I feel like a million bucks. I am a good time. I am patient and forgiving. I have hair like Medusa since I recently came out as curly, and I just don't care. Love me, love my mop.
My dance card is full. I am happy and things are really going my way.
What does it all mean? Please tell me you have seen that Rainbow Guy. I feel like him, trying to identify - what is the meaning? What does it all mean? Who the fuck am I to be so happy and content?
I am cured, I know it. Let's stop the crazy meds. I am better and I want to get pregnant and I want it to be uneventful and I want a Take Home Baby. I had a follow up call with my psychiatrist and popped the question.
She told me no. Hmpf. Something about needing to stabilize for 12-18 months. I didn't shave my head for crying out loud. I just cried. A lot. Everyone does that? Right? But not me. Not anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I can still cry. I can have someone slip me a mix tape that chokes me up and I have to hit eject, eject, eject. Eject. Everything just seems so easy now.... wait for it....
Maybe I can handle transferring two? I can manage twins. We can manage twins.
Ha, we should be so lucky. I know we will transfer one. But if I do not get a BFP, there will be some serious self abuse in this house.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Here we go
Things went well today at the fertility shop. We are confirmed for our FET on Tuesday next week. Whoa. Lining is a 10 and my estrogen jumped by 2000+, not surprising considering my patchwork belly of stickers and vaginal cookies.
I am really wavering on the number to transfer. I think I get this way every time as the actual transfer date approaches. We transferred one with the fresh cycle. Look where that got us. Success rates are lower with frozen, about a 50-50 shot.
I thought Large Fertility Operation did vitrification. I read over at Lisa's house that CCRM does it and boasts almost as high as a success rate as fresh with FET via vitrification. Perhaps LFO does not have the same freezing process. The rates are lower.
Sigh. Transferring two doesn't increase my chance at success by any percentage. You all know how those stats work.
Why is it so tempting?
I said this to Rocco and he told me he was feeling the same. We always wanted three kids... but we picked that number when we were young and didn't know any better. Hell, we didn't even know each other. Haven't I learned by now life is not a damn thing like you planned?
We filled out the forms for the FET back in December. We opted for one embryo. Maybe it is good we did the process then, before it became so emotional.
My acupuncturist keeps telling me to be still and listen. I will know the right choice. Eek.
I am really wavering on the number to transfer. I think I get this way every time as the actual transfer date approaches. We transferred one with the fresh cycle. Look where that got us. Success rates are lower with frozen, about a 50-50 shot.
I thought Large Fertility Operation did vitrification. I read over at Lisa's house that CCRM does it and boasts almost as high as a success rate as fresh with FET via vitrification. Perhaps LFO does not have the same freezing process. The rates are lower.
Sigh. Transferring two doesn't increase my chance at success by any percentage. You all know how those stats work.
Why is it so tempting?
I said this to Rocco and he told me he was feeling the same. We always wanted three kids... but we picked that number when we were young and didn't know any better. Hell, we didn't even know each other. Haven't I learned by now life is not a damn thing like you planned?
We filled out the forms for the FET back in December. We opted for one embryo. Maybe it is good we did the process then, before it became so emotional.
My acupuncturist keeps telling me to be still and listen. I will know the right choice. Eek.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Kindness of strangers and taking it IRL
My RE has changed the medication schedule for FET this round. It is not specific for me, but for all of The Infertile at Large Fertility Operation. I like change, change is good. I needed to scare up some Estrace/Estradiol and do an inventory on estrogen patches.
I had a moment all by myself up in the hallway just now. Toddlerina was in bed, Rocco is working late, and the dogs were somewhere being quiet. I want to call someone and tell her thank you. I want to see how she is doing and check how things are moving on her end. The problem is that I don't know where to find her. Worse yet, I don't have her blog.
My definition of friendship has been turned on its ear. I thought I knew what it meant, but it has been radically redefined by starting this blog.
A couple of months ago I got an email followed by a big box of unused medicine. Our email exchanges were very brief. I was deep in a funk and she was having PC problems. I think I got her blog but it was password protected. I asked to get in, but never got a response.
She stuck a fancy chocolate bar in with the meds she sent. She gave me a link to her IRL. You know. So I could see she was not a freak. She was safe to accept meds, though we had never met.
