I haven't forgotten them. I haven't forgotten yours.
She is always there in the back of my mind but sometimes she comes front and center to everything else.
It
doesn't hurt anymore but it is a strange, slightly empty feeling.
Uneasy isn't the right word because I like to remember her, most of the
story anyhow.
We
went to a fundraiser benefiting parents in pursuit of children. Some
parents go on to IVF and some to adopt, using the grant money raised in
the name of Virginia.
Many
foundations and grants originate in a tragic loss. Virginia's parents
went through fertility treatments and had a beautiful daughter. It
isn't my story to tell, but Virginia died in a horrible accident before
she was one.
I
met Virginia's parents and had an instant connection. You know how it
can be. They are strong and healing as best they can. The fundraiser
was a huge success, the best one to date. The weather was beautiful and
Virginia's mom said, "Of course it is. Virginia arranged it." And I
believe her.
Virginia's
dad is great with kids. He is a wonderful father. I really enjoyed
the special attention he shared with Toddlerina. It broke my heart. I
cried for him when I went to feed Jay off in the shade. Virginia's dad
kept a loving, close eye on my Toddlerina.
Rocco
was saying what an energetic host he was, always playing with the
kids. Rocco noted that he played with Toddlerina a lot.
Of course he did. She is the same age that Virginia would have been if she could have stayed with us.
UPDATED:
Thank
you so much for asking where you can make a donation Kerrie. I wish I
could find your contact information to thank you personally.
I
thought about putting a link to the fundraising site here. I hesitated
and didn't do it. I feared I might violate the privacy of the family in
telling a story about their race day and especially, their precious
daughter.
I changed the names in order to give a little space for
the family. The daughter's name is Savannah, not Virginia. I feared
they may find this post in a random search and feel betrayed by me
voicing my experiences of Savannah's day.
I thought about it long
and hard. I think it makes sense to share the real information in
order to enable a donation in Savannah's name. Should the family find
this post and if it hurts them, I will take it down immediately.
I
knew Savannah's dad was thinking about Savannah when he looked at my
Toddlerina. I lost a friendship with a girlfriend who was pregnant the
same time as me my first pregnancy. My first daughter was stillborn,
hers is now 5.
It wasn't a dramatic breakup, but I allowed myself to
drift away. It hurts way too much to see her. My friend understands
and has never asked about it. I suppose that means she is still a good
friend, isn't she?
Thanks so much for being here with me. I am so grateful for your support.
This is the fund in Savannah's name.
This is the foundation that manages Savannah's fund.
I haven't forgotten them. I haven't forgotten yours.
She is always there in the back of my mind but sometimes she comes front and center to everything else.
It
doesn't hurt anymore but it is a strange, slightly empty feeling.
Uneasy isn't the right word because I like to remember her, most of the
story anyhow.
We
went to a fundraiser benefiting parents in pursuit of children. Some
parents go on to IVF and some to adopt, using the grant money raised in
the name of Virginia.
Many
foundations and grants originate in a tragic loss. Virginia's parents
went through fertility treatments and had a beautiful daughter. It
isn't my story to tell, but Virginia died in a horrible accident before
she was one.
I
met Virginia's parents and had an instant connection. You know how it
can be. They are strong and healing as best they can. The fundraiser
was a huge success, the best one to date. The weather was beautiful and
Virginia's mom said, "Of course it is. Virginia arranged it." And I
believe her.
Virginia's
dad is great with kids. He is a wonderful father. I really enjoyed
the special attention he shared with Toddlerina. It broke my heart. I
cried for him when I went to feed Jay off in the shade. Virginia's dad
kept a loving, close eye on my Toddlerina.
Rocco
was saying what an energetic host he was, always playing with the
kids. Rocco noted that he played with Toddlerina a lot.
Of course he did. She is the same age that Virginia would have been if she could have stayed with us.
UPDATED:
Thank you so much for asking where you can make a donation Kerrie. I wish I could find your contact information to thank you personally.
I thought about putting a link to the fundraising site here. I hesitated and didn't do it. I feared I might violate the privacy of the family in telling a story about their race day and especially, their precious daughter.
I changed the names in order to give a little space for the family. The daughter's name is Savannah, not Virginia. I feared they may find this post in a random search and feel betrayed by me voicing my experiences of Savannah's day.
I thought about it long and hard. I think it makes sense to share the real information in order to enable a donation in Savannah's name. Should the family find this post and if it hurts them, I will take it down immediately.
I knew Savannah's dad was thinking about Savannah when he looked at my Toddlerina. I lost a friendship with a girlfriend who was pregnant the same time as me my first pregnancy. My first daughter was stillborn, hers is now 5. It wasn't a dramatic breakup, but I allowed myself to drift away. It hurts way too much to see her. My friend understands and has never asked about it. I suppose that means she is still a good friend, isn't she?
Thanks so much for being here with me. I am so grateful for your support.
This is the fund in Savannah's name.
This is the foundation that manages Savannah's fund.
Why don't you just ask me to explain the universe. Hardest question ever.
