Monday, June 11, 2012

What are you looking for in your donor embryo relationship?

Why don't you just ask me to explain the universe.  Hardest question ever.

What kind of relationship do you expect to have with the recipient family?

We want open, but just how open is a tough one to define.

Do I want to meet the family prior to donation?  I don't know.  I have some hang ups about this.  I never met our egg donor even though we had the option.  I know I am a brutal critic.  I know I will see things that are not wrong, but since they don't match my mind's expectation, will I see them as faults?  I will create problems that are not real.

My donor didn't ask to meet us before donating.  What if she had?  Would we have passed?  Would she roll over in her proverbial grave if she read this blog?  Let's face it, I don't come across as an easy going Momma who runs a smooth ship.  I have some baggage and I create more where I see fit.

Was my egg donor more established in her resolve to donate?  Is that why she didn't require to meet us prior to donation?  Does she separate herself from it all easier than I do?

Many donors required an amendment to the contract that mandated any remaining embryos not used by the original donor egg couple would be destroyed.  Harsh word.  Wonder why I picked that one.  Anyhow, many donors request that embryos not transferred are not passed on to another family.

I admit, there was some appeal in those types of donors.  We would never face this next step since it was all decided for us.  At the time, we did not limit our evaluation of potential donors to allow only those who gave us full control over the embryos.  God, fate and destiny set me up with a donor who allowed us to determine the future of our remaining embryos.  If I had to do it all over again, I would want an egg donor who gave us control over the future of the embryos.

I think I would crumble seeing my Jaybird and know there was nothing I could do for the embryos.  I am grateful not to face that problem even though this is a tough process for us.

In lighter news, Jay recently discovered his penis.  Oh, how he loves it.


  1. Tiny Boy did as well...must be something about 6-7 mo...

  2. I love that you are currently wrestling with something I'm going through myself! (On that note, email me if you want to discuss the openness question, or anything else, further outside the comment box.)

    We were purposeful in choosing a donor who would not put any restrictions on the future use of the embryos created during the process because we knew from the beginning that, if we were lucky enough to have frozens left over once our family was complete, we would want to donate them to another childless couple.

  3. So much that is tough to define. I know this much, though. You may not be an easygoing Momma who runs a smooth ship, but who wants easygoing and smooth, anyway? I think in her place I'd want tiger-who-protects-her-young. And she would find it in you.

    Well done, Jaybird. The Age of Exploration is upon us.

  4. wow. the questions just get harder, not easier. Hang in there, dear woman. You are well equipped to think through this with great wisdom and authenticity.
    Some people we know talked about their baby boy reaching 3-4 years and really enjoying his penis. He would say to his mom:"Mom, I have a penis and I like it!"

  5. I can't imagine any woman not absolutely loving you and just FLINGING her eggs in your direction, but these are some really complex questions. While I'm a million miles from being able to really imagine answering them for myself, I certainly contemplated them when it wasn't clear we'd ever achieve pregnancy. Donor eggs, donor sperm... I always figured I'd leave options open, let each party decide as it chooses. Which doesn't make those choices easier, but hey, this is one of the beautiful facets of your particular family.

  6. Seems like I'm agreeing with Augusta on every blog I comment on these days! But she said what I was thinking too... the questions get harder.... Makes me realise how much more thinking I have to do.
    And what is important is that they are your embryos so it's YOUR choice as to what happens to them. Just like your donor made the choices she did to get you to this position, you'll pass on that gift of decision making to some other lovely family. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving.

  7. I was just thinking of you today and wanted to pop over and see how you're fairing with the process. Definitely difficult questions and very personal as well.
    I can tell you from our experience even though I was terrified and SO nervous to meet our donor family before we did our FET I'm so thankful we did. I was so worried too that they'd find something wrong with us or change their minds but it just further cemented our relationship and helped us to grow in our love for each other. We've always been very honest with each other and kept communication open and I know they feel this way too but they really truly feel like family to us now. We just celebrated our little mans 1st birthday yesterday and I can honestly say our relationship with our donor family is amazing.
    I hope you're able to find the answers you're looking for. Sending love your way my friend:)

  8. I understand your questions about this process. My wife and I have decided to get pregnant using donor embryos and have thought about these same issues. If you are still considering providing your frozen embryos to someone, we would love to travel this path with you and see if we are a good fit. My wife Alicia and I live in St. Louis, MO. I work as a college professor and she as a videographer. We are very open to communication/connection with you as our child(ren) grow. We are a loving, stable, childless, two mom home. If you are interested in talking further, please do contact me.