I don't know what to say. I censored myself. Like an old fashioned communist country. I posted this in the AM and took it down by lunch. I cant really explain why I did it. Been a monkey on my back all damn day.
Is there such a thing as being too negative? Let me acknowledge people out there have some serious shit going down and I am whining about the joy of (someone else's) pregnancy? How pathetic is this?
WTF has happened to me?
Read this with a grain of salt. I think I can make it back to normal in a couple days. For now, I am a negative MF.
Thank you to the Sisters of Lupron who called me out on it and asked WTF happened to my post.
THE FOLLOWING IS THE ORIGINAL BITTER POST I WAS ASHAMED TO LEAVE UP WHEN REAL PROBLEMS ARE HAPPENING ALL AROUND US BUT I CRY IN MY O'DOULS:
Uh, so about last week. What a pissy fit I threw, huh?
Your responses were like salve to the soul. Each one made me feel about 900 times better. Hell, I read them again today (ok, every day this week). Thank you.
But I have a little more bitterness to expel before I can move back to regularly scheduled programming.
You know what I dread? The following:
- "Should we find out if it is a boy or a girl?" drama
- "I am so fat!" bitch sessions
- The "What is child birth going to be like?" freak out
- "Let's talk about names!" inane chatter
- The "Let me tell you what random fetus function is developing this week!" heart wrencher
(this is likely the most painful and apt to cause breakdown in office)
- .... got any other good ones I missed?
For some reason it is THIS pregnancy that makes it painful. I sort of feel a little betrayed by her. She knows all about my recent miscarriage. She knows about our multiple ART encounters. She knows we cant just up and have a baby like she did, despite chasing one with everything we have got in us. Shit, she even knows more about the Dark Ages than you guys do! This reason is why it really fucking hurts.
I sort of feel like I was her unintentional science experiment. She was on a anthropological fact finding mission. "Let me learn of these things called Infertiles. Let me understand their strange ways." Checking out the shitsville shanty town my uterus lives in. Now she can boast of her tolerant ways and say to other Fertiles, "I have an infertile friend. They are people too. She hurts, just like a real woman does."
It is going to be a long 8 months.