Thursday, October 7, 2010

I'd like to announce my candidacy for Motherhood in 2011

I called a press conference and no one came, so here is how it would have gone down if anyone had really cared to hear it....

AP: Roccie.  You announced you are back in the running for Motherhood in 2011.  Isn't this a misnomer?

Roccie: Yes, in some ways it is.  I am actually running for another term of Motherhood.  I have a daughter that lives with me.  I also have a daughter who died in my 24th week of pregnancy that I would rather not discuss.

AP: Exactly.  Hey, Roccie.  What is with all the anger in your last post?  Help us to reconcile your message of hope posted only minutes before a fuck-laden rant about something that happened long ago... 

Roccie: (interrupts) I will reduce my swear words in the new year as part of my campaign.

AP:  Why are you coming out now about a pregnancy loss that was well before our time? 

Roccie:  I blame the hope addict in me.  I published a post about hope and it felt saccharine sweet to me.  Anyone who knows me in real life would never call me "sweet".  I wanted to tell the people Hope isn't a pile of bullshit on the shelf at Hallmark.  I wanted to tell them I have seen the bottom and I didn't care if I crawled my way out or not.  Anyone who has ever posted something about feeling down has felt the wrath of my 4 page comment.

AP:  But Roccie, I was just having a bad hair day in that post and you took it all heavy and shit...

Roccie: (interrupts)  There are a couple hot buttons for me - hope and pain.  They cannot be separated.  I just wish I was a good writer.  I wish I could pull out of my head all of the encouragement I have for everyone.

I am the Real Deal.  I was living a shit show and I occasionally still struggle with it.  My hope is that you might read what happened to me, see where I am now, and make a plan to build hope for yourself too.

It is an ugly story, but sadly I know someone else will find herself in the same place.  This story isn't for me anymore.  In fact, I probably wont tell it here, but at Band Back Together where it can be searched and found.

I was not sure I wanted to tell you at all.  The post about the ultrasound sat in draft since spring of this year.  I read a post from Adele and it talked about my sticker.  Word for word what I had written.  It was a sign.  I wanted to comment about it, but I could not.  I was still in the closet about my loss.  My actual comment is wan and thin; digging for humor because it ripped a scab right off my heart.

I don't want to dwell on it.  This loss doesn't define me, but it did for a very long time.

I thought you should know I lost a pregnancy in my 23rd week and 6th day.

I will keep the Dark Ages below the surface.  That is where it always is, just under every conscious moment of every single day.

You want hope?

Guess who starts Lupron this weekend?

This Old Momma.


  1. You always have gut bustin' funny posts! Anyway, to respond to a few questions you left on my comments after my regroup meeting with my doctor earlier this week - acupuncture is recommended twice a week prior to transfer. Also acupuncture is recommended just before and immediately after transfer and that's it. Doctor does not want me to continue acupuncture while in two week wait or while pg is in progress. Also, I am on Synthroid medication as during my one day work up at CCRM in June, it was discovered I had an elevated TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) of 5.0 indicating slight hypothyroidism. Apparently, TSH values higher than 3.5 is implicated in miscarriages. So I am taking the lowest dose of Synthroid (25 mcg) to get my TSH level below 3.2. Last check it was at 1.9 and I'll have to keep monitoring the TSH levels throughout the pg as I understand a pg naturally raises your TSH.

    Hope this helps and I am flattered you find my blog posts of interest. Take care and good luck on your upcoming transfer - Lupron this weekend? YAY!!

  2. Of course what is not funny was your loss long sorry I wanted make sure. I guess that's the CDN in me...making sure I don't tick anyone off!

  3. I saw that in your last post and did not know what to say. I am so sorry you had that happen to you.

    I WILL VOTE FOR YOU! I'll even go to different pol.ling locations and vo.te MULTIPLE times. :)

  4. You. Are. Awesome.

    I vote for you every day and twice on Sunday.

    <3 <3 <3

  5. "Hope and pain cannot be separated." is exactly right. There are so many people who really don't understand that sentiment. I do find that it is easier to hope for others, though. So for you, I am hoping with all I've got.

    Bring on the Lupron. You are going to take this IF mo'fo' down!

  6. I'm glad you shared this piece of your journey, though not because I ever felt you were saccharine or sweet or hadn't suffered enough without this ultimate tragedy, but maybe just because somebody sometime might say something that might help YOU as a result of knowing this. It sure won't be me... All I can say is that you're amazing. And you ARE a good writer. Your style ain't all flowery and shit, but that don't mean it isn't beautiful and moving.

  7. I love you, woman. Seriously. You roccie my world. I'm so glad you've shared more of your journey in all its fullness, because I want to know your story. So I'll go wherever I need to in order to read it. All you, straight down my ballot. And not a good writer? Booshit.

  8. Roccie,
    You provide really wonderful encouragement and hope and I think your writing style is really unique and engaging. Point in fact - what a creative post and so poignant!

    And I am sorry that I didn't realize that you were revealing a very painful and, up to that point, private part of your life. I don't even want to imagine what that a 23 week loss is like. That shit tests a person's will to live.

    Step into your hope now, girl. You don't have to apologize for being happy OR for feeling pain - even if they occur in the SAME MINUTE. Not here.

  9. Can I be your campaign manager? Maybe we could run on a double ticket? My god you have been through it. And here you are. Incredibly strong and incredibly inspiring.

  10. Roccie I think you ARE a great writer. I like that there are no flowers and unicorns (or smurfs, yes of course I know what smurfs are!) on your blog. Soft and flowery posts make me feel like a bitch because I just can't stomach eating flowers, they make me sick.

