Thursday, May 10, 2012

Not for the faint of heart

What does finished feel like.

I have never been good at tracking my own limits.  Binge is a verb I once knew.

When do you stop planning The Next Great Thing.

How do you recognize contentment.

Can you binge on babies.

It hurts when I start to mourn things still in progress.  I get a little teary eyed when he moves up in his diaper size.  I think about the eventual last feeding session with him and my heart seizes.  The finality of it all knocks the wind out of me.

If I master my thoughts and become present in the moment, it is clear.  Actually, it is magnificent.  I have everything I need.  We are finished.  Our family is complete.

It's just that clarity fades when I think I may never come this way again.


  1. <3 <3 <3
    I have no advice. You know that. But I love you.

  2. Beautifully written post, Roccie.
    Sending love. These are difficult questions to wrestle with.

  3. Love the post and can totally relate to the sentiments. (Weird part for me is knowing that all my "firsts" with my guys are also my "lasts" because, like yours, our family is complete.)

    It's a real mental shift to go from striving and planning to being and enjoying.

  4. I already feel that way and I don't even have my babies yet. We have not made any decisions yet on if we would have more after these two, but I am trying to relish this pregnancy so I don't forget how amazing it is... I am saddened that this may be the only time to do this... and I'm sure that with each change in our babies, when they come, I will mourn that stage passing as well.

    I MUST remember to stay present :-)

  5. A million times yes.

    Whenever I get all weepy about the "lasts", I have to think about the lasts that are going to be good things. The last time he ruined an outfit thank to reflux. The last time he screamed indignantly because he thought he ought to be able to move but couldn't figure out how. Eventually, the last time he'll wake several times a night to eat.

    And even then, I catch myself saying stupid things like, "okay, they just said that you MIGHT die trying to have another, not that it's certain! Can haz just one moar baby. Can totally haz one moar." Gah.

  6. It will be the last of so many things, but oh what wonderful new things lie ahead! I remember thinking this with even my first nephew, that he was just so damn cute at that stage and how much I will miss it when he leaves it, but then he got even more adorable and amazing at each new step, that it became hard to remember what I was supposed to be missing. I know this is a bad analogy, and that the bitch infertility makes these feelings even more complicated, but I wish for you total contentment in your heart with your wonderful family. It's got to be there for all of us someday, right?

  7. Lasts and firsts. Walking out of one room and into another. It's what we do our whole lives and it doesn't get any easier, does it? Granted you can disregard anything I have to say on the topic because of the doors I have yet to get open, but I think you're doing great. The day after every last is a first.

  8. Sniffle! So perfectly expressed. The moment is perfect and enough when you can be in it, but it's hard to stay there.

  9. I have these same feelings ... the only difference is that we aren't sure we're done yet (in fact, I'm hoping like heck we're not!). Your example about going up in diaper size... I swear I'm keeping Adam in size 3's because I can't bring myself to go up to size 4's. Crazy, I know... but my baby is growing up ... he's not a baby anymore! Its bittersweet!

  10. <3 love you roccie. Firsts and lasts... never easy.
    Hubby and I were randomly discussing our 3 freezer tots and I have honestly been considering using them. But first I have to bring home a baby from this one...