Sunday, January 30, 2011

So much for my privacy

Why do I write this as Roccie?  Why don't I own up to all of this?

I am deliberate about keeping myself under the radar.  My name is fake, husband's and IVF#2 toddler's name is fake.  My fertility clinic is disguised.  I even disguise the other clinic where I did my first IVF cycle and I don't owe them a thing.

Role call: anyone here from real life reading this right now that found me through a well intended "like" from my King Dipshit brother?

Sigh.  I have been outed.

My guess is they would quickly become bored and stop reading.  My fear is all they take away from this is that I am a nutcase and bought a skin baby.  Damn.

I have been thinking a lot about my fit with the baby cloning comment.  While she is stupid, I don't think she was actually calling donor egg babies cloned.  I googled that business up and low and behold, some fucker in Italy is actually doing it.  Sigh.

Why would I jump to those conclusions?  Why am I so defensive about using donor eggs?

I cannot answer it yet.  I need to figure this out.  Why do I care if someone in real life reads this?  I don't know what I am trying to hide.

Yeah, I am a little embarrassed I am taking anti-depressants.  I joke about it a lot, but mostly because I feel worse if I pretend I am not.  Does the real life reader take the time to understand how a stillborn daughter affects you?  Probably not.  That reader doesn't read enough to understand what not being able to have children does to you.  All they take away is that I cannot cope.

I am glad I took the time to write it out.  I don't care who knows about donor eggs in real life.  But why would I jump to conclusions and want to throw down over the cloning comment?  I don't know but I need to understand it.

In other news, no period in sight.  I will head back into Large Fertility Operation this week to vag cam it up and see what lingers.  Aunt Flo you are a miserable cow but please come pick up your equally hated Cystic Bitch Sister.


  1. Real life reader may not understand.
    But I DO and I'm glad you write.

  2. You are coping. Taking antidepressants is the epitome of coping. Because it means you asked for what YOU NEEDED. For what your family needed.

    You posted on my blog about PPD that knowing that I took them made you feel less cheap. You, my friend, are the opposite of cheap. You are so pure gold that I often don't feel worthy of calling you my friend.

    Whether or not some idiot is actually cloning people overseas, my guess is crazy mom date didn't know that either. It's easy to get defensive about the things people say and it is hard to ask for what they mean sometimes. But guess what? That's ok. It's part of what makes you human. And I believe you'd have known - you'd have known if she was someone you could really have a heart to heart about it...and you knew she wasn't. Trust yourself.


  3. I've been thinking about this very same thing. I used to say it was because I didn't want anyone from work to figure it out -- you know, have my colleagues privy to the latest goings-on in my vagina. But as a mom and freelancer I no longer have a boss. So why do I care if someone knows my name is Jennifer and I live in Boston?

    I guess it's kind of like going undercover. We can say what we're afraid to say, because no one is going to judge us in our everyday lives over it.

    Just because someone is actually cloning babies (which...eew) doesn't mean that person had to open her fat mouth about it while in your company. You are being so generous to her at your expense. You don't need to be responsible for interpreting what she says in the best light. Of course you are sensitive about DE issues -- it is a sensitive, and deeply personal, issue.

    Bottom line: No matter what your real name is, you've got a lot of friends here who see you, the real, uncensored you, and really like what we see.

  4. Hi Roc:

    As a long-term Depression Fighter I feel the need to protect my right (and need) to take related medication. Depression is kinda like infertility in a sense: it is largely invisible to those not inflicted with the condition, and more likely to be appreciated by fellow travellers in the whole deal. Justification to a wider world is tempting, but completely pointless. The population at large will never bother to understand, why risk your identity (and that of your hubby, your child, and any future children) over such a personal issue? Besides, I am certain your cloning friend was expressing a general ignorance about all ART methods in that whole "IVF is Frankenstein territory" that some fertiles are known to express. Sure, some criticize the use of donor materials, but many don't approve the use of science at all. While there is nothing to be embarassed about there is plenty to protect....but never fear, your dignity remains as intact as that bleepin' cyst! Best wishes for the cyst removal!

    LS x

  5. Roccie, my life would be so much less rich if you didn't write. I would never have known you and laughed and wept with you, would never have come to adore you as I do. So I am foreverandever grateful that you're here. This community is essential to those of us dealing with shit that the FB populace doesn't get. I hope that any mess that was made by WMB (Whore-Mouth Brother) is able to be cleaned up, if it hasn't already been. That feeling of violation of our privacy is a total suckfest. Now let's get this period thing figured out. Love you.

