Things I learned about embryo adoption

I pretty much take this all as close to fact.  I may have transcribed it incorrectly or misheard something, but I took notes during the conversation.  I guess it is my cheap disclaimer and invitation for challenges or corrections.

I talked at length with my RE last night.  Funny, I avoided saying her name.  I still want to call her by the formal title of "Dr. Fantastic", but we are now in the Mostly Friends stage of our relationship.  Add the fact that I was documenting every word that came out of her mouth... well, it felt like old times.  I just don't feel worthy of being on a first name basis with her.

I adore my RE.  Every patient should be so lucky to have such a dedicated person in her corner.  She talked about embryo donation as a physician, a mother, and as a woman who has her own embryos on ice.  Yes, the Good Doctor is not only the President but a member too.  Of course she is.

On my road to the crib, I asked my RE about donor embryos.  It seemed like it was a lifetime ago.  The only thing I could remember about the conversation was her reaction: negative.

I had to go back there.  I had to turn over that rock.  I have been in knots waiting for this conversation.  If anyone could shake my commitment to donating our embryos, it would be her.  I don't know what to make of that statement.  I am not wavering in my decision, but I could easily be knocked off the rails by the right arguments from her.  I have consistently put so much faith in her guidance.  What would I do if she pulled back the curtain to show me all the ugliness I didn't know about embryo adoption.  How could I turn my back on the information.

In summary, her negativity about embryo donation was from a recipient's point of view, mostly centered on the poor quality of the available embryos.  Recipient couples wait to be matched, process the adoption, prepare for the transfer and often find the embryos do not survive the thaw.  Can you imagine.  What a brutal crusher.

She said that embryo donors are typically in their 40's.  Now of course I got all fired up about what woman in her 40's is spitting out excess embryos, but that is beside the point.  Ever the jealous Infertile, I am.

Most embryos are still sitting on ice.  Tens of thousands.  The ones couples want are going nowhere slow.  The optimal efficacy for embryos is less than five years.  As couples decide what comes next, each passing year lessens the likelihood of implantation.

Success rates are also greatly impacted in the whole process of creating the embryo.  My clinic is very selective about what is worthy to freeze but many clinics are freezing day 1 or day 6 embryos.  Just because it is a frozen embryo doesn't mean they were all created equally.

I wonder why the older couples are the ones donating the embryos.

She said our types of embryos are very rare.  The caliber of the clinic, the youth egg, the quality of the blast, the freezing process.  Not just rare, very rare.

I am glad I confronted the fear of what my RE would say about the donation process.  If anything, it helps to strengthen my intent to donate.  I don't know that the recipient couple that sparked the research will be the right match for us.  Rocco and I both felt like the wind was knocked out of us when the donation felt more immediate.  Need to understand why.  We need to make sure this is still our plan, but I feel a little stronger about it today.

The other side of the coin

Here is the ugly side.

What if the child born to the recipient family doesn't like Jay or thinks we are hillbillies?  What if Jay meets this donor family and he secretly likes them better than his own family?  How can all these children avoid the inevitable comparisons?

Maybe these embryos are just cells.  As we all are painfully aware, there is no promise they will implant and result in a pregnancy.

How can I argue the personhood movement as bullshit when I tend to frame my own embryos as people?

I am interested in the promise of stem cell research.  I am not even sure you can still donate embryos any more.  I think Federal funding was killed on all those programs.

Not much on the ugly side, is there?  I should be having a tough conversation with an experienced resource in the next several days.  This is my last exploration into the bad side of donating embryos.

I am just a blip in time.  Who cares if I am a hillbilly.  I am a happy hillbilly.  

I feel like the brunt of this decision will be carried by the child born from donor embryos.

Can you think of any other challenges I should face before making this decision?

Defining mother

Big developments on this end.  It seems we might have a match for a recipient family.  I wasn't looking yet, but maybe it came looking for me.

Do I believe things happen for a reason?  Sometimes.  But the phrase makes me want to scratch the speaker's eyes out.  Can I scratch out my own eyes?

There is one big factor I hadn't really considered yet.  Jay.  How will he feel about it all?  It has really thrown me for a loop.  When the embryo adoption plan was formed Jay was more of an idea than a person.  Now he is a give/take real live person.  Shouldn't the impact it could have on him be considered?  Same for Toddlerina.  Hell, hers is even more complicated.

