UPDATE:
I don't know what to say. I censored myself. Like an old fashioned communist country. I posted this in the AM and took it down by lunch. I cant really explain why I did it. Been a monkey on my back all damn day.
Is there such a thing as being too negative? Let me acknowledge people out there have some serious shit going down and I am whining about the joy of (someone else's) pregnancy? How pathetic is this?
WTF has happened to me?
Read this with a grain of salt. I think I can make it back to normal in a couple days. For now, I am a negative MF.
Thank you to the Sisters of Lupron who called me out on it and asked WTF happened to my post.
THE FOLLOWING IS THE ORIGINAL BITTER POST I WAS ASHAMED TO LEAVE UP WHEN REAL PROBLEMS ARE HAPPENING ALL AROUND US BUT I CRY IN MY O'DOULS:
Uh, so about last week. What a pissy fit I threw, huh?
Your responses were like salve to the soul. Each one made me feel about 900 times better. Hell, I read them again today (ok, every day this week). Thank you.
But I have a little more bitterness to expel before I can move back to regularly scheduled programming.
You know what I dread? The following:
- "Should we find out if it is a boy or a girl?" drama
- "I am so fat!" bitch sessions
- The "What is child birth going to be like?" freak out
- "Let's talk about names!" inane chatter
- The "Let me tell you what random fetus function is developing this week!" heart wrencher
(this is likely the most painful and apt to cause breakdown in office)
- .... got any other good ones I missed?
For some reason it is THIS pregnancy that makes it painful. I sort of feel a little betrayed by her. She knows all about my recent miscarriage. She knows about our multiple ART encounters. She knows we cant just up and have a baby like she did, despite chasing one with everything we have got in us. Shit, she even knows more about the Dark Ages than you guys do! This reason is why it really fucking hurts.
I sort of feel like I was her unintentional science experiment. She was on a anthropological fact finding mission. "Let me learn of these things called Infertiles. Let me understand their strange ways." Checking out the shitsville shanty town my uterus lives in. Now she can boast of her tolerant ways and say to other Fertiles, "I have an infertile friend. They are people too. She hurts, just like a real woman does."
It is going to be a long 8 months.
Seriously Roccie.
ReplyDeleteWTF.
OK, so first of all if there is ONE place in the world you don't have to censor yourself, it's here. That's the whole point of the blog, isn't it? To say the things you can't say anywhere else? (Or maybe that's just me....)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm glad you put it back up. Your list of the things you dread is like a litany of torture. The one that always gets me for some reason is talking about whether or not she's going to use a sling (they're very popular around here). I don't know why but that of all things sends me into a downward spiral every time.
And while I may have been full of equanimity and good feelings in my post yesterday, I should note that it has been a while since I have had to talk with an actual live-in-person pregnant woman. Seriously, Roccie, when you are dealing with that, all bets are off!
I'm glad you put it back up and I agree with gingerandlime: this should be a safe place for you to vent, whenever you need to. I don't think anyone would ever judge you for it (and if they did it would be throwing stones in a glass house...because we've ALL had these emotions). In terms of the bad stuff happening all around...yeah, it's true. But it doesn't change the fact that it is going to be a hard, hard chore to get through these next eight months. And I STILL contend that this woman is a huge pain in the ass because she knows what you've experienced and she should have the good sense to show a little sensitivity. Period.
ReplyDeleteThere have been times when I felt badly about my uncensored bitchiness, but that's what blogs are for, right? If someone can't deal too bad, click to another site. I have to process my ugly feelings somehow or else I would a. explode or b. turn into a childless bitch that no one wants to be around.
ReplyDeleteI find that when I am spewing negativity I tend to get more comments, perhaps its the misery loves company thing. But whatever, it is healthy to have a forum to vent. Besides, there should be no judgement here.
P.S. Why can't I follow you?
ReplyDeleteHugs. It makes sense to me that this pregnancy in particular is hurting. It's your "ghost pregnancy" -- the pregnancy you should be having. I had a similar thing happen with one of my boys' therapists. She got pg with me at the exact same time last year. We both m/ced the same week, too. BUT, she got pg again right away. It was all I could do to not run into the other room when I'd see that big belly flaunting itself in my face.
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing was that I was happy for her. The hard part was that I was more miserable for myself.
As for me, the thing I dread most is the unconscious belly rubbing/resting hand on bump/other people touching the belly thing. Sigh.
Hang in there. The offer to slap her still stands. :-)
Its funny that some pregnancies hurt us more than others. I can't put my finger on it at all because I don't seem to have a logical system that I follow to get to the reaction that comes out of me.
ReplyDeleteBut the truth is, this is our reality and damn it, it sucks. I hate having other peoples pregnancies danced in front of me most of the time. Its about US, not the pregnant person. We are the ones battling this and its not actaully about thier pregnancy, its just about what it signifies to us and what we're missing out on.
But a friend who knows your history should not be inviting you to join in baby name conversations!! NO way would you get me joining in on that topic (aside from the fact that I don't want to give away the good names that I've been saving up all these years, its just way too emotionally painful).
Trust yourself and your intuition. If it feels wrong then it probably is and you shouldnt feel bad for the way you feel. x
I know how you feel, I have regretted one or two of my posts too. But I have to say, I think this one's a keeper.
ReplyDeleteYour problems are "real problems" there's no pain olympics here. I'm sorry that you have to endure it - I too know the pain of enduring a pregnancy that you just do NOT want to even acknowledge...