Any assvice for a fool like me?
We are planning our Skype session this week with our prospective family.
Dos? Donts?
How do I keep my focus on what is important. How do I process anything that is very likely irrelevant but gets my wheels turning in a negative direction.
I am so fucking critical. How can I protect this family from my own personal character flaw?
I am so scared.
If you ever take the time to comment, I could really use it now. Please.
I am sorry that I do not have any experience with this. On the one hand, I dont think it is bad to be critical. Afterall, this is a very serious decision. On the other hand, I would encourage you to remind yourself how excited you were when you found this family - you really seemed confident that they were a great match. Tell them what you liked about their email or profile - that will put them at ease and remind you why you liked them! Wising you the best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI would make a point-form list of the things you want to say/ask.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with nogoodeggs...I would let them know at the beginning of the session what I liked about their profile, and that I understand how difficult it is to go through what they're going through.
It's okay to tell them that you're feeling nervous. Remember they are probably more scared than you.
And if you have any reservations during the session, you don't have to deal with them right away - you can jot them down and think about them afterwards and decide if they are a deal breaker or not.
Good luck!
Love,
Maddy
No words of wisdom from experience, but from what I've seen here, you are a kind, thoughtful, and considerate person. I can't imagine you'd be any other way with this couple. You all will be nervouse, which is totally natural. Just remember that you really like them and want this to work. Focus on that.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear how it goes!
Ugh. I hate it when I leave typos. Sigh. Many hugs!
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough one because I am just like you. Stay on course my friend ... but also trust your gut. These are big decisions and your gut hasn't let you down before. Can't wait to hear how it all goes!
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you go at it from the starting point that there is no wrong decision here: the overwhelming majority of infertile couples are very deserving. So you can't really go wrong.
ReplyDeleteThis will be an information gathering session for all. But at the end of the day, this couple will be WAY more nervous than you, Roccie, as they hope beyond hope that this could finally be how they get to be parents. Be gentle with them, the same way you wanted to be treated with great care during your valliant struggle. (and be kind with yourself too. You are a discerning woman who wants what is best for those embies).
I am chiming in to encourage you to make a list of questions/comments and keep it close at hand during the conversation.
ReplyDeleteMore than that, though, take time to calm your heart and mind before you sign on. Get everything together (including your hair and makeup) and set up 30 minutes beforehand, set a timer for 25 minutes, and then sit somewhere comfortable. Meditate, pray, ask for an open mind and an open heart. Ask for any red flags to be seen loud and clear. Ask for compassion.
Good and right decisions fill you peace (that surpasses all understanding). You can do this!
I've had one of these skype conversations. Although I was the recipient so it was a little different. I was mostly worried about being perceived as "good enough" for them.
ReplyDeleteI really like nogoodeggs comment. I would second that.
I actually ended up meeting in person with the donor couple. We had a lot of long conversations about both of our expectations. I think it was a very healthy (but difficult) thing to do.
I would also encourage you to leave room in your relationship with them (if you choose them) for change. I think that people will need different things from a relationship like this at different times. Being flexible is a good thing.
Listen to your gut. There are lots of good people out there waiting for embryos. If you don't feel in your heart that this is the right match then don't pressure yourself to feel that way. (But it does sound like from your other posts that this has very good potential!).
Good luck.. I'll be thinking of you!
ICLW
I think this family is going to be so friggin nervous. You seem to have a charm and way of making us all here feel so goofy and welcome. I am sure you are going to do the same for this family.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, go with what you know. Be yourself. If the match doesn't seem right, you will thank yourself for passing this time and setting up sometime else with another couple. You want an open relationship, so y'all gotta jive.
I remember prior to meeting our donor family how horribly nervous I felt that they were going to not like something about us or change their minds. I agree with what some of the others said about sharing what you liked about their profile and what initially drew you to them and made you feel like they were the perfect match for you. Sharing empathy about how difficult infertility can be and that you understand that would also be great.
ReplyDeleteMost importantly though be yourself and remember that wonderful feeling you had that this was the family for you. Also remember they are just as nervous if not more so as you are. Wishing you a wonderful skype session that leaves you all filled with warm fuzzies and reassurance!!!
I rarely even do skype with family so I'm sorry but I have no advice. Just try to be the best you possible I guess.
ReplyDeleteJust be your normal, funny self. Don't be overly conscious and just let the conversation flooooooow. It's kind of like the first time we met O's birthparents. I was so f'ing nervous, and after I told them that, they admitted they were too. The potential recipient couple is probably just as nervous about everything as you are. It's going to be fine. I agree with rebecca about empathizing with them how difficult infertility is. You have a common thread and you'll relate to each other on many levels. I'm going to be there in spirit with you...as I know many of your other readers will be too. Oh, and you should totally stick face your face super close to the camera at some point during the call too. ;) It's going to be a-okay, girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteOh, so hard. But I love the advice above. Everyone will be scared. Everyone has so much at stake, so much to fear from being judged. But in the end, it comes down to whether it feels right, I ignorantly imagine. You are amazing. You see something in them that suggests they are amazing too. It's just about confirmation. Two useless cents and a lot of love.
ReplyDeleteI suggest a run thru of said bullets in a mirror wearing a ridiculous hat. It will make you feel familiar and ease your tension over the situation. Also, if you feel that butterfly feeling, focus on it and try hard to make it worse. Add some ridiculous scenario of failure in your head and I swear you will just calm down. It's a very important meeting, but a meeting for happy happy things. A blessing, really.
ReplyDeleteI have terrible stage fright and this is how I cope with most interviews. Good luck, my dear. I am pulling for a successful conversation and that this is a good fit for you all.
Not exactly what you asked, but my suggestion is to try not to get too emotionally invested. I know, maybe that's not possible.
ReplyDeleteI loved our recipient family. I had a whole future planned out. After all, we had super-high-quality embryos (twins on the first transfer!) and we had lots and lots of them left to donate.
Then, the first transfer didn't work. And the second and the third didn't work either. And the whole future that I'd planned out just disappeared.
Obviously, it was a lot worse for them than for us. But we all cried a lot and, in the end, they totally cut off contact (for obvious reasons, it was too painful for them).
Fingers crossed that your experience is better than ours.
If you haven't already had the conversation, good luck with it! No advice, just hugs. And the hopes that your recipient family is all you could ever hope for.
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