Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Me, a bottle of wine, and a big fat cyst

Thirteen days of 20 units of Lurpon and all I have to show for it is a canceled FET.

I am disappointed with an extended investment in Lupron for no good reason.  Aside from not reaching the ultimate goal, I have some petty reasons too.  

Hair loss.  I can see into my hairline.  Even my stylist notices it and she is an educated professional; trained to tell people they look good no matter what.  She rejected years of discipline to confirm the truth.  I am shedding like a banshee.

Sometimes it is a field mouse sized hair ball in my drain when I shower.  Other times, I get a proper chipmunk.  Shitballs.

I used to have a really short hair cut.  Boy short and darling, darling, darling.  But I was young.  And thin.  Now I am not so young and wearing my fat jeans thanks to my schedule in 2010:

  • FET #1 Miscarriage, 
  • IVF Cancel #1, 
  • IVF Cancel #2, 
  • Failed Fresh DE #1,
  • DE FET Cancel #1 and
  • eating cookies for breakfast cause I just gave up.

The Year of the Take Home Baby has 12 months.  Back in for labs and ultrasound next week to see about next month.  Dammit.  

I am really disappointed but not crushed.  Is it the meds or is it just not the right time?  I don't know.
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35 comments:

  1. PaigeJanuary 5, 2011 at 6:13 PM

    Hmm...well, maybe you could consider investing in a few stylish hats?
    And I'll join you in that bottle of wine.



    PS: Telling me I could spontaneously combust really did make me feel better...and chuckle.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ASPJanuary 5, 2011 at 6:16 PM

    Well, Hell, R. That stinks and I'm super sorry for the disappointment. Dammit. For me when I had my 4th IVF cycle cancelled, it was easier than seeing that BFN in the end. I know that this probably isn't what you want to hear, but maybe this was your body's way of not being ready for this cycle. A little more rest, my friend, until you're ready to get knocked up. Nice assvice, right? You want me to shut my whore mouth now? I will. Just know that a whole shit ton of people are here supporting you and crossing everything that can be crossed that this is *your* year of the Take Home Baby. Love you. ♥

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  3. Mad HatterJanuary 5, 2011 at 6:28 PM

    I'll take your cyst and raise you a BFN.
    2010 sucked.
    Pass the bottle of wine and the oreos.
    Here's to February.
    XOXOX
    Love,
    Maddy

    ReplyDelete
  4. LuluJanuary 5, 2011 at 6:32 PM

    Ugh. Effing cysts. Sounds like you have a good attitude, but it still blows.

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  5. PaigeJanuary 5, 2011 at 6:36 PM

    No worries, Roccie...you know me and my sense of humor by now, even if it's muffled by my crappy situation. I even posted on FB that I might spontaneously combust...unfortunately now everyone thinks I'm having hot flashes.
    xoxo

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  6. Good Egg HatchedJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:04 PM

    If I could drink wine right now I would have one for me and one for you. Bottle, not glass.

    Cancellations suck. Hair loss sucks. So far, January sucks. Pass me some of your meds.

    Hope, hope, hoping for a better February. Or even second half of January. For both of us.

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  7. The Baby Chase ProjectJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:05 PM

    It's going to be okay.. 2011 is your year!!

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  8. KathleenJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:08 PM

    ugh! so sorry. damn cysts! they suck big time. breathe and know that your body will cooperate.... eventually :-)

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  9. cdgJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:11 PM

    I am so sorry to hear this news. Thinking of you....

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  10. Mrs. MisfitsJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    Roccie, I am headed your direction with a vat of booze. Shoot. This is crushing news. Your body has been through too much. Year of baby is on notice. My thoughts and best bartending skills are headed your direction.

    ReplyDelete
  11. rebeccaJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:33 PM

    Ugh, so sorry...really freaking sucks! Hope you have a glass of delicious wine and that the appointment next week brings positive news. Glad you're feeling alright, hoping good news will soon be coming your way!

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousJanuary 5, 2011 at 9:14 PM

    Oh momma. Sigh.

    I think you should indulge in every vice possible just so because you can. But it doesn't make it any easier.

    Hugs. And a glass of pinot in your honor.

    xoxo

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  13. Dead Cow GirlJanuary 5, 2011 at 9:54 PM

    Aw shit. I'm so sorry. Enjoy your wine. Deep breath. And look towards next month.

    And enjoy your wine.

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousJanuary 5, 2011 at 10:02 PM

    1. Twenty Eleven is a fucking dick faced asshole.
    2. I'm glad you're not devastated. You're a stronger woman than I.
    3. Hairloss? Whu thu fukin fu!!!!! seriously? Fuck.
    4. Thank god for good meds.

    Here's to February. xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousJanuary 6, 2011 at 2:08 AM

    Well, crap. Fingers crossed for better luck soon.

    And hey, if Münchhausen's is your kinda thing, you can always get a headscarf and soak up the sympathy that people ought to be giving you already!

    ReplyDelete
  16. bunnyJanuary 6, 2011 at 5:32 AM

    What the fuck? Some wires got crossed somewhere, as none of this is supposed to be going down like it is. Maybe somebody forgot to file some Roccie Gets Her Baby NOW, DAMN IT paperwork? I'll look into it. In the meantime, we apologize for the inconvenience. Allow us to pay for that bottle of wine. And here's another, in case you need it.

    For serious, this suck, and I'm truly sorry for the shitty delay.

