I called a press conference and no one came, so here is how it would have gone down if anyone had really cared to hear it....
AP: Roccie. You announced you are back in the running for Motherhood in 2011. Isn't this a misnomer?
Roccie: Yes, in some ways it is. I am actually running for another term of Motherhood. I have a daughter that lives with me. I also have a daughter who died in my 24th week of pregnancy that I would rather not discuss.
AP: Exactly. Hey, Roccie. What is with all the anger in your last post? Help us to reconcile your message of hope posted only minutes before a fuck-laden rant about something that happened long ago...
Roccie: (interrupts) I will reduce my swear words in the new year as part of my campaign.
AP: Why are you coming out now about a pregnancy loss that was well before our time?
Roccie: I blame the hope addict in me. I published a post about hope and it felt saccharine sweet to me. Anyone who knows me in real life would never call me "sweet". I wanted to tell the people Hope isn't a pile of bullshit on the shelf at Hallmark. I wanted to tell them I have seen the bottom and I didn't care if I crawled my way out or not. Anyone who has ever posted something about feeling down has felt the wrath of my 4 page comment.
AP: But Roccie, I was just having a bad hair day in that post and you took it all heavy and shit...
Roccie: (interrupts) There are a couple hot buttons for me - hope and pain. They cannot be separated. I just wish I was a good writer. I wish I could pull out of my head all of the encouragement I have for everyone.
I am the Real Deal. I was living a shit show and I occasionally still struggle with it. My hope is that you might read what happened to me, see where I am now, and make a plan to build hope for yourself too.
It is an ugly story, but sadly I know someone else will find herself in the same place. This story isn't for me anymore. In fact, I probably wont tell it here, but at Band Back Together where it can be searched and found.
I was not sure I wanted to tell you at all. The post about the ultrasound sat in draft since spring of this year. I read a post from Adele and it talked about my sticker. Word for word what I had written. It was a sign. I wanted to comment about it, but I could not. I was still in the closet about my loss. My actual comment is wan and thin; digging for humor because it ripped a scab right off my heart.
I don't want to dwell on it. This loss doesn't define me, but it did for a very long time.
I thought you should know I lost a pregnancy in my 23rd week and 6th day.
I will keep the Dark Ages below the surface. That is where it always is, just under every conscious moment of every single day.
You want hope?
Guess who starts Lupron this weekend?
This Old Momma.