I don't know what that self induced Freak Fest was, but I am glad it is over. Thanks very much for your support. I was walking with a monster on my back for the last several days.
All is well today at 16 weeks.
I let a lot of things get to me. I am not made of stone.
It sounds absurd in print, but I was certain my belly was smaller. I woke up one morning, lying on my back, and it all went south from there. I swear it is like I have body dysmorphic disorder.
There was more. I seemed less tired. I didn't feel better after eating, but I never really felt all that sick in the first place. Yeah, in retrospect, all those things that come with the second trimester.
Perhaps hiding my pregnancy isn't healthy? Law knows I am not the most stable chair on the porch.
I had an amazing conversation with Glenda the Good OB. I am too tired to talk about it now, but I learned a lot from her. I think I can do this and I honestly believe this will be my last Fest.
I am planning a coming out party tomorrow. Assuming I have the guts, I will not hide in a bag outfit. I am going to try to be a pregnant lady tomorrow.
So, I don't worry, 'cause...
ReplyDeleteMama said there'll be days like this,
"There'll be days like this," my mama said.
(Mama said, mama said.)
Mama said there'll be days like this,
"There'll be days like this," my mama said.
♥ you, Roccie.
Can't wait to hear how all your coworkers say that you weren't fooling anyone with those file folders.
Sixteen weeks....four lunar months...nearly the halfway spot. I cannot believe how fast time is flying by. I am happy that you are feeling up to "coming out". It's a brave step. But you're one of the bravest women that I know.
ReplyDeleteCome out in style, Roccie!! :)
So glad that all is well and the Fest is over! Yay for entering the pregnant lady world. ;)
ReplyDeleteI am so, so happy all was well with your little one!!!! Wooooohooooo!
ReplyDeleteAw, Roccie. Freak fests will happen. That's the nature of he pregnancy after hell beast. Be kind to yourself. What you are feeling is perfectly normal!
Can't wait to hear how the reveal goes!
the big reveal. <3 We got you mama. freak all you want cause we got you. You may not be the most stable chair on the porch, but you sure as hell aren't the only chair wobbling. <3
ReplyDeleteFreak Fests are allowed. But now it's time for BELLYPALOOZA! File folders down! So happy to hear your good report. Really looking forward to seeing you (and your belly) soon.
ReplyDeleteCome on out, mama! Be pregnant! Let your belly sing! So glad everything's okay. Lovelovelove.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are back above it, here's to your beautiful growing belly!
ReplyDeleteCan't say it better than Stacie, as this is normal from what you've personally experienced, and the deep empathy you feel for others' losses. Imagine you would need serious reprogramming to take any milestone for granted.
ReplyDeleteI am laughing thinking of people at work trying to act surprised, with big eyes saying,"What?!", and then as soon as they think they have cleared your peripheral vision, rolling their eyes or winking to the person that told them, "Shh, wait until she tells you herself."
But at least they can be openly happy for you now. Who knows it may help you stay above it, when you see some of that happiness out in the open, and see that they have been pulling for you all along.
Much love, and happy that today went well.
ReplyDeleteHubby and I had a similar realization/discussion, probably right around the same time as you (though maybe I was closer to 18 weeks?) where I also realized that nothing I did (or hid) at that point was, in fact, protecting me in any way from hurt, should I lose this baby. My anxiety wasn't sheltering me. And I deserved to celebrate that at this moment, I AM PREGNANT!, even if I was only capable of that sort of celebration in fits and spurts before the fear jumps back in and pulls me under. And, somehow, it also clicked (at least at that moment) that *this* might be the only time I have with this babe, so I better start celebrating him and doing my best to enjoy the moments that I have now.
Of course, the fear still ebbs and flows, and I know it will for the remainder of the pregnancy, but allowing myself to celebrate this moment - for what it is right now - which is a pregnancy full of movement and excitement and hope and joy - but not getting too far ahead of myself into the "when the baby is here" game is at least sort of working for me. If that makes any sense.
(And then I read back over my words and think I'm utterly full of it, who am I fooling!?!)