    ReplyDelete
  17. lindaJanuary 6, 2011 at 5:53 AM

    Yeah, 2010 sucked Roccie. Maddy's right on that one. I'm sorry you got cancelled again. Cysts are one of those damned things that increase with age. I never used to get them and it seems that I have one more months than I don't.

    The hair thing might be from stopping meds. Anything you went off of recently?

    I've got lots of wine (and I know where to get gluten free cookies). Head on over girl!

    ReplyDelete
  18. My VegasJanuary 6, 2011 at 6:15 AM

    cysts blow. It's not you, it's everyone. Hang on, my friend. Give it a couple of weeks. Bitch will go away.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Still A Guest RoomJanuary 6, 2011 at 7:17 AM

    So sorry!!!!

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  20. siennaJanuary 6, 2011 at 7:27 AM

    seriously, this blows. what the fuck. i'm sooo sorry roccie. like i just commented on misfit's blog, the year is starting out rough for you guys but it can ONLY GO UP from here. i will be keeping everything crossed for that stupid cyst to GO AWAY (far far away) so that you can have a picture perfect FET next month. universe, you're starting to piss me off. doesn't help that i woke up super grouchy this morning. now i just wanna go kick someone's ass.

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  21. AdeleJanuary 6, 2011 at 8:06 AM

    Damn, Roccie. This is some unfair crap that has landed in Chicagoland. And the hair:( That's insult to injury and all I can hope is that within a VERY SHORT (taking notes, universe?) time, a healthy pregnancy will transform those locks with thickness and sheen.

    But for now, I'm sorry beyond words about that freaking cyst. January is obviously dragging some of 2010's bad luck with it. But once we clear that hurdle, I am crossing everything that it will be smoother sailing.

    ReplyDelete
  22. AnonymousJanuary 6, 2011 at 8:44 AM

    Ugh, I'm sorry babe. Wtf about the Lupron and losing hair! Further confirmation that it is the devil. The DEVIL! Hopefully next week you guys can get a better plan going forward that brings you good news.

    ReplyDelete
  23. TheThirtiesGirlJanuary 6, 2011 at 9:40 AM

    Cysts suck! So sorry. In the meantime enjoy the wine and keep looking forward.

    ReplyDelete
  24. NJanuary 6, 2011 at 10:03 AM

    Poop! I believe it is always timing with pretty much everything. Hang in there.

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  25. R.January 6, 2011 at 10:07 AM

    UGH! I hate being cancelled, and I have been there... a lot. I hope when you try again, everything will be perfect. :)

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  26. Elaine VanDRiverJanuary 6, 2011 at 11:39 AM

    Oh Roccie! It is officially noon where I'm sitting, so I'm cracking open a cold one and telepathically cheersing to you and a fantastic February! And for the record, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with cookies for breakfast, tho, I do prefer chocolate cake instead.

    hugs,
    Elaine

    ReplyDelete
  27. AnonymousJanuary 6, 2011 at 3:01 PM

    What?!! Cancelled...this is incredibly unfair. I am disappointed too. Some good luck has GOT to come your way. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  28. AugustaJanuary 6, 2011 at 6:52 PM

    I recomment Pinot Noir, but a good Merlot will also do. I think red is best, given the circumstances, and full bodied too. Don't have any of that beaujolais nouveau shit, that stuff is for summer celebrations. And obviously, this is a piece of winter of your discontent.

    But winter isn't over, my dear Roccie, and 12 months is a good amount of time for babymaking.

    I'm sorry about the hairballs. That is frankly not cool, Lupron. Who do you think you are, taking Roccie's hair like that?

    ReplyDelete
  29. AnonymousJanuary 6, 2011 at 10:56 PM

    Wow im so sorry! Its only 7 days into 2011, so dont give up yet! The sun will come up tomorrow (well it will in Australia mid summer), and the dark days will clear for a bright new year!

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  30. AnonymousJanuary 7, 2011 at 1:57 AM

    Oh fuck Roccie, I'm so sorry. I know the height from which I fell from my cancelled FETs was huge so go easy on yourself. It's ok to be pissed off, this wasn't supposed to happen. Not to my Roccie. And all because of a cyst? what an insult. Its a hurdle you WILL get over, but why oh why did it even have to pop up infront of you?
    And I'm sorry for being such a distant blog friend lately. I wish I'd seen this post earlier and commented earlier.
    xxxxx Hugs

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  31. GurleeJanuary 7, 2011 at 5:54 AM

    Roccie,
    Tha blows. Such a shit-fest to deal with Lupron injections and then a cancellation. #3 will be the charm?
    And you don't have a fat ass, you are cute, cute, cute!

    ReplyDelete
  32. AnonymousJanuary 8, 2011 at 4:31 AM

    Wait a minute, what's wrong with cookies for breakfast?

    ReplyDelete
  33. HopeBPatientJanuary 8, 2011 at 6:07 AM

    Being often in the land of unwanted cysts myself, I totally commiserate with you. Sorry about your FET being cancelled. Hang in there (preferably with plenty of breakfast cookies and wine!)

    ReplyDelete
  34. AnonymousJanuary 10, 2011 at 6:08 AM

    Well... shit. I'm so sorry Roccie. Canceled. It's so harsh and unfair. To not at least get a real go at it. I'm bumming for you, my dear. Please hang in there. There is still a lot of time for this to be your year. Hugs (from your prematurely graying/thinning pal)

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  35. JessicaJanuary 12, 2011 at 3:27 PM

    Hey! I just swept by your blog. Found it through a mutual friend's. Wishing the best for you and looking forward to following your journey. Cysts SUCKeth.

    ~Jess
    http://bringingyoumorethanasong.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete

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