    As for your loss, well I am so sorry. I've often wished there was a better word to use than 'sorry' in these situations. I mean what good is it to you if I am sorry? But I am. And it's not fair. It's so fucking heartbreaking that you have to carry this grief around with you. I don't know what to say but I know its not something you can just push under the carpet so if you need to get your story out (for YOU) then I hope you feel comfortable doing that here.

    I'm glad you found Adele's post and were able to start the process of verbalising what you've been through.

    We love you Roccie and I can't wait for you to get all sweaty and flushed from that dragon called Lupron.

  11. You really are a great writer. I'm sorry to say I'm just catching up on your posts; my internet was out for a few days.

    I hate to play Pain Olympics, but oh honey. I cannot imagine what that must have been like, and I am kicking myself for blubbering on and on about my own "rough times". (((Hugs)))

    I hope the Lupron treats you well. If only there were actual voting for Motherhood, I would steal my grandma's cemetery rolls and hire homeless people to vote using all the names. You would win SO HARD.

  12. I love your writing, it is real, honest and witty all rolled into one. You've got my vote any day! I'm sorry to hear you know the pain of loss at 23wks all too well, that is dark and as you know something that can never be forgotten. I think about my loss many times a day, as you said it's always right below the surface coloring everything in my life. I cringe at conversations in which babies or pregnancy are mentioned, it's all still too fresh and painful. Thank you for sharing your loss with us and letting us carry it with are not alone my friend and I for one am glad to have you standing tall on our platform.

  13. Roccie, you're a brilliant writer. And I have always found your posts - and your comments - spot on. They cut right to the heart of the matter. I'm so sorry. Hope and pain, boogie-ing side-by-side. What a strange, horrible and occasionally uplifting pair they are.

    I'm glad you told us. For so many reasons, some of them selfish. There's a light at the end of ugly tunnels. It doesn't erase all the shit that drips down from the tunnel's ceiling. But it's there. But I am so very sorry.

    Lupron, here we come:) Time to feel the sunlight on our faces.

  14. Roccie,I think I have said this before but you are pretty freakin' amazing. I look forward to your posts and your comments, you never fail to make me laugh, and that my friend is where it is at. Not a good writer, whatevs.
    Your strength is inspiring.
    Have fun with Lupron.

  15. I've been navelgazing lately, it's a side-effect of the treatments.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the depth of the pain that must have caused, though I have an inkling.

    Here's to your candidacy, may it be accepted by a landslide majority.

  16. I'm so sorry, R. Lots of love to you. ♥

  17. Thursday night. I read your post. My heart melts on the radiator. I think about your post Thursday night, Friday morning, Friday mid-morning, Friday noonish, Friday afternoon, Friday night. I still can't find the words to say what I want to say. I read your post again. I cry this time. What a beautiful woman, I think. How will I tell her this, that she is so amazing. I'm going to sound corny (hey, I AM corny) and maybe even sweet. God forbid.

    From now on, the word courage and Roccie will be associated. Neural pathways have been formed. Neurons that fire together, wire together. You are full of courage. Your hope is giving you courage. It's beautiful to watch.

    And what's that bs about your writing. Your writing is unlike many others and it is wonderful and delicious.

    I hold hope with you and for you. Hourray for starting Lupron this weekend.

    I also honour your lost daughter. Thank you for trusting us enough to share that.

  18. Roccie, I'm another one who read your other post and just didn't know what to say. I have no words for what you went through. But I'm glad that you felt able to share with us on your blog--it allows us to honor her, and your strength.

    Bring on that Lupron!

  19. Roccie:

    Reading the comments here leave me in no doubt how you came to win the nomination for your candidature to win Motherhood in the coming year. Heaven's knows these campaigns are expensive to run, require a whole team of staff, and can be very time consuming. I know you have the right stuff to be named the victor! I will be voting early and voting often in your favour!

    Make it a good fight, and a clean fight!

    LS x

  20. Roccie, I am so sorry for your dark ages. Those would have been very dark days indeed. You have a great deal of courage to share what you have.

    I know the days of light are coming. I wish you a smooth and swift journey towards them. Succulent young eggs. A need for life. And love at hand.

    Good luck with the lupron old momma. Even though we all know you aint old honey!

    Thanks as always for your ongoing encouragement for me. You are my absolute favourite blogger!

  21. You are one tough, brave cookie. I am so so sorry for your loss. And inspired by your strength. You get my vote for EVERYTHING.

  22. Oh, forgot to say that I'm voting for you as a mother for 2011.

  23. You have my vote. I already thought you were amazing but to have endured such loss and still have such wit and humor. You ROCK!

  24. You really are a RockStar. The more I get to know you, the more I realize how strong you are. I'm so sorry for your loss, I really am. I hope the Lupron is treating you well Old Momma and let's get this show on the road... this is your time. And i'm right here on the sidelines cheering you on!

  25. I really felt during my FET that the harder I hoped, the harder I'd fall. I've felt that way for a while. Even now, 19w PG with 2 healthy boys, I'm afraid to get too attached. I hope this fear goes away someday.

    In the meantime, I'll be hoping and hoping and hoping that this it for you.

  26. Good luck Roccie! I am just starting my IF journey and you're much farther than I am...I admire you for your strength and fortitude!

  27. Okay, so. You always leave the most perfect comments on my blog. How can I match such insight when commenting on a loss in your past that stands no chance of ever making sense? How can we put all the heart-stopping pain out there in this dirty business of babymaking in neat little boxes like our brains are begging us to do? It doesn't fit. It never will. All I can tell you is that I know, as you do, that the fight is a worthy one. And so I hope, hope, hope that you are on the good side of all the data and odds when it comes to this new cycle.

    Have you ever read An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken? It is not for this moment for you, but maybe sometime in the future when this new baby you're making is old enough and you feel like you want to wallow and deal with the darkness a little bit. McCracken is an amazing writer, just like you.