  6. Nothing smart to say this morning...but I'm thinking of you.

  7. No one can know what it feels like to be in our shoes unless they themselves have had to deal with it. And even then - each of our stories is different. We can never know exactly how the other is coping or feeling and so we cannot judge.

    You are coping the best way you can and that is all you can ask. Take care. Good luck with the vag cam!

  8. It's hard to be anonomous. I goofed a few weeks ago and posted a pic with my full name on it and the clinic where it was taken. Plus I know if you google me you can find out all sorts of professional info on me. Ha ha. I give up.

    I am sorry you were outed when you didn;t want to be. Good luck with you appointment. THinking of you.

  9. I don't care if Coffee Frenemy was right (on a technicality) about cloning Skin Babies(TM) -- I still say she deserves a taco punch. But that's just me. *shrug*

    I was thisclose to using donor eggs. We magically hit one out the of the park on our third and final IVF cycle, the "ohwhogivesafucklet'stryitandsee" cycle. So, somewhat irrationally but nevertheless, I get super up in arms about people saying my son looks like my husband and not at all like me (which is funny, because he has light hair and eyes like me, not my husband and his swarthy Italian family). I know exactly why it bugs me: because I was thisclose to having a baby (hopefully) that would not have shared my DNA. I don't say this to poke at you, just to share my own neurosis about something that to this day is irrelevant. I also still get hella pissed by the fecund making asinine comments about pregnancy, birth, and childraising as if it's no biggie. Or when people announce their pregnancy on fb at 5 weeks (while the pee is still drying on the goddamned stick). Why do I care? I dunno. I just do. Infertility has made me some kind of fucked up crusader. I got robbed of all the blissful ignorance and unicorn magic of getting and staying pregnant, and having the baby. And yet I get no prize for it, no extra bonus sleep points or cry-free days as a trade off. So I guess I just get extra pissed that I have this knowledge and worry burden that so many others never have to even consider. Maybe you have the same feelings. Or maybe I'm just a raging bitch and am way off base.

    As for being outed -- yeah, I kept my close inner circle in the know, but no one else. My husband's family got clued in a little after I rebuffed one too many asshole comments about how lucky we were not to have children wrecking our house (when we had been trying for over a year with a severe MFI diagnosis and a lot of ART). Part of me wants to educate people, but another (more cynical) part of me thinks most people (like Coffee Whore) are too stupid to be educated. Hope that the outing doesn't ruin your blogging reprieve or bring too much stress.

  10. It's unpleasant to be outed because this is supposed to be the safe place to let out the ugly feelings.

  11. As long as anyone who knows you in real life don't judge. If they do, we'll beat 'em up. Asking them to understand is probably too much.

    As far as I know, people don't go the donor egg route because they've always longed for a child that is not related to them. To me it seems like a hard choice--you give something up. And while you get something amazing, God willing, no matter how okay you are with it, maybe there's always a wound there, a little extra sensitivity. Or maybe I'm talking out of my ass. If so, slap me. Anyway, I think I'm hyper sensitive about IF in general and any procedure I now intimately in particular--might just go with the territory.

  12. Ugh!! I worry too about being "outed"...whatever, right? Screw IRL've got us who know what you're going thru. Really hope AF shows soon.

  13. I for one am so thankful you write, I LOVE your writing, your honesty and authenticity. And although some may not understand many on here do understand, thats why we support each other because we know the depths of grief for which you have survived, we know of the struggles to build a family, and that you endure in spite of it all because you my friend are an amazing, fantastic woman!
    BTW, I also jumped to conclusions and was ready to throw down with clone lady.

  14. I hide, as well. Though I prefer to think of it as going incognito. Why? Because it's my right. and because I have the right to vent without being afraid of offending someone. I don't think it's a bad thing to self-disguise. We are women of international mystery, after all.

    Very, very sorry if any outing has occurred. Ach, your brother. Heart of gold, I am sure. Poor guy. He is building up a sizable karmic debt to his sis.

    Cyst, be gone already. You have overstayed your welcome.

