Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What if God shows up?

A co-worker lost their premature daughter a few weeks ago.

Baby girl was making it one day to the next.  Each day a requirement was set and she met it:  she will do this, or it will be the end.  She left her family after a three week fight.

I told anyone who would listen: don't send flowers, flowers die.

What comes next for them.  They went to the support group.  It turns out they were the freak show of the group, just like I was once upon a time.  The story that everyone secretly gives thanks that at least they are not YOU.  He hated group and I hated group too.  I walked out on the second session and never went back.

I remember so many daffodils.  I hated daffodils.  She came and she went April 23 in 2007, four years ago.  I hate your fucking daffodils.

Anger comes throughout.  He told me he couldn't finish his son's prayers last week.  What does he have to say to God?  How can he reconcile the anger with the simple good night prayers of his toddler?

I delivered Mannie after she had been gone for almost a day.  The doctors were deliberate to occupy my full attention before I met her.  I needed to be prepared, they told me.  Her head shape was unique.  Her skin was delicate.  Her coloring was different.  This was going to be difficult and I needed to stop and prepare.

She looked beautiful to me.  She had a full, wide mouth which I am certain is a distinct sign of beauty.  We spent our time with her.  My story, still sitting in my heart.

Time passed and I lost a lot of blood.  Perception is everything, but it sure seemed like I was going to die.  Doctors were running in the hallway.  My mother came back into the room when she saw our doctor and others charging into my delivery suite.

The head of maternal fetal medicine was brought in.  Again, taking my full attention.  Look at me.  I need you to listen to me.  We need to operate.  I need your permission.  The placenta has not passed and you have lost a lot of blood.  You are still losing blood.  We need to do this now.  There is no alternative.

I told him I knew what this was about.  This is the surgery that can damage your uterus and prevent you from having children in the future.  Go ahead, doctor.  The future belongs to someone else.  I have nothing to lose.

This is when my fight broke out.

Really, God.  This is it?

You are going to kill me now?  That is your plan?

I dare you.  I fucking dare you.

I lived.  Anger faded and quietly turned to distance.  I didn't have time for God in my life, but frankly never noticed.  I was too busy trying to survive all on my own.

I asked the support group leader why she managed such a grim group.  How could she bear the weight of all these destroyed lives.  She said she did it because people get better.

I told my co-worker this, that somehow, some way, it manages to get better.  I don't know how or when, but it does get better.  One day, I stopped wishing for death.  Some time later, I was feeling the edge of happiness.  And so it went.

He tells me he understands this.  It makes me sad to see him waste his time with the anger and separation from God.  I am only learning how to tinker with rebuilding it myself, but it has pulled me through a lot this last cycle.  It doesn't feel like riding a bike, but it is getting better.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

8w down, 5w to go

Milestones.  What would I do without you?  How else could I parse out my pregnancy into little mountains of achievement.  Our appointment with the RE went well today, but I am already setting my eyes on the next milestone of Getting The Hell Out of the First Trimester.

The subchorionic hematoma is still there, but it sounds like this is to be expected.  I have not had any bleeding worth mentioning since the original event.  The hematoma is larger than it was last week, but does not appear to be collecting new blood.  It has clotted itself off and this makes my RE happy.

She said one thing that really stuck with me.  I had prepared my Hematoma WTF questionnaire from Dr. Google.  I was running through my checklist of questions when she clarified anything I find online just doesn't apply to my case.  You can find SCH information online, but this is an IVF SCH.  Different ballgame with much, much gentler rules.

She got me good.  I dropped my interrogation (I wasn't sure I understood the answers anyhow) and realized I was there to talk about the baby.

The baby, right?  See how I am way into this post and I forget to mention the fact we have a heartbeat and firmly anchored baby?  Exactly how my visit went today.

I don't want to live like this, in this baby-as-an-afterthought world.  I am going to reinvent myself.  

I am eager to get out of the first trimester to see the miscarriage rate drop, but I am going to try to frame it differently in my mind.  I can finally tell my nieces.  I will have a steadier stomach.  I can get people to bring me milkshakes without having to say a word.

The 2nd trimester will be a mighty time.

Please go and welcome baby Lola to our beautiful planet and her beautiful family.  Momma Rosie can you even believe it?  She is here and she is healthy and she is yours and you are hers.  So much joy!

Friday, April 15, 2011

My subchorionic hematoma

The baby is fine today.  S/he has a heart rate of 151 and is measuring 7w4d, a little ahead of where we actually are by a few days.

What can I say?  I am overcome with relief and gratitude.  It is difficult for me to put into words just yet, so I need to let it brew.  See what comes out of it all.  Brutally heavy experience.  I was curled up on the couch 2 days ago, certain it was the end, and now it appears to be on the path to all okay?  I don't even understand my own thoughts yet.

In the mean time, I am your new resident expert-in-training on subchorionic hematomas.  I don't want to be one, but at least I have a name for this bleeding now.  It is smaller than when it started on Wednesday by 25%, down to 3cm today.  I am told it is average in size and appears to be resolving itself.  More bed rest this weekend.

