Don't try to get on top of it

Wisdom words from the thera-puncturist, but I bet at least some of you automatically blurted "thats what she said", right?

I went in for a session today feeling I needed more the therapy than the puncture.  I feel a little detached from this round.  The normal me bleeds and sweats the details.  I am just too busy to get under it all this time.

I cannot help but to feel guilty that I am not jamming bamboo under my nails to make this happen.  Isn't the intensity of suffering directly proportionate to the percentage of success?  

If it were only that simple, we would all have babies.  I still cannot shake the feeling I should be forcing mediation, drinking ass flavored tea, avoiding wheat or air, and choking down some damn Royal Jelly even though we are donor egg.

Today my acupuncturist told me being present was the best practice I could follow.

She compared it with surfing.  You can sit on the shore and watch the surfers move through the waves.  They make it look easy.  Enjoy the show because the minute you try to get on top of it, everything falls apart.

I don't do her story justice, but she told me not to try and get on top of it.  Align yourself with your goal and then let go.

I hope this one finds a little place to curl up with our friend egghunt and keep her warm.

I am a clever bitch

Look what I wore today to celebrate Day 1 of Lupron....

I was so busy trying to hide my face behind the camera, I forgot to suck it in.  

Not as clever.

Pretty sure this isnt the look he had in mind for tonight

Toddlerina has been sick since Wednesday of last week.  I have seen 4 am every day for a week due to said illness.  Doesn't everyone shower at 8pm?

My washing machine is broken.  Doesn't everyone wear shapeless shirts belonging to their partner?

The one that could be the real kicker?  I ordered Lupron today.

But it made me oddly happy.  Unsexy, yes, but HAPPY!

Happy Valentines Day to you and your families, existing and in progress.

Cyst free and BCP

All clear and scheduled for a March 15 FET.  No reason to expect cancelation again but I guess there is always that risk.  Regular schedule, nothing added.  I am BCP for a couple wks and start Lupron next week.

I hope it goes well.  I now share an office with a gal who I like very much.  She is a very conservative Catholic - I want to use the word Orthodox, but it doesn't sound right.  We all know how those Catholics feel about ART.  Still, I gave her the heads up that I typically bury the bodies when I am on Lupron.  She seems ok with it and I would really regret having to take her life.

Things have changed a bit on my end.  My job has gotten better as I have a new position.  I haven't cared about a job in a long time.  In fact, not sure I ever did, but I sure cared about the money.  Now I do something I enjoy.  The money is much less, but I am happy.  Go figure.   I work for a national cancer treatment center.  I am not patient facing, just an IT hack, but it feels good to be closer to something that matters to me.

Anyhow, I am trying to get it all sorted out.  Work life, home life, next Take Home Baby life (not necessarily in that order).  My boss sent me a career plan and I read it for once.  I never used to read that sort of thing.  I sent thank you cards that were due from November last year.  I took care of a collection agency chasing me for $38.  I actually have the money, just not the time to pay the bill.

Welcome to the whole new me.  I still haven't worked out since 1974, but that might change too.  Next year.  I don't know, that one is too hard.

I am always there reading but usually a week late, right?  I let the reader fill up so much it weighs on my mind and I start to feel guilty.  What the hell is that?  That isn't what our blog houses are for.

My comments at your house are thinning and I regret it.  Comments are the whole reason I started this blog.  I felt like I had to let every person know I was there and I loved what they wrote, etc.  I am a blog loving fool now and I read so many it amazes me how easy it is to keep it straight in my head.  I hang on every word.  Many of you know this as I am also a ball buster when you go silent.  Ha.  Infertile bossy bitch that I am.

Always here, getting a little quieter as I enter DE FET #1 of 1, cyst free, wine-and-coffee-free-dammit, lovingly yours,

Roccie

The Year of the Rabbit

Look what the blizzard dragged in - it is Aunt Flo!

Welcome you nasty, but necessary, step on my way to FET.

I am heading in tomorrow to Large Fertility Operation to confirm my guest house has only room for one - the cyst OR Aunt Flo.

Since the old bag is here, surely that means the cyst has rolled on to stray dog pastures... as in I don't want stray dogs to get pregnant, not I want them to suffer.

I saw my acupuncturist today.  She gave me delicious goodies to take away.

She told me it is good that my period is here now.  Naturally, unassisted and in sync with the new moon.  The way a period she be scheduled.  With the cycles of the moon.  Cracks me up.

She also celebrated my mensing to the beat of Chinese New Year.  Welcome Year of the Rabbit.  No joke, I googled it and here is what I found: 

A placid year, very much welcomed and needed after the ferocious year of the Tiger. We should go off to some quiet spot to lick our wounds and get some rest after all the battles of the previous year. 

My acupuncturist makes me laugh.  She told me that she is a Rabbit herself.  She tells me the Rabbit is playful, joyful and lucky.  Now THAT is a sign, right?