I was rooting through the box and I came across a sharps container. It was filled with unused needles and something else. I pulled it out and saw it was a EPT.
My eyes filled with tears for her. Why doesn't she want this? Maybe she doesn't need this? I know they come in 3 packs... where are the other two? Is she pregnant? Did she retire?
Why did she take all the time to reach out to me, wait for my responses, pack it, add a note and a chocolate bar, then ship it?
I don't know who all comes here to read. If you don't have a blog, start one tonight. Tell me it is there. I would love to come to your house. Others will come. They are in the same shit ship as we are and they make this passage so much easier.
I had a moment all by myself up in the hallway just now. Toddlerina was in bed, Rocco is working late, and the dogs were somewhere being quiet. I want to call someone and tell her thank you. I want to see how she is doing and check how things are moving on her end. The problem is that I don't know where to find her. Worse yet, I don't have her blog.
My definition of friendship has been turned on its ear. I thought I knew what it meant, but it has been radically redefined by starting this blog.
A couple of months ago I got an email followed by a big box of unused medicine. Our email exchanges were very brief. I was deep in a funk and she was having PC problems. I think I got her blog but it was password protected. I asked to get in, but never got a response.
She stuck a fancy chocolate bar in with the meds she sent. She gave me a link to her IRL. You know. So I could see she was not a freak. She was safe to accept meds, though we had never met.
I was rooting through the box and I came across a sharps container. It was filled with unused needles and something else. I pulled it out and saw it was a EPT.
My eyes filled with tears for her. Why doesn't she want this? Maybe she doesn't need this? I know they come in 3 packs... where are the other two? Is she pregnant? Did she retire?
Why did she take all the time to reach out to me, wait for my responses, pack it, add a note and a chocolate bar, then ship it?
I don't know who all comes here to read. If you don't have a blog, start one tonight. Tell me it is there. I would love to come to your house. Others will come. They are in the same shit ship as we are and they make this passage so much easier.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Don't try to get on top of it
Wisdom words from the thera-puncturist, but I bet at least some of you automatically blurted "thats what she said", right?
I went in for a session today feeling I needed more the therapy than the puncture. I feel a little detached from this round. The normal me bleeds and sweats the details. I am just too busy to get under it all this time.
I cannot help but to feel guilty that I am not jamming bamboo under my nails to make this happen. Isn't the intensity of suffering directly proportionate to the percentage of success?
If it were only that simple, we would all have babies. I still cannot shake the feeling I should be forcing mediation, drinking ass flavored tea, avoiding wheat or air, and choking down some damn Royal Jelly even though we are donor egg.
Today my acupuncturist told me being present was the best practice I could follow.
She compared it with surfing. You can sit on the shore and watch the surfers move through the waves. They make it look easy. Enjoy the show because the minute you try to get on top of it, everything falls apart.
I don't do her story justice, but she told me not to try and get on top of it. Align yourself with your goal and then let go.
I hope this one finds a little place to curl up with our friend egghunt and keep her warm.
I went in for a session today feeling I needed more the therapy than the puncture. I feel a little detached from this round. The normal me bleeds and sweats the details. I am just too busy to get under it all this time.
I cannot help but to feel guilty that I am not jamming bamboo under my nails to make this happen. Isn't the intensity of suffering directly proportionate to the percentage of success?
If it were only that simple, we would all have babies. I still cannot shake the feeling I should be forcing mediation, drinking ass flavored tea, avoiding wheat or air, and choking down some damn Royal Jelly even though we are donor egg.
Today my acupuncturist told me being present was the best practice I could follow.
She compared it with surfing. You can sit on the shore and watch the surfers move through the waves. They make it look easy. Enjoy the show because the minute you try to get on top of it, everything falls apart.
I don't do her story justice, but she told me not to try and get on top of it. Align yourself with your goal and then let go.
I hope this one finds a little place to curl up with our friend egghunt and keep her warm.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I am a clever bitch
Look what I wore today to celebrate Day 1 of Lupron....
I was so busy trying to hide my face behind the camera, I forgot to suck it in.
Not as clever.
I was so busy trying to hide my face behind the camera, I forgot to suck it in.
Not as clever.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Pretty sure this isnt the look he had in mind for tonight
Toddlerina has been sick since Wednesday of last week. I have seen 4 am every day for a week due to said illness. Doesn't everyone shower at 8pm?