What is next.  Funny thing is that I made myself a promise before this all started.  Once we cleared the heartbeat, I wasn't going to allow myself to worryworryworry about what could go wrong.  I went through Toddlerina's pregnancy in constant fear.  Now that I had this fine young egg, I was going to celebrate the benefits of DE by releasing worry.

Hm.  Maybe I will start next week.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Bleeding and cramping

Where do I start?  It hurt a lot.  I thought the pain was in my head and that I made everything about the pregnancy.  I ended up in an office with the door shut, laying on the floor while I waited for it to pass.

The blood started brown, then was bright red, then was coming on its own, even when I was not going to the bathroom.  It looked like a lot of blood.  So much blood, you couldn't believe it.

I have not miscarried as of this morning.  I went in for an ultrasound around 11.  The heartbeat is still at 134.  There is no sign of the source of bleeding.

My RE called in the afternoon.  She said bleeding was more common in FET cycles and with DE.  Something about the ovaries not being stimulated, tipping the whole system slightly out of touch.  Something about the endometrium.

I still feel cramps.  I thought cramps were supposed to be a horrible sign, maybe even worse than the bleeding.  She tells me they go hand in hand.  It is difficult to have bleeding without cramping.  

Bed rest until I am back for an ultrasound Friday.

Anyone have experience with this?  I hope no one can reply, but I thought I would ask.

I will take your prayers if you can spare them.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


We have a heartbeat, 134 bpm.

We have a due date, December 1.

I will graduate from my RE after 2 more visits.

I am *not* considered high risk this time. What.

Notes for folks in the trenches:

- I never felt implantation.
- My boobs never hurt.
- I never felt sick, but my appetite is smaller.
- I had a couple wipes where I saw something, brown. It lasted 2 days.
- I don't feel crazy tired.
- I do get up to pee in the night.
- My boobs are bigger, but not that impressive.

Hold tight to your faith and hope. You cannot call your own pregnancy from the sidelines. I thought it had failed. Sure seems absurd to have wasted all that time and energy worrying.

I feel a little in shock. My RE was giddy. I cannot wait to hit giddy!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Night swimming

Remember that old song by REM?  Back when they still had It Going For Them, before Monster?  I have been singing it all day.  I have night sweats something fierce.  I know it is all the progesterone injections, especially since we have increased the dosage by 50%.

Rocco is getting a little under my skin, he is so innocent and sweet.  He thinks all these complaints are sure fire signs that we are pregnant.  I start to explain to him that all it means is that we are injecting tons of progesterone, but I cut it short.  No reason to rain on his parade.  He blissfully moves forward, sure we are pregnant.

It isn't like he wasn't there for the last time we were pregnant.  He saw the betas that were slammed into obscurity by a failure to get a heartbeat.  I don't think he is hanging his hat on the donor element either.  I think he just lives a simple life, a little like a fertile.  So I leave him there.

Please don't worry about posting comments to assure me.  Not at all what I am asking to get.  I just feel detached from all this and feel like Tuesday's ultrasound will be like the first time I hear we are pregnant.

I am hopeful, but I pull more baggage than I thought.

I am off the crazy meds now.  Good thing I have massive amounts of p4 injected into me each night.  It has really made the transition relatively easy.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Beta 4-but-I-only-wanted-3 freak out

It could be the way Rocco was administering the PIO shots.  

I had a couple very painful shots and I whined about it.  Probably scared the hell out of him, he is sensitive that way.  I think when they hurt, he rushed them along for a few days.  I had big knots in my butt.  Didn't think much of it.

The last two days we have slowed down the injection times, almost up to a minute to allow for the 1.5 units of PIO.  No lumps.  Good news, but not the big news I am waiting to hear.


Come on phone, ring.

I would normally eat, as I am a stress eater.  I am feeling a little ratty about food right now though.  I would like to pretend it is morning sickness, right?  I think I am all nerves.

Save to draft and wait for the mofo call.

Call comes.  Call Rocco, call family.

Post to FB.  Post code to FB referencing Sesame Street and "getting stronger".  Consider code was perhaps too deep and no one will get it.

Return from draft.

p4 = 31.6

I sure wish my RE would have checked my hsg as well, but she did not.  I tried to talk the nurse into changing the order, but no go.  Sounds like the good Doctor fortified my nurse with the reasons why no hcg: it was not an issue.  Guess they anticipated my resistance.

The nurses seemed to buy my theory on the injection site lumps.  Slow it down partners, slow it down. 

For the record, if p4 dropped below 15, the PIO injections would be upped to 2 units (originally 1, increased to 1.5 - increase remains in effect).  Doctor would have ordered beta 5.

Thanks for keeping me company during my self-induced panic.  Lot of issues to tend to everywhere, so thanks for helping with mine. 

What in law's name am I going to do with myself until April 12 ultra-sound day?