If I follow the Chinese calendar, I am not behind schedule for our Year of the Take Home Baby.  I am right on schedule.  Today is the first day of the rest of the Year of the Rabbit and the Year of the Take Home Baby.

Come on home, Baby.  We are waiting on you.

So much for my privacy

Why do I write this as Roccie?  Why don't I own up to all of this?

I am deliberate about keeping myself under the radar.  My name is fake, husband's and IVF#2 toddler's name is fake.  My fertility clinic is disguised.  I even disguise the other clinic where I did my first IVF cycle and I don't owe them a thing.

Role call: anyone here from real life reading this right now that found me through a well intended "like" from my King Dipshit brother?

Sigh.  I have been outed.

My guess is they would quickly become bored and stop reading.  My fear is all they take away from this is that I am a nutcase and bought a skin baby.  Damn.

I have been thinking a lot about my fit with the baby cloning comment.  While she is stupid, I don't think she was actually calling donor egg babies cloned.  I googled that business up and low and behold, some fucker in Italy is actually doing it.  Sigh.

Why would I jump to those conclusions?  Why am I so defensive about using donor eggs?

I cannot answer it yet.  I need to figure this out.  Why do I care if someone in real life reads this?  I don't know what I am trying to hide.

Yeah, I am a little embarrassed I am taking anti-depressants.  I joke about it a lot, but mostly because I feel worse if I pretend I am not.  Does the real life reader take the time to understand how a stillborn daughter affects you?  Probably not.  That reader doesn't read enough to understand what not being able to have children does to you.  All they take away is that I cannot cope.

I am glad I took the time to write it out.  I don't care who knows about donor eggs in real life.  But why would I jump to conclusions and want to throw down over the cloning comment?  I don't know but I need to understand it.

In other news, no period in sight.  I will head back into Large Fertility Operation this week to vag cam it up and see what lingers.  Aunt Flo you are a miserable cow but please come pick up your equally hated Cystic Bitch Sister.

You think IVF is baby cloning? Are you kidding me?

If I hadn't been there myself, I would have thought the story was exaggerated.  I mean, she is an adult.  In the free world.  She is allowed to drive a vehicle, for fuck's sake.


Here is the story.  I won't draw the conclusion for you, but I am interested if you come up with the same one as me in the end.


This has a happy ending, for anyone who is already worried.  I did not show the inner rage that was making it difficult to hear the ignorant bullshit flowing from her giant yap.  She should thank her lucky stars I was not on Lupron.  I would likely have ripped her tongue out and stuffed it in her ear.


I knew this woman was trouble the day I met her.  Despite my early warnings, our friendship has progressed to occasional coffee before we pick up at school.  Why didn't I trust my gut?  I think I was too geeked up to have my first "mom friends".


This is as close to verbatim as possible.  I resist all embellishments or color commentary.


She knows I have an IVF baby.  She has the potential to know we have endured over a year of failures, but only from brief references to it.  We don't talk about it.


But it came up today at coffee.


I was explaining how baby number two was a little harder than The Common Fertile might understand.  How we have had to cancel a lot this year.  She has no idea what that means.  I bundled it all into one anonymous bucket - retrievals and transfers - to cancelations.  She knows nothing of the donor eggs.


She said she thinks Assisted Reproductive technologies are "a blessing".  Then she goes Mel Gibson on me.


The Mouth: I am all for organ donation - like a liver or something.  But I draw the line at cloning babies.


Me: No one is cloning babies.


The Mouth:  Yes, they are.  Most people don't talk about it.


Me:  No one is cloning babies.


The Mouth: Oh yes, they can grow them like skin, then donate them. (She wrinkles her nose, like she smells something bad.)


Me:  They are not cloning babies.


Then, I cannot really hear the rest of the conversation, as the blood is boiling so loudly in my ears.  It gets a little awkward from my point of view.  She senses something is off and I am doing my best to pretend I am listening to her.  


What.  Are you still talking.  I think so.  I see your mouth moving.


My initial question in this post was to confirm she was talking about donor eggs.  I don't care anymore.  Though I think she was.  I want to take this chance to document why I didn't let loose The Rage of a Mother in Limbo.


I do this for my unborn child.  I do this for my nine babies on ice.  A cutting response that puts The Mouth into place doesn't further my cause.


I have at least 5 years before this "issue" might come to light when my yet-unborn baby announces to the kindergarten class that s/he is from a Special Gift Egg.  I have a long, long time to get my head around that unavoidable and potentially awkward moment.


I can educate the parents and the children.  If the mother thinks like this, the child will too.  All that ugly stuff is learned.  Instead of cutting her to the bone (immediate satisfaction) I can sit with my story and let it marinade a little longer.  Tell the story they way it should unfold (long term opportunity).


Parenting is some hard ass stuff and this baby isn't even born.