Wednesday, January 19, 2011

How to give yourself a Black Swan Massage

Or...


How to Increase Blood Flow to Your Ovaries


as told by Roccie



  1. Place your fingers on your pubic bone.  Where is the pubic bone?  Push, you can feel it.  Depending on your waxing status, it may be just in the top of your hairline.

  2. Walk over about 2-3 fingertip lengths to the side.  It isn't that far.  Feel for a little recession in your abdomen, or in my case, a bulging mofo cyst.

  3. Use your middle and ring fingers to rub in small circles.  Massage both clockwise and counter clockwise.

  4. Enjoy this blood invigorating massage for several minutes.  Invite your cyst to hit the fucking road.

  5. Rub the heel of your hand over the area downward a few times to settle the ovary back into place.  Point your fingers upward, like you were kneading bread.  I think this is how you knead bread.

  6. Do both sides, regardless of cyst residence.  You don't want to be uneven.

For Black Swan style?  You didn't think I was going to ruin the movie, did you???

Cyst is back.  Cyst is bigger.  February is canceled.

My doctor called to break the news.  I always know it is a shit show when she is on the line.  My fantasy?  She calls after our FET to tell us we are pregnant next time.  No way in hell I am ever POAS again.

Even though we have canceled a January and February transfer, this has only been around since 5-Jan.  We give it a month and wait for my period which likely also indicates the cyst has ruptured.  

Maybe I pull a move like our friend R?  There is a waaaaaaaay outside chance there is an egg in there.  Go, R, go.  I celebrate your heartbeat with all I have got!

Please head on over to R's house and celebrate the legend.  I got nothing to report here.

;)

Love,
The Roccie Ass Road
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16 comments:

  1. LuluJanuary 19, 2011 at 6:53 PM

    Dude I'm straight as an arrow but that sex scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis was HOT.

    *cough* anyway, I'm fucking pissed for you about your cyst. Can a sister catch a damn break around here? Jesus.

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  2. gwinneJanuary 19, 2011 at 6:56 PM

    So this will be the least helpful comment in the world, but...seriously, there's nothing to do but wait it out? No hcg trigger, no progesterone to bring on a period sooner, nothing? I'd be going out of my mind. I'm so sorry, Roccie.

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  3. Mad HatterJanuary 19, 2011 at 7:06 PM

    With my luck I won't put my ovaries back in the right place and then I'll really be fucked.

    Do you know Junebug? She drank some concoction and used visualization to get rid of her cyst over the summer...worth checking out?

    Out you stupid damn cyst!!

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  4. AnonymousJanuary 19, 2011 at 7:17 PM

    Ah Roccie...I am sorry you are cancelled again. Are they gonna aspirate the mofo? Your luck has GOT to change...just has to.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mad HatterJanuary 19, 2011 at 7:25 PM

    Mr. Hatter's not in the mood so I may be SOL tonight...okay, here's the link to Junebug's blog back in April when she was at the beginning of Operation Kill Cecil the Cyst (it has a happy ending, so just keep reading the posts that follow to get to the magic potion and visualization stuff...):

    http://junebugsmusings.blogspot.com/2010/04/freaky-friday.html

    XOXO
    Love,
    Maddy

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  6. rebeccaJanuary 19, 2011 at 7:37 PM

    Ugh..so sorry my friend, that damn cyst is so needing to move on! Maybe third months a charm?

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  7. Mrs. MisfitsJanuary 19, 2011 at 10:13 PM

    Shit. I am sorry RockE. I am intrigued by the legend, so using my sample of one, I claim now that you have a 50/50 chance that it's an egg. Otherwise, I'd like to nag that cyst into bursting for you so you can get this show on the road.

    I sense that I will not see Black Swan. Ruin away. I imagine there's some pubic writhing, a cyst and kneading dough. Sounds like a charmer. ;)

    Okay, 2011 is starting off with some forks, but the main Roccie Road is just over this hill. You'll be back to just the regular road instead of the Ass road soon. I swear.

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  8. NJanuary 20, 2011 at 3:19 AM

    Sorry to hear that. Cyst be gone already!

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  9. Elaine VanDRiverJanuary 20, 2011 at 5:29 AM

    I'm sorry Roccie. I hope that nasty cyst gets evicted soon.

    ReplyDelete
  10. AdeleJanuary 20, 2011 at 7:30 AM

    Fuck:( Fucking cyst. (See how I'm loosening up on the cursing front? Within days I will out-pottymouth any trucker in the land).

    I hate false starts - and limbo - more than anything. You've had more than your fair share here and I am hoping the universe cries uncle.

    Just read R's story. My God. There is goodness and wonder and fantastic-ness in the world. Thanks for that link. It has lifted my sails.

    ReplyDelete
  11. MichaelaJanuary 20, 2011 at 7:47 AM

    I think waiting a month for the cyst to resolve itself is the best option. On my 1st IVF cycle I had a cyst and the RE aspirated it and it was so painful. I described the procedure as medieval! Horrible! It will be gone before you know it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. bunnyJanuary 20, 2011 at 7:51 AM

    I was expecting something a little more X-rated, but I guess I'll just have to go elsewhere for my porn.

    Like I said yesterday, I'm so sorry that fucker is not cutting you a break. Um...March is a better month to get pregnant in? I dunno--there's really no silver lining, is there?

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  13. AnonymousJanuary 20, 2011 at 8:08 AM

    Really? REALLY????? UGH. I'm so ticked for you. Sending you hugs and cyst shrinking vibes from CA. <3 u momma.

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  14. Still A Guest RoomJanuary 20, 2011 at 9:14 AM

    So sorry you are cancelled.

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  15. AugustaJanuary 20, 2011 at 4:44 PM

    Damn god awful thing, that stupid effing cyst. What the hell is it doing lingering so long? It's time to say, "here's your hat, what's your hurry", or as my stats prof in 1st year University said at the end of each class "go with God, but go."
    I like your fantasy of the doc calling about your upcoming pregnancy. I bet she will call.

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  16. lindaJanuary 20, 2011 at 8:07 PM

    OMG that so sucks about the cyst Roccie. Too bad that abdominal massage routine can't pop the darned things right out of there! But agree that these start/stop cycles just kill us. We get all ramped up for a cycle and then we're screwed. Fingers crossed that is goes away on its own fast.

    Thanks for posting how it's done. Guess it's time for to go take a bubblebath and see if I find my ovaries (hopefully they're not stuck on the back of uterus again - gah!)

    ReplyDelete

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