What kind of relationship do you expect to have with the recipient family?
We want open, but just how open is a tough one to define.
Do I want to meet the family prior to donation? I don't know. I have some hang ups about this. I never met our egg donor even though we had the option. I know I am a brutal critic. I know I will see things that are not wrong, but since they don't match my mind's expectation, will I see them as faults? I will create problems that are not real.
My donor didn't ask to meet us before donating. What if she had? Would we have passed? Would she roll over in her proverbial grave if she read this blog? Let's face it, I don't come across as an easy going Momma who runs a smooth ship. I have some baggage and I create more where I see fit.
Was my egg donor more established in her resolve to donate? Is that why she didn't require to meet us prior to donation? Does she separate herself from it all easier than I do?
Many donors required an amendment to the contract that mandated any remaining embryos not used by the original donor egg couple would be destroyed. Harsh word. Wonder why I picked that one. Anyhow, many donors request that embryos not transferred are not passed on to another family.
I admit, there was some appeal in those types of donors. We would never face this next step since it was all decided for us. At the time, we did not limit our evaluation of potential donors to allow only those who gave us full control over the embryos. God, fate and destiny set me up with a donor who allowed us to determine the future of our remaining embryos. If I had to do it all over again, I would want an egg donor who gave us control over the future of the embryos.
I think I would crumble seeing my Jaybird and know there was nothing I could do for the embryos. I am grateful not to face that problem even though this is a tough process for us.
In lighter news, Jay recently discovered his penis. Oh, how he loves it.
I pretty much take this all as close to fact. I may have transcribed it incorrectly or misheard something, but I took notes during the conversation. I guess it is my cheap disclaimer and invitation for challenges or corrections.
I talked at length with my RE last night. Funny, I avoided saying her name. I still want to call her by the formal title of "Dr. Fantastic", but we are now in the Mostly Friends stage of our relationship. Add the fact that I was documenting every word that came out of her mouth... well, it felt like old times. I just don't feel worthy of being on a first name basis with her.
I adore my RE. Every patient should be so lucky to have such a dedicated person in her corner. She talked about embryo donation as a physician, a mother, and as a woman who has her own embryos on ice. Yes, the Good Doctor is not only the President but a member too. Of course she is.
On my road to the crib, I asked my RE about donor embryos. It seemed like it was a lifetime ago. The only thing I could remember about the conversation was her reaction: negative.
I had to go back there. I had to turn over that rock. I have been in knots waiting for this conversation. If anyone could shake my commitment to donating our embryos, it would be her. I don't know what to make of that statement. I am not wavering in my decision, but I could easily be knocked off the rails by the right arguments from her. I have consistently put so much faith in her guidance. What would I do if she pulled back the curtain to show me all the ugliness I didn't know about embryo adoption. How could I turn my back on the information.
In summary, her negativity about embryo donation was from a recipient's point of view, mostly centered on the poor quality of the available embryos. Recipient couples wait to be matched, process the adoption, prepare for the transfer and often find the embryos do not survive the thaw. Can you imagine. What a brutal crusher.
She said that embryo donors are typically in their 40's. Now of course I got all fired up about what woman in her 40's is spitting out excess embryos, but that is beside the point. Ever the jealous Infertile, I am.
Most embryos are still sitting on ice. Tens of thousands. The ones couples want are going nowhere slow. The optimal efficacy for embryos is less than five years. As couples decide what comes next, each passing year lessens the likelihood of implantation.
Success rates are also greatly impacted in the whole process of creating the embryo. My clinic is very selective about what is worthy to freeze but many clinics are freezing day 1 or day 6 embryos. Just because it is a frozen embryo doesn't mean they were all created equally.
I wonder why the older couples are the ones donating the embryos.
She said our types of embryos are very rare. The caliber of the clinic, the youth egg, the quality of the blast, the freezing process. Not just rare, very rare.
I am glad I confronted the fear of what my RE would say about the donation process. If anything, it helps to strengthen my intent to donate. I don't know that the recipient couple that sparked the research will be the right match for us. Rocco and I both felt like the wind was knocked out of us when the donation felt more immediate. Need to understand why. We need to make sure this is still our plan, but I feel a little stronger about it today.
Here is the ugly side.
What if the child born to the recipient family doesn't like Jay or thinks we are hillbillies? What if Jay meets this donor family and he secretly likes them better than his own family? How can all these children avoid the inevitable comparisons?
Maybe these embryos are just cells. As we all are painfully aware, there is no promise they will implant and result in a pregnancy.
How can I argue the personhood movement as bullshit when I tend to frame my own embryos as people?
I am interested in the promise of stem cell research. I am not even sure you can still donate embryos any more. I think Federal funding was killed on all those programs.
Not
much on the ugly side, is there? I should be having a tough
conversation with an experienced resource in the next several days.
This is my last exploration into the bad side of donating embryos.
I am just a blip in time. Who cares if I am a hillbilly. I am a happy hillbilly.
I feel like the brunt of this decision will be carried by the child born from donor embryos.
Can you think of any other challenges I should face before making this decision?