  15. Sorry you got outed because of the King dipshit incident. But that post was so awesome. I laughed my ass off.

    Listen lady, I'm so completely glad and thankful that you write. You can call yourself Roccie, or you can use your real name, or you can just say that form now on you are 39234791. It don't matter to me; as long as you write. Your posts are genuine, funny, and brilliant. That's because YOU, as a person, are genuine, funny and brilliant. And you are going through stuff, and we understand that stuff, and you understand the stuff that we are going through (I'm using the technical, psychological terms here). I don't know WHY you write, but I thank my lucky stars that indeed you DO write. Your presence means a lot to me.

    And let me underline my satisfaction with hearing you talk about the donor egg thing. I'm happy you are talking about it. There is so much there for you to take out and look at. It's one thing for someone (like say, me) to go after DE because their ovaries have never worked. It's quite another to have had functioning ovaries who just quit at 39. I think about that difference and wonder how it feels to have to accept DE after having had eggs, versus DE with a total absence of eggs.

    Anyway, I'm writing a novel. I just want to give you a hug and tell you I think you're amazing, Roccie.

  16. Part of me feels guilty that I have this bloggy world that my real life peeps don't know about. And I have come close to outing myself to them on more than one occaision. But I think its ok to want to be anonymous. I think we are allowed to want to have some privacy. Hell, we have 46 people look up our vagina's in any given week, so cut a girl some slack if she tries to claw back her privacy by other means.

    But honestly Roccie, I think those that know you would read this post and understand. They wouldnt judge. Or if they do, screw them. You are brilliant, and funny, and have a big heart, and a lot of life left to live. The ADs are just a tool to help you along your way, they don't define you. YOU define you. You are brilliant.

    I hope the cystic bitch has gone. I really do.

  17. Don't stop writing. Please. I'm out and have been out for a while, and my honesty changes the people who know me IRL. I am not totally open on my blog during cycles cause ryan can't take the microscope but sometimes I wish I could be. <3 <3 <3

  18. I'm so sorry you've been outed. It isn't that you're hiding anything but rather that you're airing out what you're feeling in a safe place. It's hard to explain to people the comfort to be had from the anonymity of our blogs. It is a wonderful place to complain and say nasty snarky things when we need to get them out - things we wouldn't say to people in real life for fear of hurting them or them just not understanding.

    I know you've been waiting on AF but I see you've just recently tweeted that she arrived - yay!

    Also - I've awarded you a blog award (or three?). If you feel like participating the details are over on my page.

  19. Hi Roccie, just stopped by to let you know that I have nominated you for an award!!

  20. Roccie - I love your writing too and you constantly crack me up. I battle all the time about my blog because I am outed to the real world and sometimes people IRL will say things to me about what they read on my blog and at times it is some stupid shit. I always outed myself though because I decided in the very beginning of this great debacle that I was going to at least try and educate the morons who say dumb crap, who sneeze and get pregnant, and who complain about everything related to being pregnant, having babies, etc. At times it is hard because I find myself not saying everything I really want to say for fear of offending people IRL and also for fear of getting myself in trouble for calling people out on my blog for stupid things they have said. My attitude is screw them. If they don't like then don't read it. But I will tell you that every time I get some dumbass comment about stuff I immediately launch into my infertility statistics, adoption statistics, or explain what it means to not have two freakin' fallopian tubes (a little sex ed thrown in there) depending on the comment. I'm rambling here but you get it and I get what you say. Also I'm on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds and I'll be honest I couldn't live without them. I have been on/off meds for years because of substantial depression and finally realized late into my 20's that being on them was so much easier than fighting to be off of them. I'm not ashamed of it and tell everyone I know. I also go to counseling twice a month too and everyone knows that as well. If they think I'm crazy, well we all are in our own ways. Hang in there love!

  21. Being outed sucks. I was private to only my coworkers and then one fine day, I was leading an online meeting and when it was over I forgot to stop "sharing" my desktop...and then went to my blog to read my blogroll. I quickly realized my fuckup and closed all the windows. Within minutes I went to blogger to see if I had any unusual/sudden traffic and I saw a buttload of queries for my name + my blog name. Busted!! So now I just assume everyone knows and I've stopped hiding. I could kick myself for blowing my cover. Ugh!! I'm grateful that no one said anything to me though.

    I know how it makes you feel like you've got a flying saucer in your stomach when you've been outed. Hopefully it stays squelched and you don't have to live with too much crap over it.

    Hugs to you,