Regardless, this update brought a big smile to my face. I can't wait to hear more, about your conversation with Glinda as well as with your Coming Out party tomorrow. Enjoy.
xo
I seem to have joined the church of impending doom, so any hymn of devotion is expected during gloomy services. That said, like other churches, attendance is greater around holidays and the evening vigils. So, yeah, hi? You are welcome to sit next to me at any time in the future. My guess is that when the moodyesque doom brainwashing wears off a bit more, you will no longer hear doom's call. Or at least you'll be better prepared to resist it.
ReplyDeleteSweet 16, Sister. Sweet.
That'd make two unstable chairs on the porch...you and me both! LOL...might have to borrow that one!
ReplyDeleteAND YAY for your coming out party today!!! Relish it woman.
yaay for you coming out :o) i have to tell you, there were soo many x's where i was convinced my belly was smaller and it freaked me out to no end. could be positioning, could be soo many things that are all OK and mean nothing is going wrong. i think all of us are just TOO MUCH in tune with our bodies, so the littlest differences are noticed big time. glad you had a good convo with the good OB. sending you big hugs :o) xoxo.
ReplyDeleteI hope (for your sake) it is the last fest, but if not, we'll all understand. But I definitely love the idea of you going public and celebrating this little one. PARTY TIME.
ReplyDeleteEveryone else has already said it better. But freakouts are so ok. Allow yourself the fear, but allow yourself to not let it consume you either. Easy easy to say.
ReplyDeleteLove you. Can't wait for the news on the big reveal :)
Happy 16wks & hope the coming out goes well today! I remember feeling extremely terrified around this same point, it's completely understandable so give yourself a break...this is scary stuff and it takes a lot of courage to keep moving forward each day. So glad you had a good boost from the OB and hope you have a fabulous time coming out!
ReplyDeleteI missed your Freak Fest because I was away. I'm glad you're feeling better. No need to apologize, it's hard to turn off that worrier.
ReplyDeleteHiding PG was the civilized thing to do, way back in the 1900's. At least in higher circles.
I can imagine wanting to hide it for a long time too. Once the secret is out, people tend to expect you to be on cloud number nine - all the time. No room for anxiety.
Oh I am so happy to hear things went well!
ReplyDeleteYou are almost halfway there. Doesn't it fly by, but go so slowly at the same time?
Kelley
I hope your party went well!
ReplyDeleteNo more file folders for you! You're doing great.
ReplyDeleteAnd like others have said, Freak Fests are what blogs are for. Didn't you know that? The next time you feel one coming on, just come on over here and tell us about it. We'll let you know if it's worth freaking out about or not! ;-)
Ohhhh a coming out party. I imagine its scary as hell to take that step out of the closet but I bet you find the air so much more to you liking on that side of the closet. And btw, feel free to freak the hell out any time you choose to lady, its healthy and we love you for it.
ReplyDeletexx
So did you officially come out? :)
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to stop in and say thank you so much for your sweet comment and constant support. You are the best.
xo
Happy things are continuing to progress on their normal schedule! Did you do the big reveal?
ReplyDeleteGeez roccie you really are a pregnant lady now! You're so far gone you're not fooling anyone. Welcome to the glorious light. It's time you were treated like a pregnant lady! Does this blooming creature in you have a pet name?
ReplyDeleteSo, I need to know (for research) if you went with my fanny pack idea...well? I spent all day dreaming that little gem up, so I hope you at least TRIED it.
ReplyDeleteAnd if/when you've come out, please promise you'll march right up to Nosy Senior Management Assmonkey and do one of the following: A) Say to her "I have an announcement now...Guess what's in my loins? WOMBFRUIT!" B) Plop down a freshly and sloppily peed-upon pee stick on her desk with a note that reads "Newsflash" C) Tell her with a straight face, "You may have heard some things about me around the office, but they are absolutely not true" while rubbing your belly and eating ice cream out of the carton using a pickle as a spoon, or D) choke out the words "I'm pregnant" as you are vomiting into her trash can. Or on her desk. Or her lap. Or her laptop. It's a choose-your-own-adventure.
And feel free to wave your freak flag high, my friend. It's how we do around here. But if you prefer to be a Zen Master of Impregnated Serenity, then do that one instead. It's probably healthier or something.