It also sounds ridiculous.  Poor, poor you if the biggest problem you face in your young adult life is accepting full or partial brothers and sisters exist out there in the big world.  Life can throw much more gruesome problems your way.

But I initiated this so called problem.

But why did I do it?

I have to admit for me, there is nothing noble about donating embryos.  I am glad the recipient family benefits.  Of course I am.  But I am not donating to help them.  I am doing this for my embryos.  I am doing this for my unborn children.

Are those the right words?  I consider them my children.  I guess I have no blood relation to them.  You could challenge me and say they are not my children.  But they are.

So how can I let someone else raise my children?

If the other family doesn't raise them... they won't get raised.  They won't get to be here and live and breathe and be happy and sad and joyful and all the pairs of opposites you can think of.

My head is exploding.

Father, don't forget the Infertile

My church asked the mothers to stand today.  The priest called all the moms down around the altar for a special blessing.  I was sitting upstairs, but you can bet I busted my ass to get down there to be a part of it.

I included everyone in the mom's prayers.  The church's version felt a little exclusionary.  I noticed certain women who remained seated.  I made sure we were all included in the blessing with the version in my head.  

You don't need a baby in the crib to be a Momma.  You just want one.

On the way out I waited in the long line to ask Father Jack to say some special prayers for the Fertically Challenged.  He gave me an auto response affirming he would, then it seemed to click with him.  He repeated himself, saying he would pray and gave me a real promise to do so, looking me in the eye and hearing my request.

Not for the faint of heart

What does finished feel like.

I have never been good at tracking my own limits.  Binge is a verb I once knew.

When do you stop planning The Next Great Thing.

How do you recognize contentment.

Can you binge on babies.

It hurts when I start to mourn things still in progress.  I get a little teary eyed when he moves up in his diaper size.  I think about the eventual last feeding session with him and my heart seizes.  The finality of it all knocks the wind out of me.

If I master my thoughts and become present in the moment, it is clear.  Actually, it is magnificent.  I have everything I need.  We are finished.  Our family is complete.

It's just that clarity fades when I think I may never come this way again.

Finally, something good to say

I hope this picture makes you happy for the weekend.

Big E's tail is blurry because it is, as always, wagging.

(Laundry left in frame to add a little color.)

Have a good one and be sure to tell the ones you love that you love them.

No one left when they came for me

When did my blog get all holy?

I am finding it harder and harder to keep the church out of my business.

I am in the early stages of collecting agency names to donate our remaining embryos.  I have a handful of criteria.  I want to be able to influence the recipient family based on open adoption terms and consideration of same sex couples.

Aaaaaand: cue the holy rollers.

These sites are riddled with religion.  Seems they care more about "Non Christians Need Not Apply" than anything else.  Some sites boast of being "Religion - neutral".  But it is still there in my face: religion.

Sigh. 

But wait.  Wasn't I just posting it up about me and my new BFF the Catholic Church?  Yeah, but sometimes I wonder what I am doing.  You know how bad Dr. Google is when you are symptom tracking?  Let me tell you it is just as bad when you go looking for more Catholics like me.  All I can find are a bunch of narrow minded jackmongers who are Catholic and spouting anti IVF. 

I don't have a bend to chose same sex couple.  Since we are not one, I assume it might be less likely we would choose one, but I don't want that decision made for me.

I think I might be painting myself into a corner.  Looking for a fight.  I sent emails to all the agencies I could find with a polite one liner email: do you allow adoptions by same sex couples?  The responses are telling.

Everyone assumed I was gay.  Some agencies were respectful and encouraged me to consider another agency.  One ignored my emails.  Multiple emails.  Funny, the response I got from that same agency when I told them I was holding, not buying.

I am tabulating it all and will publish my results.  It seems like the way to avoid the issue is to put a Married Couples Only sign on the door.  What bullshit.

How I wish I was not so combative.  I cannot tell you how much I want to garb my babies in THATS RIGHT I AM A PRODUCT OF IVF GET OVER YOUR HOLY SELF.

On Easter.

I just don't know how my priest had the right to go so very against the grain.