Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What PAIL gave to me

PAIL.  What a mess, huh?  It pulled off some scabs for me.  

I feel like I have been granted license to open up again.  No one asked me to censor but I did.

I remember my happy frustration when I first started looking for donor egg blogs.  So many of them were "finished" - they were at home with healthy babies.  Quiet blogs.  Infrequent updates.  So very unlike me at the time.

Well hello and welcome to my stale parenting blog.

I didn't want to become that blog.  The one talking about babies and naps and poops.  

I was frustrated by the lack of LIVE ACTION donor egg blogs, but it gave me great comfort.  All these women were getting pregnant!  And taking babies home!

But I still have some shit to sort out.  Anyone who has the heart and time to help me attend to my issues is welcome here.  If you are quietly reading along to form your own plans, you are welcome here.

I am beyond the live action (...for now?).  I have tried to make navigation easier for the new donor egg recipient by listing my milestones.  I am on the other side and now need to dig into some ideas that could hurt to read depending where your heart is day to day.

I don't know if we will transfer another embryo.  

I don't know what agency to use to facilitate the embryo adoption process once our family is complete.

If you are in a place you can read parenting issues that sound down right ungrateful, please stay.  I could use your advice and you can call bullshit when you see it.  If it sucks to read someone with such a divine problem as mine, I understand.

I left a lot of blogs that got pregnant when I wasn't.  I get it.  I sure as hell wouldn't want to read about someone counting her embryos over and over.  I  promise I won't be weighing the benefits of a Gemini over a Libra, but my issues will sound pretty trivial.

All my best every single day,


  1. I'm pretty sure we all have some shit to sort out. I'm not sure I know anyone who doesn't. The whole PAIL thing. Sigh.

    I'm so thankful you're in my life, for a myriad of reasons. So please continue to blog. I'll continue to read. Even as much as everything seems to hurt right now, there are always those I will never ever stop reading.

    Love you.

  2. Well, I'll still be reading and my blog is staler than yours by far - combination of being back at work and having a 14 month old. I think that PAIL as a donor egg recipient is probably very different from PAIL with your own genetics, if you are going down the telling route (which I couldn't contemplate NOT doing). There is a constant reminder of the I&L - not that I think of that as a bad thing - I don't WANT to forget what brought me to where I am now because I feel that to do so would be disloyal to my past self and to all the women out there who are still in the trenches. Anyhow - that's something for my own blog. I'd love to chat post-donor issues. We also don't know if we will use our frosties but, sadly, don't seem to have to option here in the UK of donating them on. Big dilemmas we thought we'd never be facing - would have seemed like a huge luxury to that past self but are now causing anxiety.

  3. Roccie, I love reading what you have to say - whatever that is. I look forward to following along, if you'll have me : )


  4. Hey, Roccie. Got that same question about what to do with my embryos. Don't want another kid, don't want to destroy them, don't want to donate them, don't want to pay storage fees for them. Ugh.

  5. I really hope you continue to blog. I myself am a quiet reader and a new mommy to a child with Donor eggs and really enjoy reading about mommyhood from others who have had success and are now parenting. :)

  6. We're in the same boat...trying to figure out what to do with our embryos. Actually today, DH started the conversation (whaaa?! I know). So the wheels are turning up here in the Great White North as well...

  7. Roccie, you will never be stale. Evah.

    What to do with those embryos? A long time ago I used to think that this was a divine prob, because we didn't have any to freeze. I've always mourned that fact. But then I came to understand through my blog friends that determining the fate of embryos is some really hard shit. There is no wrong answer, friend. At all.

    And PAIL. Argh. You know, I was so eager to participate in the Salons, and then they were posted...and then...I just couldn't. Or barely could.

  8. Hi. Sign me up for stale dead blog. I haven't been in the mood to deal with maintaining the blog right now. I should put a "Closed" sign on it for now. I've started writing in a journal and find that I'm being much more honest with myself knowing that I don't have an audience. I'm sure I'll be back in the mood shortly, but right now, meh. Man, this PAIL stuff really stirred up a lot of shit in Blogland, huh?

    PS- My Granny's underwear are stale and your blog is not.

  9. Reading. Also a sometimes-ungrateful parent and dealing with crazy stirred-up hormones and the fact that I had no idea what this life would be and how much I would miss the old one, despite how fervently I wished for what I now have. Anyway. Keep writing.

  10. Bitch, I ain't going no where.

  11. What a mess indeed, but I think a good one. Particularly if it allows you to feel freer to express what's going on...

  12. I will be a'reading. And a'smiling. I think the PAIL thing shook a lot of us. Or, at the very least, made us think about things.

    And I personally can't get enough of talk about naps and poops.

  13. Yay, you're back! :-) I missed you. I may not be commenting on naps-and-poops posts, if there are any (having very little to say as I haven't changed a diaper in 15 years, and while my husband is cranky after a nap it's hardly the same thing), but I will devour every word.

  14. Well, I've joined you in happily graduating to the "currently bitching about that which we devoted years/dollars/tears/DE to achieving" status so I'm glad you're still blogging. In addition to the new parent stuff I'm finding I'm still wrestling w/ some uniquely DE issues, and a handful of IVF things, etc.... so you're still fabulously relevant to me! :-) (But I get, and appreciate and TOTALLY support your sensitivity to those who haven't yet joined us in the graduated ranks!)

  15. Oh PAIL. What upheaval. Maybe a needed one, but it bugged me a little.
    Anyway, please don't censor yourself, if you can help it. I would like to read everything you write. In fact, I read each of your posts with great delight and interest.
    I think the questions around what to do with remaining embryos is a very important one and I'd really like to read your thought process around it.

  16. Don't go away, I just found you! And, uh, I'm a mess so I need your infinite wisdom. We are circling closer to the donor egg debate so you may not be able to get rid of me :)

    And like someone else said, we expect that the people who get their happy ending with a genetic child will be, well, happy and content along with the normal trials of parenthood. (And I keep reading them too.) But for those of us struggling to make peace with a Plan B, it's really inspiring and encouraging to see happiness at the end of an alternate path, too. Thank you for sharing!

  17. I'm still here, reading along, knowing that I will also be part of PAIL as well... and I will have a lot of shit to sort out with this donor egg thing. right now, I think I'm in that blissful stage of pregnancy where I am not really thinking about the fact that they are from a donor egg and just hoping that they look a lot like my husband... I hope to continue to blog after the twins arrive to help sort out those feelings that I know will surface... so I'll be right here with ya.

  18. Roccie,

    I was just reading up on your story. Looks like you are trying to figure out what to do with your embryos, as we are using donor embryos.

    Spoiler alert: We have been selected for a batch of embryos. So should you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask, I can include it in the blog.

    I love people that can make me laugh... and you did!


  19. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  20. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  21. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  22. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  23. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.