I don't get it. I don't know how it all works. Somehow, some way, we just get through it all.
I cannot believe it has been two weeks since I had my 16 week appointment with Glinda the Good OB. (Glinda, not Glenda - thanks Sarah. I love my pop culture when I can get it right.)
I sat down in the chair with Glinda and promptly burst into tears. "Oh my goodness. What is wrong? Are you bleeding again? You could have called. Are you feeling ok?" I cried a little more and the best answer I could come up with was "I am scared."
Glinda has her own stories to share. Stories of waking up and pulling back sheets to see a bloody mess; preterm labor; more bleeding. She told me she set the goal of just making it to delivery, then it will all be okay. Moral of the story: never set that final goal line. You know it always gets moved.
She delivered a healthy baby. She was nursing and the baby began to have seizures. What. But she was there. She arrived at her goal. She made it to delivery. It is the self identified safe zone. Right?
Her baby's seizures are now managed, no long term impact to the infant. The only lasting scars are on the mother. She said it was harder to recover from the seizures than the bleeding and preterm labor because she thought she was in her safe zone.
Some moral, huh? The moral is more complex than never setting the finish line. It makes it sound like you are never safe, but hell, you really aren't. I feel all predestination and shit, but taking it one day at a time is the best I have right now. Cannot change it for the better and thankfully cannot change it for the worse.
I am out about the pregnancy at work now. It is kind of fun, especially when I see people in other departments do a cartoon double take at me. As I told my newly pregnant friend Lut, I highly recommend sitting on your announcement for as long as possible if only for entertainment value.
Do NOT sit on it justincasethatthingthatcanhappenhappens. Ahem, like I did. It doesn't help and it just might do more harm than good.
Things are great now. Happiness is finally mine. I feel like a million bucks and only worry late at night when flipping for the cold side of the pillow. But it doesn't last long or at least as long as it used to.
Thank God we are so damn resilient. Well done, Sir.
So glad to hear from you and you sound like you are a better place. :)
ReplyDeleteYeah for Glinda!!
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you about holding out on the outing of yourself just for the sheer fun of it all!
As I used to say "today I am pregnant" kinda like an alcoholic "today I am sober" hmm... Odd analogy but what I'm trying to say is that if you can live in the moment like you are you will be happier.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you've found your happy!!
ReplyDeletethinking of you friend
ReplyDeletexoxo
Yeah yeah yeah 18 weeks. Damn you are almost 1/2 done. I can not wait to see some more preggo pics and then the sweet sweet baby pics.
ReplyDeleteIf you are a fan of wicked, it's guhlinda. I digress. I fear that the FEAR is an eternal force, like gravity, it pulls on you and keeps you awake. But, the most wonderful force in the universe is the antidote, hope, and I know that that is growing in spades these days on the Roccie road. I will make sure to walk by and smell the blooms as often as I am able.
ReplyDeleteI think you're totally right about setting deadlines: "if I can get to X, I will stop worrying..." Because once you get to X, you can see Y in the distance, and pretty soon the baby is not only born but twelve years old and you're thinking, "if I can just get to middle school graduation...." There is always one more thing on the horizon to freak out about, and it sounds like you're doing a commendable job of not falling into that trap.
ReplyDeleteGo Roccie go!
Have I mentioned how happy I am for you? Seriously, deliriously happy!
ReplyDeleteSomeone IRL (your real life) just told me you have a glow about you, and pregnancy becomes you. Your happiness is showing along with your belly! I thank God for your resilience too. Are you feeling movement? That would explain the glow!
ReplyDeleteBravo for resiliency, where would be without it?
ReplyDeleteAnd hooray for happiness, revel in that shit!
You do sound good. :-)
ReplyDeleteI've been telling more than a few people, because if the worst comes to be I'll need their support. But I'll cross that bridge if and when I get there.
As for entertainment, the first person who asks me I'm going to thank for calling me fat. Or is that too mean?
No safe zone, indeed. Part of parenting is anxiety, and I think it will never go away.
It's certainly true that any given moment is all one can be sure of, so one might as well enjoy it. But, you know, life interferes. And a girl's gotta plan for the future, and that always leads to worrying...maybe we ought to invest in some of those pillows with two cold sides.
ReplyDeleteTotally understand. I now envision LN10 wearing a helmet until the age of five just to protect him! You are so right...its just totally out of our hands. All we can do is enjoy the good days for what they are and be thankful that the worries are just that...worries...and not reality.
ReplyDeleteGlad you got to this good place. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteSo. Glad.
ReplyDeleteThe finish line. Sigh. Wouldn't it be easy if there were one, easily quantifiable, easily identifiable? Once you're past it you're safe (wheeeeeeee!).
Around the time when my husband switched jobs, which is also around the time we came out, his former boss looked at his face and started chuckling. He said: "You know that look of wonder/fear on your face right now? It only increases from here."
Yay! So glad to hear such positive vibes. As for the fear; shit I still feel it. And if I let it, the panic can rise out of all proportion. When Ian was first born, doomsday scenarios kept popping into my head - husband and new baby dying in car crash, parents dying, EVERYone dying on me, anaphylactic shock by bee sting, dropping him down the stairs....thankfully no siezure scenarios (how terrifying). Anyway, the only thing that calms me down is to stop myself and be thankful that I have him for this moment. And that if something ever - you know - that I would do it all over again to have This Moment. There is no safe zone in life.
ReplyDelete