Not the bad kind, but just so wrapped up with this process I want it to have happened yesterday.
Mostly.
It kind of hit me a couple days ago that my son or daughter will be born elsewhere. Outside my arms. It was not a fun day. Today is another one.
I wanted to call the whole thing off. Maybe I can have 8 more kids, or at least 8 more tries. There is beauty and pride in poverty. And mania.
Maybe I lied this wasn't the bad kind of anxiety. Anxiety cannot be a good kind. Here come the tears. The snow helps. I heard a beautiful sermon once about how snow is God's reminder of fresh starts with him. I guess this storm is for me and my tears today.
I just really don't have anyone to talk to about it. It is so fucking heavy it blows people's minds and renders them speechless.
I want these babies for my own. There I said it. It hurts so bad.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Letter to my donor
I never sent anything out to my donor.
I became so paralyzed with fear and emotion, my letter sat unsent. I carried it with me for months, thinking I would finish it. I never did.
I was afraid to say the wrong thing. I was afraid the donor might be like me, so critical, no matter what I said, it would be wrong.
Now I am at a point where I feel I have to reach out to her. I need to tell her about the embryo donation.
How's that for a big cold shock to her when she finally opens a letter from me?
My recipient family will want to have the same access to her that we have - the ability to contact her when Jay is 18. But it won't be contractual, just a momma to momma agreement.
I think the donor will want to know about the additional children since she asked that her children be able to reach mine once 18 as well.
I am scared to write this letter. I don't know how to say it or what to say about my abominable absence during her whole egg retrieval.
I am also ashamed to come clean with my recipient family. This momma is so open and proud of this whole process - she is so far advanced compared to me.
The process is moving along well. We have a serious time deadline to meet but it should be possible. I am the only thing that seems to be screwing it up.
I became so paralyzed with fear and emotion, my letter sat unsent. I carried it with me for months, thinking I would finish it. I never did.
I was afraid to say the wrong thing. I was afraid the donor might be like me, so critical, no matter what I said, it would be wrong.
Now I am at a point where I feel I have to reach out to her. I need to tell her about the embryo donation.
How's that for a big cold shock to her when she finally opens a letter from me?
My recipient family will want to have the same access to her that we have - the ability to contact her when Jay is 18. But it won't be contractual, just a momma to momma agreement.
I think the donor will want to know about the additional children since she asked that her children be able to reach mine once 18 as well.
I am scared to write this letter. I don't know how to say it or what to say about my abominable absence during her whole egg retrieval.
I am also ashamed to come clean with my recipient family. This momma is so open and proud of this whole process - she is so far advanced compared to me.
The process is moving along well. We have a serious time deadline to meet but it should be possible. I am the only thing that seems to be screwing it up.
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