You could challenge me and say they are not my children.  But they are.

So how can I let someone else raise my children?

If the other family doesn't raise them... they won't get raised.  They won't get to be here and live and breathe and be happy and sad and joyful and all the pairs of opposites you can think of.

My head is exploding.


  1. This was one of my biggest struggles when we had out six embryos on ice after having Henry. I spent much more time worrying about what I would do if I was to get pregnant with one or even two of those embryos, and there were more left over. I knew that our family would be complete, but what would we DO with the others? I was all for donation, but Nick was set against it, wanting to just let them go. After our first failed cycle it was a weight off my shoulders when I knew we would use all the remaining ones for the final transfer. It felt very meant to be since Nick and I were at such an impass with it that I had decided to just keep paying the storage fee and basically keeping them FORVER ON ICE. Leaving Henry his siblings in our will :) Then none of them took and it felt like such a stress for no reason, but that is neither here nor there.

    Anyway, all this is to say, I think you are making the right decision. I worried about what Henry would think if he knew we just let his possible siblings thaw on a lab table, never giving them a chance. I worried about what I would think, about what god would think. I feel like it is hard to let them go to a different family, but it felt right to me, at least my my hypothetical world. the actually DOING IT would be much harder. Lots of love coming your way.

  2. Bless you for making this decision, and I do understand what you say about thinking of the embryos as your unborn children. Back when it was all abstract, my husband and I decided that if we had frozen embryos after completing our family, we'd donate them for medical research. He was adamantly opposed to donating them to another couple or individual. As it turned out, after we had #1 Son and were left with many frozen embryos, one of the main reasons why we proceeded with #2 Son was my inability to think about those embryos as anything other than future children. I just HAD to do it, and I dragged my husband kicking and screaming all the way. In a bizarre way, we were lucky that something went wonky with the first group thawed, and none survived to transfer, so we had to thaw the second (and last) group. I do not know what I would have done if we had been left with remaining frozen embryos.

    I am, and have always been, pro-choice. But I could not think of those embryos as anything other than potential children who had to be given a chance.

  3. Happy to hear about this. I have found with this whole thing, every step of the way presents new issues that you never really thought about... well, because you didn't have to before.

    I think of the embryos that we just adopted as babies, even though it's debatable.

    I think of it like this... the struggle that you went through to even create these embryos, you loved them from the very begining. I know this because I loved mine and had hopes for them, yes I'm likely cray cray. I personally couldnt just thaw them and throw them away knowing that struggle. Before all of this... I had very different ideas on life.

    As the recipient of adopted embryos, I can tell you you are giving someone hope. Hope that they can have a child. It is a pretty nobel selfless thing you are doing. You also might be, and hopefully will be giving them life.

    Our embryo adoption is kind of open. I have to send pictures to the genetic parents, and I dont mind. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would want the same thing.

    The way I see it, any child of mine was going to have a pretty messed up story of how they were brought into the world... now they have a pretty cool story to tell, and other people that they can decide if they want to have contact with. See how Im talking about these embryos as if they are a person.

    Also, in the event of sickness... they have someone to call up for bone marrow... and that goes both ways. ;)

  4. PS. none of my embryos made the cut. I just re-read my comment makes no sense.

  5. Besides making a note to self to never tell you things happen for a reason (I like to see), I think I get your heart and thinking on this. This is all ordered toward love and generosity for which you will probably not give yourself credit. Happy for you and the two you are raising and happy that the other little embryos are getting a chance to be brought forth, to love and be loved. While I get your honesty that your concern for them as children was primary, it will also give you joy, I think, to know that your recipient family will have just a little bit less debt to manage while raising their babies. I am happy for the recipient parents too! Jay is precious and the parents are blessed to try to bring forth one or more of his siblings.

  6. I think of you as a Universal mother, a mother at the level of each of your cells. It follows that if you have embryos, you would want to give them the best chance at life. I think your spirit is beautiful, dear woman. I'm really moved by the fact that you are planning on donating the embryos.

    Yes, all of your decisions will have repercusions on your children. I'm sure that this fact is scary somedays. I hope to find that out for myself. I think it is important to consider Jay and Toddlerina (and the potential future babies steming from the embryos) in your decision making, but it is not their decision. It is entirely yours and Rocco's. Your children can be happy about it or be angry about it, or need a lifetime of therapy for it. But you and Rocco will make the best decision you can in accordance to what you think is right for you. And whatever repercussions evolve with your children, it will be yet another great opportunity to talk about your values, and teach them what you think is important about living life as a human. Just my 2 cents.