We have a winner

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

I just love this family.

They have a four year old daughter.  I watched her climb all over her parents, dance, ask questions and generally be a sweetly disruptive four as we parents were all having a heart attack Skype session.

It was the most telling thing, over any email or phone conversation we could ever have.  I watched this momma laugh it off and handle it with ease.  I even got the camera turned around so we could see the full dance performance.

You know that saying, "I don't care who you are, when a 2 year old hands you a banana, you answer it"?  It was the mothers' rule that All Shall Celebrate When A Child Dances.  I loved her for it.  "Her" could be the momma or the dancing daughter.  Take your pick.

Virtual meeting

Any assvice for a fool like me?

We are planning our Skype session this week with our prospective family.

Dos?  Donts?

How do I keep my focus on what is important.  How do I process anything that is very likely irrelevant but gets my wheels turning in a negative direction.  

I am so fucking critical.  How can I protect this family from my own personal character flaw?

I am so scared.  

If you ever take the time to comment, I could really use it now.  Please.

High chair pain

Since when are my dogs too good to eat vegetables off the floor?

On line dating your recipient family

You know when it is right.  You know when someone takes words out of your head that you didn't know were there.  The exact words you want to hear but you don't know until you let them wash over you.

Even if I had a million requests for our embryos (we didn't), this family would be the right one for us.  I feel like I have found a friend I would have missed otherwise.

How does all this stuff fall together?  How is it that life can rip out your lungs and then make the sun shine on you from the inside?  Heavy shit and I wish I knew how to explain it.

I thought I wanted a more hands off relationship with my "recipient family".  But now, as they grow to become an extension of my own family, I cannot picture it any other way.

We will have an open relationship, but I will be able to manage the faucet that feeds me what I will always consider My Children.  I can soak in it or I can sip from it.  Some days will call for different actions, I can tell already.

How can I not look at them as My Children.  They are not mine by fate, by God's will, whatever.  I don't really get either one of those things.  But it could be that little face sitting at my table making the sign for more more more peaches.

Skype date next wk.  Shame I won't have my roots done, but I think they'll be fine with it.

Latest theme track to my life

I know Ben Howard is old news, but new to me.

I love this tune.  The female bassist is just icing.

Happy to have you home.

I know a certain runner that needs to put this on her ipod to keep her company in the upcoming weeks.  I get goose bumps just thinking about it.  This is for you K.

Another reason I hate my OB

New girl at the desk wants me to sign some updated forms for insurance.

She says, "Wow!  You sure have a big file!"  She was astounded, but stupid.

"You know, a large file isn't something I am happy to have for the record."

Pack of idiots.

My biggest fears are now my strengths

I was so terrified to write my profile.  I was expected to explain what I was looking for in the relationship with the recipient family.

What.

I get sick to my stomach trying to even get my head around that one.  Or I used to anyhow.

You know what?  I dont even like the phrase "recipient family" anymore.  It is so formal. And distant.  I now think of them as my extended family.

This life is too short to draw boundaries.  

It's just more people who love what you love, and how could you not want to be a part of it all?

Babies have the infinite ability to generate unlimited amounts of love.  Family has the power to create love.

Behind the scenes when seeking donor embryos

I don't think I am manic, but I am a little giddy.  Yesterday I was frozen in fear, but today I am buzzing with excitement.

I want to encourage any family who is out there hoping to be a recipient of donor embryos.

As the donor family, you can't create a list of pros/cons or criteria you are looking for with a weighted value.  Much to my dismay, I cannot run this through Excel to get the recipient family.

A match is made on a gut response. 

I expected my inbox to be flooded with emails.  It wasn't.

I tried talking with my sister about it, but she didn't want to.  I think I was a little shocked that she didn't want to be a part of this Massive Decision.  How on earth can I do this alone?  But I have to.  

My sister was fearful her comments would cloud my judgement or shine on something that may or may not be relevant.  If I just feed her facts here and there, she doesn't get the big picture and cannot participate in the process.  It almost trivializes it.

Wise sister, eh?  (She is a reader, so you know she is beaming as she rubs this post all over herself.)

I had several families approach us with long emails, custom written for our ad.  I had several families link to their ad without anything extra.  I had several families basically just ask for the embryos.  Crazy spectrum of participation.

I feel really good.

And then she freaked

I am in the process of posting my ads up to find a home for our embryos.

I feel sick to my stomach.

I cannot even find the words to explain the terror, excitement and deep sorrow it brings me.

How can I possibly make it through this.