Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The first time I told someone

I have been all over the board telling people outside my family about donor eggs.

I have no problem telling complete strangers, including the checkout gal at Whole Foods.  And Dominick's come to think of it.  I must have a thing for cashiers: the bartender for the woman who cannot drink.  

Some co-workers know, with varying degrees of success.  Previously, any of them who know have been along for most of the mostly miserable ride.  

I had practice telling my story last week to a co-worker I had sort of discounted as a pretty boy.  I didn't think he had a lot of substance.  (Don't I sound like a real joy to have as a co worker?  Eek.)  Turns out my man has a family by IVF - they suffered many misses before the hits.  I told him my very abbreviated donor egg story and he got it.

I liked telling my story.  I liked telling it in the hallway where someone just might over hear.  I feel like a DE exhibitionist.  This is the real deal and I get so geeked UP talking about it. 

Rocco and I went to a party again this weekend.  Twice in a season, remarkable, really.  Guess what I was talking about?

My neighbor and I were swapping stories.  She had her kids late, the last one at 40.  Hey, neighbor, I am 40 as well.  Knowing looks are exchanged.  She tells me it was a challenge for them to get pregnant.

Well, you lead this horse to water and she is going to chug.  Buuuuurp - there is my whole story sitting in her lap.  I gotta say, she was hanging on every word.  Asked for clarification in all the right places.  Oohed and ahhed in a timely fashion.

It was positively thrilling to tell her.  I told her no one in the neighborhood knew.  She assured me it was not her story to tell.  I don't think she said my "secret" was safe with her - that would kind of imply I had something to hide.  She was good about it -- she got it too.

One of these days my kid is going to proclaim "I CAME FROM A SPECIAL EGG DID YOU COME FROM A SPECIAL EGG" at a gathering in front of a lot of people.  Who knows the scenario, but I used to fear the sound of a record skipping at the end of all the tracks.  I need someone to jump in and respond "yes, yes you did and it is very special" without missing a beat.

I think it will be easy to build that team of people to support him/her when it happens.  I didn't realize I was holding my breath about it, but I was.  Exhale.  Ahhh......

Donor eggs.  I love them.


  1. You are super amazing. I am still in the shamefuly IF closet; only 4 friends and no family know we did IVF. I am ashamed that I am so ashamed about my infertility. I hope one day I am as brave as you. For real.

  2. Rock on DE Mamma! Wear it proud. You make me proud!! LisainSK

  3. Roccie, I have been reading your blog for what seems like forever. I often think to myself that "this would be a great post to reply to," but then my three year old comes bounding by, or it's time for an injection or a patch change or to do the dishes, etc etc etc. But I can't hold it back any longer. I feel like you are paving my way for me, and I am so grateful for you for that. And I'm even more grateful that you do it with such enthusiasm and humor and reality. I.love.it. Our three year old has been going to my RE appointments for over 24 months now, and we are so excited to be doing donor egg now. It was hard to get to this place, but I have optimism now that I haven't had in a looooong time.

    Quick question for you-I've been wondering if you've talked here about whether you chose a donor that wanted to remain anonymous or one that would be open to future contact. I've searched about the blog a bit and haven't seen that you've written about it, but maybe I'm not looking the right way. Or maybe you chose not to write about it. Is that something that you'd ever feel like sharing, either in the blog or e-mail? It's the most recent thing I'm struggling with, and I would love to hear the process you used to make your choice.

    Lastly, I live what I'm guessing is about an hour and a half from you, and there have been many days when I just wanted to jump in my car, drive to where you are, and hug you. Usually while crying great sobby tears of gratitude and laughter at the same time.

    So, thank you!


  4. Oh man, tears with my morning coffee! What a great post. Sometimes I wonder if things are really changing with the secrecy surrounding IF and loss. I mean, it seems like it's everywhere in popular culture, but more likely I just notice it now. Still, maybe by the time your Special Egg is grown up, it will be considered totally normal. And if so, it will be people like you, who are open about it, that make it happen.

  5. That is wonderful. Iam so glad you could share and feel good about it.

  6. This post is wonderful and your courage is amazing. If you lend some to me I could go over to an adoption blog I follow and explain why it is wrong to assume adoption is the higher moral ground.

    For some reason "special" seems to weak a word. We might need a better word in English for this, just like blog is too weak a word to describe how your sharing, humor, and honesty benefit others.

  7. So proud of you. Your child is lucky to have such an awesome mom.

  8. I feel the same way.. As soon as the door is open and I feel it is clear to talk about, I'm very open with our next steps. I really do enjoy talking about it. I'm glad to read this post today. Thank you so much. It helped lift my spirits a bit. ANd I agree. It will be very easy to build a team to support him/her! What a great way to think about it.

  9. this is a wonderful post, thank you for this.

  10. I am exactly the same way about IF/IVF. I have absolutely no issue telling strangers or people like my hair stylist -- in fact, I wear it like a badge of honor. It's my war story. But when it comes to people closer in within the circle, I have different rules that don't always follow rhyme, reason or consistency. Hey, as your neighbor said, they're our stories to tell. We can do with them whatever we damn well please. And I ADORE when I get the "hint" and find a kindred spirit. So fun to spill it, to nod knowingly.

  11. I have always been OUT about my infertility. Being in about DE has been HARD. Our parents know and a few friends, but mostly it's all hush hush. I can't wait to be OUT cause baby when I'm OUT i'm PROUD!

    I love ya!

  12. Love this. I've always been very open about doing IVF, but we've agreed to be quiet about DE at least until we're pregnant, and our psychologist (for the required consult) suggested until we have the baby. I would talk about it more, but my husband wants to not broadcast it.

    You asked on my blog what our arrangements are for future contact - basically it will all be through the agency, and she's open to the idea, but doesn't want to commit now.

    The circumstances we discussed reaching out are:

    1) She receives some medical information that would be relevant to our child.

    2) We receive some medical information about our child that would be relevant for her.

    3) The child is interested in contacting her at some point in the future. She knows we plan to tell the child from birth about his/her origins (age-appropriate, obviously).

    We proposed exchanging email addresses, to avoid having to go through the agency, but she declined.

    Going in, those were the only three circumstances I imagined would be causes for contact, but after meeting her, I would have been willing to be in much closer contact (should she have desired). Funny.

  13. Here's what I want for you and your bub: MANY people to say, "Yes you did and it is very special." Repeatedly. And with love.