My washing machine is broken. Doesn't everyone wear shapeless shirts belonging to their partner?
The one that could be the real kicker? I ordered Lupron today.
But it made me oddly happy. Unsexy, yes, but HAPPY!
Happy Valentines Day to you and your families, existing and in progress.
My washing machine is broken. Doesn't everyone wear shapeless shirts belonging to their partner?
The one that could be the real kicker? I ordered Lupron today.
But it made me oddly happy. Unsexy, yes, but HAPPY!
Happy Valentines Day to you and your families, existing and in progress.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Cyst free and BCP
All clear and scheduled for a March 15 FET. No reason to expect cancelation again but I guess there is always that risk. Regular schedule, nothing added. I am BCP for a couple wks and start Lupron next week.
I hope it goes well. I now share an office with a gal who I like very much. She is a very conservative Catholic - I want to use the word Orthodox, but it doesn't sound right. We all know how those Catholics feel about ART. Still, I gave her the heads up that I typically bury the bodies when I am on Lupron. She seems ok with it and I would really regret having to take her life.
Things have changed a bit on my end. My job has gotten better as I have a new position. I haven't cared about a job in a long time. In fact, not sure I ever did, but I sure cared about the money. Now I do something I enjoy. The money is much less, but I am happy. Go figure. I work for a national cancer treatment center. I am not patient facing, just an IT hack, but it feels good to be closer to something that matters to me.
Anyhow, I am trying to get it all sorted out. Work life, home life, next Take Home Baby life (not necessarily in that order). My boss sent me a career plan and I read it for once. I never used to read that sort of thing. I sent thank you cards that were due from November last year. I took care of a collection agency chasing me for $38. I actually have the money, just not the time to pay the bill.
Welcome to the whole new me. I still haven't worked out since 1974, but that might change too. Next year. I don't know, that one is too hard.
I am always there reading but usually a week late, right? I let the reader fill up so much it weighs on my mind and I start to feel guilty. What the hell is that? That isn't what our blog houses are for.
My comments at your house are thinning and I regret it. Comments are the whole reason I started this blog. I felt like I had to let every person know I was there and I loved what they wrote, etc. I am a blog loving fool now and I read so many it amazes me how easy it is to keep it straight in my head. I hang on every word. Many of you know this as I am also a ball buster when you go silent. Ha. Infertile bossy bitch that I am.
Always here, getting a little quieter as I enter DE FET #1 of 1, cyst free, wine-and-coffee-free-dammit, lovingly yours,
Roccie
I hope it goes well. I now share an office with a gal who I like very much. She is a very conservative Catholic - I want to use the word Orthodox, but it doesn't sound right. We all know how those Catholics feel about ART. Still, I gave her the heads up that I typically bury the bodies when I am on Lupron. She seems ok with it and I would really regret having to take her life.
Things have changed a bit on my end. My job has gotten better as I have a new position. I haven't cared about a job in a long time. In fact, not sure I ever did, but I sure cared about the money. Now I do something I enjoy. The money is much less, but I am happy. Go figure. I work for a national cancer treatment center. I am not patient facing, just an IT hack, but it feels good to be closer to something that matters to me.
Anyhow, I am trying to get it all sorted out. Work life, home life, next Take Home Baby life (not necessarily in that order). My boss sent me a career plan and I read it for once. I never used to read that sort of thing. I sent thank you cards that were due from November last year. I took care of a collection agency chasing me for $38. I actually have the money, just not the time to pay the bill.
Welcome to the whole new me. I still haven't worked out since 1974, but that might change too. Next year. I don't know, that one is too hard.
I am always there reading but usually a week late, right? I let the reader fill up so much it weighs on my mind and I start to feel guilty. What the hell is that? That isn't what our blog houses are for.
My comments at your house are thinning and I regret it. Comments are the whole reason I started this blog. I felt like I had to let every person know I was there and I loved what they wrote, etc. I am a blog loving fool now and I read so many it amazes me how easy it is to keep it straight in my head. I hang on every word. Many of you know this as I am also a ball buster when you go silent. Ha. Infertile bossy bitch that I am.
Always here, getting a little quieter as I enter DE FET #1 of 1, cyst free, wine-and-coffee-free-dammit, lovingly yours,
Roccie
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